Hot Girl Entourage Needed!

Amtrak launches its first-ever National Train Day on May 10, 2008, with events at four of Amtrak's largest stations—in Washington, DC; New York City; Chicago; and Los Angeles. While those first three cities are stuck with special appearances by the (highly suspect) likes of TV personality Al Roker; the Harlem Globetrotters; and second-string members of Santana, Journey, Boston, Steppenwolf, Toto, and Lynyrd Skynyrd (can you hear me rolling my eyes?), we lucky residents of L.A. will be graced with a concert performed by Drake Bell!

Since Jonny was the one who first introduced me to Drell and his music (via Jonny's pop-culture educated daughter), I'm pretty sure he'll come with me to see Drell play, but what I really need is a hot girl entourage! You see, there are videos on YouTube of Drake hanging out after concerts and having friendly conversations with groups of fangirls. Drake's natural man-lust, of course, dictates that he does things like linger after performances so that he can be surrounded by chicks and take in their feminine odor. (Girls secrete smells from their privates, right? Right?!)

Since Jonny and I are not chicks and since we do not release vagina smells into the air, the likelihood of Drake spending some quality post-concert time with us is low. We need a hot girl entourage! Applications are now being accepted.

This Drell appearance comes at the perfect time because I'm currently in the process of catching up on his Nickelodeon sitcom, Drake & Josh, which follows the misadventures of two mismatched stepbrothers—one's popular (Drake), one's nerdy (Josh). Yeah, yeah, the writing is very obviously aimed at kids, but the show does make me laugh and the leads are quite charming. And as an added bonus, Drake plays an arrogant man-slut! He's with a new girl like every other episode. Hot!

(Attention Donovan! For some reason, Drake on the sitcom kind of reminds me of you. It's the type of part and show you'd be perfect for. You really need to track down the casting people at Nickelodeon. Seriously.)

The hot girl entourage needs to come to my house to be briefed on how everything's going to go down on National Train Day. It's the whole switch-and-bait thing. You dangle a girl at him like a carrot, and then when he's about to take a bite I magically appear. Choo choo!

[Addendum: Check out "The Official Drake Bell Post."]


  1. I would imagine that there is some kind of virginal-vaginal-pheromone you could buy online that would have Drake uncontrollably make a beeline toward you.
    If not, maybe you could concoct one. You would make millions.

  2. Okay, you KNOW I'm there.

    You know there's a certain Oscar Winning Writer who could help get you an audience if she were to be persuaded to come along.