[Prince's Note: My 75-year-old neighbor, Larry H. Faragamo, wrote a series of movie reviews for my website, and he became an instant hit. People absolutely adored his writing and loved when he wrote about the importance of boobs in the oeuvre of David Lynch, when he called Curious George "perhaps the most passionate gay love story I have ever seen," when he dared to talk about Al Gore's weight, and when he had the world's most unique take of Brokeback Mountain. Well, I'm happy to announce that Larry (who perpetually seems to be 75) is back in action and is the author of today's guest blog. Show him some love, folks—he's old!]
I am pissed. This weekend I went to go see Baio-wolf and walked out of the theater horribly disappointed because that title is very misleading. I thought it was supposed to be the third in a trilogy of movies, following Teen Wolf (starring Michael J. Fox) and Teen Wolf Too (starring Jason Bateman). Those films, featuring TV superstars, were good clean fun—not like the violent, family-unfriendly movies that get released nowadays. I remember a time when you could go see a movie about the Russian mafia and not have Viggo Mortensen's sausage waving around like a flag on flag day. If I wanted to see that, I would look underneath my son's mattress.
When my wife said we were going to see Baio-wolf, I was expecting a light comedy about a teenager, Scott Baio, who gets into all kinds of shenanigans when he turns into a werewolf (just like the first two movies). What a great metaphor for the awkwardness of teen life, which reminds me of my own high school years when I was so desperate to lose my virginity that I was even befriending chunky girls. (I, however, did not end up having relations until college, when I was old enough to buy wine and get the cafeteria checkout girl drunk).
The other reason I was excited about seeing Baio-wolf was because I am a big fan of Scott Baio. Any man who got that close to Joanie and her chachis is a hero of mine.
Anyway, Baio-wolf is about some guy who fights monsters (what am I—12?!). And although Angelia Jolie is in the nude, I didn't really see any of her good parts, no matter how much I adjusted my 3-D glasses. (Family-unfriendly nudity is okay if it involves Angelina Jolie.) Hollywood, deliver me a good, old-fashioned Teen Wolf sequel before I die. Please.