Backstreet Boy Humps Dolphins (Metaphorically)

Thank you, blogger Jesse Spero, for calling my attention to perhaps the greatest news story so far this year. The United Nations, that bastion of goodwill and good taste, has appointed Backstreet Boy Nick Carter as a special ambassador to the dolphins. Yes, you read that last sentence correctly, and, no, I am not making that up. Indeed, folks, those super smart sea creatures now have a voice. And that voice says things like, "You are my fire/My one desire/Believe when I say/I want it that way" (a song, incidentally, that makes no sense).

My favorite part of this story, of course, is when Nick reveals one of his brilliant plans as ambassador:
Carter said he'll expand on the same feelings he expressed in a song he wrote called "Believe" in order to write a new anthem about the plight of dolphins.

Remember when Carter released a pop-rock album a few years ago, and the lead single was called "Help Me"? Well, Carter is now returning the favor to all those dolphins who answered his plea by now helping them. Carter has not announced, however, how he will help all those people whose ears will bleed when they hear his "new anthem about the plight of dolphins."

By the way, the only reason you sometimes see me wearing a wristband is because I'm trying to emulate Nick in his "Help Me" music video:

And the only reason I am allowed to be somewhat sardonic about this is because I own that Nick Carter solo album. Go to hell.

—Reporting From Glendale, California

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