My first job ever was working in the men's underwear department at J.C. Penney. At a mere 16-years-old, the job did perhaps hold some kind cosmic significance that I was not aware of at the time. Looking back now, of course, I can say, "Oh, that's why I love stroking briefs!"
My coworker David used to always make fun of me, but for different reasons. "You remind me of Marvin the Martian!" he would taunt over and over again. I failed to see the connection between me and that weird-ass Looney Tunes cartoon character, but David insisted that Marvin's personality, especially his desire to destroy Earth, was similar to mine.
Over the years, the fact that some guy kept calling me Marvin the Martian got morphed and reinterpreted, and, through a series of circumstances that I don't quite understand today, people got to thinking that I loved Marvin the Martian and that he was my favorite cartoon character of all time.
Now, I don't have anything against Marvin the Martian, but he was in actuality one of my least favorite Looney Tunes characters. In fact, I would always shut the TV off when he came on.
Anyway, unaware of my general dislike of Marvin, my friends started giving me Marvin the Martian merchandise as gifts. For birthdays and Christmases, I have received Marvin the Martian T-shirts, mugs, dolls, action figures, etc. My stomach would sink any time I saw one of those things, but, never one to deny somebody the rush of giving a gift, I would always act happy and grateful.
But now, publicly for the first time, I am telling you the truth, and I am telling you that it has to stop. (This may, I realize, open the floodgates to an array of joke gifts to me in the future.) Some of you reading this blog have given me Marvin the Martian gifts, and I must say that I am truly thankful for your thoughtfulness (you really did think that I loved Marvin) but, if receive another Marvin the Martian anything, I will burn it, along with the gift-giver.
Lastly, David, I have never been anything like Marvin the Martian. Have I? HAVE I?!