Boys With Toys

Many people find it ironic that Fox's real-time thriller, 24, is my favorite television show of all time. After all, I'm as liberal as they come, and I think pacifism is still in fashion—so how can I admire a program in which the heroes tote guns and kill terrorists with wild abandon?

Well, I'm not going to use this forum to defend 24 on any level whatsoever because the negative-stereotypes discussion (as well as the there-are-too-many-moles, why-don't-they-ever-go-to-the-bathroom-or-eat, the-characters-get-through-L.A.-traffic-way-too-easily, and the-plots-are-unrealistic discussions) is so five years ago. Folks, it's fiction. And I would shoot the writers if they made me sit though an hour of Kiefer Sutherland taking a crap, scarfing down a ham sandwich, and driving during rush hour. I mean, c'mon, everybody—and I mean freakin' everybody—who Netflixed The Brown Bunny fast forwarded through the highway sequences and went straight to the graphic Vincent Gallo/ChloĆ« Sevigny blow job scene at the end. (And played it over and over again. In slow motion. Then frame by frame. Then studied it with detached curiosity.)

And I've always found those naysayers—who worry that people can't separate fantasy from reality when it comes to terrorism, violence, fill-in-the-blank— condescending. After all, if they can separate fantasy from reality why can't the rest of the world?

But that's not what I really want to talk about.

What I really want to talk about is: McFarlane Toys just announced that they are set to release 24 action figures starting in mid-2007. Two Jack Bauers will be available for me to buy and put on display right next to my Ralph Wiggum. In my free time, Jack and Ralph will go on adventures together and save the world from Vincent Gallo's cock.

"Gallo! Holster your weapon!"

—Reporting From Glendale, California

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