And You Get Nothing in Return

Just because I once handed a friend of mine five bucks because he was begging for pledges for his cousin's Special Olympics participation, the nonprofit charities of the world think I'm some sort of philanthropist and keep sending me donation pleas in the mail.

I am not a philanthropist. In fact, I am an evil bastard. For example, groups such as the American Diabetes Association and Project Angel Food send me those free return address labels as a bribe to guilt me into giving them money. Not only do I not give them anything, I keep those return address labels and use them! Ha ha ha ha ha!

There's this one charity (I forget which one) that sends me nickels for some reason. I guess I'm supposed to send the nickel back, along with a donation, but I keep the nickel and collect them until I have enough money to buy Baked Cheetos.

Those organizations are charitable! They provide me with delicious snacks from my corner store.

—Reporting From Glendale, California


  1. i don't have one of the cool cancers, with a pink ribbon on anything. my cancer was on an ugly gland, and no one has fund raising for it.

    it's not like, 'get testicular cancer and win the tour de france' or 'prevent breast cancer and keep hollywood pretty'

    send me money.


    i really am going to hell, aren't i?

  2. That's what you get for getting an out-of-fashion cancer.

  3. fmd

    i told you, i never was one of the in crowd.

    they have pretty pink ribbons on milk and cheese and things.

    we have things like sauerkraut and bratwurst or ritzcrackers or viennasausages to sponsor us.