Reporting From Glendale, California.
How can a critic call me "fucking gross" and "absolutely disgusting" when I am the man responsible for such light-hearted and family-friendly fare such as The Fabulous Adventures of Captain Queer, featuring such comical villains as Dr. Octopussy? The evil doctor siphons a potion through his tentacles that can instantaneously turn a gay person straight. Wacky, huh?
When our spectacular costume designer, Jeffrey LaLonde, asked me what the Dr. Octopussy costume was supposed to look like, I declared, "Well, he has eight tentacles of course, and the ends of them should look like, um, well, you know...vaginal mittens!"
Jeffrey looked at me perplexed, mouthing the words "vaginal mittens," as if saying them out loud would cause the apocalypse to begin. However, although he was struck with a sinking feeling, he eventually managed to design the perfect outfit. In its early stages, I tried the costume on:
Ask and you shall receive.