Should I Be Proud or Mortified? You Decide.

The latest issue of D Sport Magazine, the drag racing and slutty Asian girls publication I've been blogging about, is now on newsstands. My younger sister, who has earned a notorious reputation because of the titillating yet hilarious revelations I make in my Jukebox Stories show, is the Model of the Month, which means she graces the cover, gets interviewed, and has a photo spread in which she provocatively poses in front of a race car. After taking it all in, I'm not sure if I should be proud or mortified.

In order to avoid having disgusting people like you stalk her, she uses a fake last name, "Steel," and I presume she has no sense of irony about it. I can assume this because the interview is fun, sure, but is devoid of any and all traces of irony—something desperately needed if you are going to be my sibling.

Highlights from the interview include this direct quote:

"As far as other hobbies, I like to go to the gym, mountain bike (I have a pink one), shooting guns, and tanning."

...Because, you know, even I love to fire off a few rounds after leaving the tanning salon.

Or how about this quote:

"I like a guy who can make me laugh and that I can be myself around. I really like dark hair, green eyes, and he has to be in shape and over six feet tall. I want someone social like me and someone who is loyal and trustworthy. I want to feel like a princess when I am with him."

...Over six feet tall? Well, that pretty much excludes my entire circle of friends. And she wants to feel like "a princess." There's only room for one member of royalty in this family, sister, and it ain't you! Um, hello, look at my name!

Or how about this quote:

"I would just like to thank DSport for this opportunity and I really hope this is the beginning of something new for me. Thank you Brandon for lurking my MySpace and making this happen!"

...Is it this Brandon guy's job to hang out on MySpace and browse through photos of Asian girls in bikini tops? Should he be promoted or arrested?

All right, Los Angeles, come to Jukebox Stories when we're at the Ford Amphitheatre because guess what the bingo prizes are going to be? Magazines, magazines, and more magazines!

(Sister, if you're reading this, you know I love you dearly. But why would you be reading this? You're too busy driving your BMW to the shooting range.)


  1. THIS IS PRICELESS!!! I want to see YOU on this cover.

  2. She has brought disgrace to this family! I hide my face in public!

  3. Prince - I think we've only met briefly, once or twice; but here I am commenting on your commentary on your sister's pinup debut (I assume it's her debut).

    Dude: your post is hilarious.

  4. So so familiar, you look, so so familiar. Where, oh, where did we meet?

  5. I think in SF, perhaps at the BAPF last year? I am a good friend of Enrique Urueta and have worked with him extensively on THE DANGER OF BLEEDING BROWN and the early stages of LEARN TO BE LATINA (I've done readings of both at BAPF, along with one of Tim Bauer's plays and Sheila Callaghan's, more recently, for the PF). And I know you two know each other.

    I lived in SF from 2002-2006, but now I live in NY. Plus, unrelatedly, I think I auditioned once upon a time for the NCTC YouthAware play you wrote. I also spent a fair bit of time in LA at the end of last year, but I'm pretty sure we didn't meet there.