[Believe it or not, one of the greatest and funniest articles about High School Musical ever was not written by me. Blogger Aaron Sankin of Scenes From the Scene recently penned an entry about the stage touring production of HSM so hilarious and biting that I asked his permission to repost it here for your enjoyment. High praise indeed. And a much-welcome entry into the growing body of satirical articles about HSM meant to rile up tween girls worldwide. Before another flame war starts, ladies, please keep in mind that I like HSM—I really do. Really.]

If you've been down Market Street in the past couple weeks you may have seen that big sign advertising the upcoming touring production of High School Musical at the Orpheum Theatre. Since this is probably going to be a big deal, we put together a set of little known facts about High School Musical to get you, the blog-reading, musical-theatre-going public, ready for the magic that is High School Musical.

Productions of High School Musical are 100% carbon neutral. They get their energy in a bundle of 8% solar, 12% geothermal, and 80% dreams of middle schoolers that high school will be the bastion of egalitarian frivolity full of song and dance depicted in the show instead of the soul-crushing prison-machine of despair and embarrassment that it actually will be.

The first rule of High School Musical is that you talk about High School Musical every day all the time. The second rule of High School Musical is that you talk about High School Musical all the time. The third rule of High School Musical is that if this is your first time at High School Musical, you have to fight.

The only thing that can kill High School Musical is another High School Musical. However, when High School Musical 2 came out, instead of killing the original High School Musical, they mated and created High School Musical 3 which, upon being released in theatres, will stage a para-military coup in southern Ohio using an army primarily composed of 12-year-old girls and 45-year-old gay men. The People's Republic of High School Musical will use as its flag a picture of Zac Efron with no shirt on and peg its currency to the Euro.

If you find yourself in the audience of a production of High School Musical, do not, and we repeat, do not run away. During a scene change, calmly rise from your seat, slowly walk out of the theatre, enter the nearest restroom, turn off the lights, cry.

Every time a Disney brand achieves total cross-platform ubiquity an angel gets its wings.

While most people think that David Simpatio's script for High School Musical is an adaptation of Romeo and Juliet, it's actually an update of Troilus and Cressida. You've never seen Troilus and Cressida so you have no idea if we're making this up.

During the reprise of "What I've Been Looking For" if you look in the background of the scene, you can clearly see though a window the silhouette of an midget hanging himself.

You can neither stop nor hope to contain High School Musical. You can only hope to stay just outside of its event horizon.

David Simpatico is now working on a musical stage adaptation of There Will Be Blood called There Might Be Blood. The biggest change is the ending where Daniel and Eli share milkshakes and sing a song about respecting each others differences.

When they sing, "we're all in this together," the "this" they are referring to is the effective loss of meaning in social interactions in our increasingly fragmented, highly technological, post-modern world. Or it could refer to a play or something, we never actually saw it.

We hope this helps, and remember: if you accidentally ingest High School Musical, call Poison Control immediately.

[Find more bloggings by Aaron Sankin right here.]
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  1. Solia Jacobs Said,

    one of my friends is actually on a 6 month tour with HSM. she's in the ensemble, and understudying for kelsey and sharpay (however you spell it.) kinda cool because i worked with her on the musical here before she got cast. :)


  2. golfwidow Said,

    I'm still perturbed by how much I crush on Coach Bolton.


  3. silver18 Said,

    Where do I sign up for the PRHM?


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