After I revealed my semi-obsession (and semi) for Hayden Christensen, a commenter suggested I rent Life as a House to "watch Hayden suck old guys off" and someone e-mailed me to tell me about "the part where Hayden takes a shower with his lady friend." (Said shower scene linked here.) I am completely amazed, however, that both of them failed to mention my favorite part. You know—the part in which Hayden masturbates while simultaneously inhaling paint fumes from a plastic bag and hanging himself from a noose. (No, I'm not kidding.) Unfortunately, the rest of the movie is dripping in so much schmaltzy, terminal-illness movie excess (Kevin Kline plays the dying dad) that it's almost unbearable.