We Make You Horny

There's a scene in European Vacation, in which Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) and his family are in a restaurant and they notice a couple at another table making out passionately—PDA going seriously overboard. Clark and his wife Ellen have this memorable exchange with their son Rusty:
RUSTY: Hey, Dad, he's got his hands on her tits right there at the table!

ELLEN: Stop staring, Rusty.

CLARK: Uh, Rusty, European standards of public behavior are very different than in America.

[...]

RUSTY: Dad, I think he's gonna pork her.

CLARK: He's not gonna pork her, Rusty. Just eat, okay?

RUSTY: I think he is, Dad.

CLARK [LOOKING AGAIN]: ...He may pork her, Russ. Just eat, okay?

Since Friday night's JUKEBOX STORIES audience at The Clubhouse in San Francisco was the drunkest, horniest crowd that Brandon and I have ever had the pleasure of performing for, it was inevitable that there would be a couple tucked away in the back that caused me to glance over at them throughout the evening and think, "Dad, I think he's gonna pork her."

You see, The Clubhouse is a comedy club that has a BYOB policy for those 21 and up, and I didn't take it too seriously. I thought that maybe a few people would bring some alcohol, but, boy, when people know that they themselves are entirely responsible for their own drunkenness and horniness, they take charge. Folks were bringing in bottles of wine and sharing them with strangers, and, after the show, we found a big empty bottle of Jack Daniels lying sadly on its side underneath a chair. And this drunk, horny energy permeated throughout the audience whether the others BYOB or not.

At intermission, my friends Tod and Rose mentioned the aforementioned Drunk Horny Couple, and they thought that I should heckle them throughout the rest of the show. But I'm a pretty non-confrontational guy, and I was content just to keep thinking, "Dad, I think he's gonna pork her," and try to ignore them as much as possible because I don't really like dealing with drunk, horny people (unless it's me who's going to have drunk, horny sex with them). Well, it turns out that Drunk Horny Girl was the first to win that night's bingo game. She actually tied for the night's top bingo prize along with a woman who was part of the European Front Row.

(By the way, a few blog entries ago I wrote: "The remaining tickets are likely to fall into the hands of German tourists if you don't buy them first." Guess who was sitting in the front row? Germans!!!!! Weird-ass shit. I should've written, "The remaining tickets are likely to fall into the hands of the guy who plays The Human Torch and takes off his shirt in all his movies." Do you think Chris Evans would've shown up and tried to seduce me? "Dad, I think he's gonna pork him.")

(By the way, this cell phone photo is courtesy of Tod. If anyone has any more photos, give them to us so we can post them.)

For the tiebreaker, we had Drunk Horny Girl and European Front Row Lady play trivia with questions based on the stories and songs that we performed that evening. Brandon and I had both women whisper answers in our ears so that the other couldn't hear, and both women answered something like five questions wrong in a row, and I know why. Drunk Horny Girl slurred each of her alcohol-scented answers to me, most of which made no sense. I think she was just giving me random answers from a random episode of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. We finally had to flip a coin, and Drunk Horny Girl won.

I believe that Drunk Horny Couple is on the JUKEBOX STORIES mailing list, so they will probably end up reading this at some point. Drunk Horny Couple, I hope I have accurately and respectfully described you, and I hope you will leave me a message to let me know if you did indeed end up having drunk, horny sex or if you passed out when you got home. I want to know this more than I want to know who killed Kennedy.

Lest I unfairly shine a drunk, horny light upon Drunk Horny Couple, I want to reemphasize that they weren't the only ones sloshed and hump-ready. One of the Germans declared that Brandon giving her a lap dance was worth the price of admission; someone informed me rather forcefully that "you two are easy on the eyes"; and the guy whose chair we found the empty bottle of Jack under came up on stage to help us reenact scenes from The Goonies and he wouldn't leave. I must thank playwright Marisela Orta for encouraging me to do those Goonies reenactments because she made me realize how that film is truly a widespread shared cultural phenomenon, which is why that piece was a big hit that evening. (Me playing the Corey Feldman role was a major factor as well, if I must say so myself: "Yeah. But you know what? This one, this one right here, this was my dream, my wish, and it didn't come true. So I'm takin' it back. I'm takin' 'em all back.")

Helping to push the show to sell-out status were a group of people from Bay Area Linkup, a social networking group that brings strangers together and helps them score; an Asian Sistah who bought a block of tickets for her and her coworkers (I never asked them where they worked, but I'm guessing it's some Asian Thing); and, of course, nearly 20 teenagers from Maybeck High School, a Berkeley private school so progressive that their drama teacher brings them to something like JUKEBOX STORIES. The Maybeck kids are some of our staunchest allies, and we recognized a lot of them who've shown up before.

I was given a previously worn black rubber Maybeck wristband, and I wore it all weekend because the thought of having hot teen sweat on me wherever I went warmed by heart. Alas, after an insane all-night drive from San Francisco to Los Angeles and an exhausting and sleepless few days, the wristband has disappeared and my is heart broken. If some Follow Spot Operator out there cares enough to rectify this situation, I will be forever grateful.

Brandon is sitting here in my living room, and we just had the following exchange:
PRINCE: Do you have anything to report on about Friday night?

BRANDON: The woman in the front row who I gave a lap dance to tapped me on the butt when I got up and I think she hit my testicles.

PRINCE: Can I write that?

BRANDON: Sure. She's not the kind person to be checking blogs.

Prove him wrong, German woman!

Big thanks to everybody who was there Friday, to Melissa Gans and Rich Stimbra who run that crazy place, and to Diana Strachan who, because she ran the tech booth during our run last year at Impact Theatre, has now seen the show 18 times. (And we made her pay that 18th time! I love how we are evil bastards!) It was one of the best shows we've ever done, and we sincerely hope that you all got some that night. In exchange for the fact that we helped you get laid, will you please write something in our JUKEBOX STORIES guestbook or comment on our JUKEBOX STORIES MySpace page? We want to archive your thoughts the way we have attempted to archive our endless number of conquests. (But since there have been so so so so many, this is a simple impossibility.) And if there are any other significant details from that evening that I am forgetting, post them here and we will discuss them in-depth like they do on The View.

—Reporting Glendale, California

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