Who Would You Rather Pork?

Today I am launching a new occasional feature called "Who Would You Rather Pork?" It doesn't matter what gender or sexual orientation you are—I need everyone to play this game and answer each question carefully and honestly, so that the results are scientifically accurate. You must answer every question, or this game will not work and I will punish you by never presenting you with this feature ever again. Are you ready? Let's put on our porking evaluation hats....

My own personal answers and accompanying explanations can be found in the comments section.


  1. 1. ANDY SAMBERG--I already told you. Look at his mouth! I could climb inside there and take a nap. Besides, Andy Garcia mumbles so much that I just want to scream, "Annunciate, bitch!"

    2. ANDY SERKIS--He can pretend to be King Kong and beat the crap out of me. Nothing like a good pummeling in bed!

    3. RAGGEDY ANDY--Plushies get a bad rap.

  2. You said "pork." I didn't realize I had to listen when they talk. I want to recall my Andy Garcia vote, which was based on his eyebrows, not his enunciation.

  3. Peter Varvel8/10/2007

    No, yes, and no, Prince!
    Gimme Garcia, Serkis, and Griffith.
    I like 'em dark and ethnic, like you, and I even like 'em older and well-seasoned, not like you.
    I guess that means you're more like Raggedy Andy.

  4. Holy shit, someone just emailed me to correct my typo. ENUNCIATE! ENUNCIATE! ENUNCIATE! What the fuck do you expect at 2:14 in the motherfucking morning?! (The lady doth protest too much, doth she?)

  5. I just checked my site stats and, as of 11:07AM, I discovered that less than one-third (1/3!) of everyone who's visited my blog today is participating in the "Who Would You Rather Pork?" game, which can only mean that straight guys are afraid to play. For the last freaking time, just because you anonymously play an online game where you have to choose one dude over another DOES NOT MAKE YOU GAY. A cock in your mouth does. Play this game, goddammit!

  6. It's about 3:00PM, and Garcia and Samberg are in a deadlocked tie! I never thought it would be so so close! I thought Andy Garcia was SO 1990s, but I guess I'm wrong. Ay papi!

  7. 1. Andy Samberg - Andy Garcia scares me, and I don't trust him not to be drunk.
    2. Andy Richtor - Andy Serkis is probably way better in bed, but I don't find him the least bit attractive. Although being called anyone's "precious" does have an appeal.
    3. Raggedy Andy - Who says I haven't porked him already?

  8. Hhhhmmmmm apprently I'm the only female with a straight orientation (most of the time) who played this game.

    Here goes, gotta be Garcia coz he was the Godfather and he was in close contact with Pacino, so when I'm porking him I could imagine its Pacino instead. Yes, I'm sick in the head.

    Serkis coz well he can do that Gollum voice while we're at it and there you go, a piece of LOTR in me. Heh.

    And Raggedy Andy coz he's a redhead. Just like Ron Weasley.

  9. Is there a NAMBLA for chix?

  10. Oh, man, all you all is fucked up!

  11. I chose Andy Griffith over Raggedy Andy. That damn doll and his sister scare the livin' crap out of me.