It's 90 minutes before I perform in front of an audience at the Closing Night Gala of the APAture arts festival, so I slipped into Muddy Waters on Valencia to eat a garlic bagel with egg and cheese. After I ordered, I sat down to blog on my laptop, and the guy behind the counter screamed to me, "Hey, I'm not gonna be able to get you that bagel! The eggs that I have are all fucked!"

I don't know what that means exactly, so I said, "Cream cheese is fine," and that is my dinner.

While I was combing the Internet to find a photo of a garlic bagel with egg and cheese (unsuccessfully), my craving for a garlic bagel with egg and cheese just quadrupled.

Just how fucked are the eggs?


  1. Better to go with the cream cheese, cuz you just can't trust that condoms were used when the eggs were fucked.

  2. I just woke up from a dream in which someone was going to the coffee shop for the office and I wrote down "plain bagel w/crm chs" on the order paper because I was too embarrassed to admit that I really wanted an "everything bagel with sausage, egg, and cheese (and toast the bagel and please make sure the egg is cooked all the way through)" when everyone else was being much less high maintenance.

    Now I'm going to have to go out, because I have eggs in the house, but no cheese, no sausage, and only raisin bagels, which are wrong.

  3. You see Prince, when a man and an egg love each other...

  4. I'm gonna used "fucked" nonsensically from now on. "Look at the sun--it's fucked!"; or "This dangling participle is fucked!"; etc.