Why are you the most boring movie I have seen all year? Why did you make me fall asleep over and over during your nearly three-hour running time? Why did you make me want to pull my car keys out of my pocket and start cutting my wrists in a mock attempt at Christ-like suffering? Why, oh why, oh why?
And on top of that, Matt Damon (who I usually want to father my children) gives the most boring performance EVER. Doesn't anyone understand that playing a character as a complete emotional void and as a person who is utterly lifeless is NOT interesting? Simply put, three hours of lifelessness is BORING. Hey, I can stare at my toenails all day, but that doesn't make it a performance.
I don't think I can properly convey to you the depth of my despair over you, The Good Shepherd. So I leave it to some anonymous kid on Yahoo! Movies, who declares in his user review: "I can't imagine someone under 25 ever finishing the film, but I know my father would love it as he too is free from emotion and interest in life as this film is from start to finish." I got your back, brutha.
With Sincere Disgust,
—Reporting From Glendale, California