I Never Learn

Hayden Christensen had me the moment he started masturbating while simultaneously inhaling paint fumes from a plastic bag and hanging himself from a noose. (Once again, I am not kidding. See: Life as a House.) So despite the warnings of many friends, I went to see Jumper—simply because I was assured that there would be two scenes in which Mr. Christensen takes off his shirt. Well, he does indeed bare his chest (briefly), but, as for the movie, well, if only I had the power to jump from shirtless shot to shirtless shot, I would've been home hours ago to spank it. But now I'm too tired—when I shake my head in narrative disdain too much, it simply wears me out. Thank you, and good night.


  1. See, I'M the only guy in the world who swears up and down that Hayden can ACT. And I get made fun of for it.

  2. I'm the first person to admit that slowly turning evil through the course of two movies is a complicated and subtle process that 1st and foremost needs to be well written, which I didn't feel it was, but, man, I had a lot of trouble swallowing HC's Anakin whole.
    As to Life as a House, that's just crazy, I can't even imagine, although yr glowing review made me want to run right out and rent it.

  3. Jonny, Hayden CAN act. Evidence: Shattered Glass. (However, people have much more evidence against us, so it's not a fight worth fighting.)

    TBDA, fortunately, that scene happens within the first five minutes. You can skip the rest.... Oh, wait a minute, there's two scenes you have to fast-forward to: when he showers with the neighbor girl and points to his boner (not shown) and when he gets in an old man's car to prostitute himself (he doesn't go through with it).