Remember The Lost Boys, that seminal 80s teen vampire flick that holds the proud distinction of being the first ever cinematic collaboration between Corey Feldman and Corey Haim? At the end of the movie, the leader of the vampires (played by Edward Hermann) warns Haim, "Don't ever invite a vampire into your house, you silly boy. It renders you powerless."
Apparently, the same warning is true when it comes to Mormon missionaries.
Let me explain. A while back, two missionaries knocked on my door and wanted to tell me about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I shook my head like a non-English speaking immigrant and shooed them away. Then I thought how cool it would be to interview Mormons for an episode of my podcast. I mean, that would be an act of journalistic brilliance! I could win a Peabody!
I ran downstairs, invited them back up, and decided to feel them out by asking a bunch of questions to see if they were actually interesting enough to podcast in the first place. After talking to them for a few minutes and having them explain their lives as missionaries and having them dance around questions such as "Could you tell me about some of the crazy things Mormons do?" I started to feel a little sorry for them. They were completely under the thumb and watchful eye of the church with their highly regimented daily schedule, and their only free time seemed to be when they all would take a field trip to Costco every week. The amount of time, concentration, dedication, and, frankly, obsession that they devoted to their mission was overwhelming.
Could any of us "common people" even exert half the effort on pursuing our goals that these Mormons do on their missions? If we did, where would we be? I would be ruling Hollywood with an iron lung, er, iron fist! But I just don't have that much mojo.
Deciding that they weren't compelling enough to be podcasted and figuring that I wasn't cruel enough to play podcasting pranks on them (have I lost my edge?), I sent them on their merry way after giving them both a little slap on their asses. (Okay, that ass part was just in my head, but sometimes I have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality.)
When I told Loren about this, he started freaking out: "No! Our apartment is now on the list!"
"They have a list! They're gonna come back! We've been marked!"
And that's when I thought about The Lost Boys. I had invited the Mormons into my house, which means that, if some dark and stormy night I wake up and a missionary is standing over me with a Book of Mormon ready to bludgeon me to death with it, then it is indeed my own damn fault.
My only hope would be to lunge for the computer in time and pull up this classic, horrifying, tone-deaf clip of Corey Feldman, which would surely make the intruding Mormons melt into a pile of Latter-Day goo: