My birthday is not for a while, but Gabriel keeps telling me that he wants to buy me time at a shooting range. Whenever I hear this, I ask him if I can hold my gun sideways (like they do in the 'hood) and if I can scream things like "Holster your weapon!" before I shoot (like they do on 24). This is the point in the conversation in which Gabriel loses all color from his face and he is filled with anxiety because the thought of me joking around at a shooting range frightens him so. He is perturbed for a couple reasons: 1.) guns are scary, and 2.) people at shooting ranges take their weapons very seriously, and are liable to bust a cap in my ass. Asians and guns don't mix these days. But that's okay. Ninja stars are so much cooler anyway.
—Reporting From Glendale, California