Holy Wiener

My friend Rica had a Filipino-Catholic upbringing, which means she now walks around feeling guilty all the time. I found great pleasure in sneaking up behind her and whispering in her ear, "Do you think Jesus had a big cock? 'Cuz if anyone were to have a big cock, it would have to be Jesus since he's the son of God and everything."

She would scream, "OH MY GOD!," and cover her ears—those years of fire-and-brimstone warnings coming back to haunt her.

In 2002, in an early draft of Boyz of All Nationz: The Rise and Fall of a Multi-Ethnic Boy Band, there were several lines of dialogue that were considered so offensive that the artistic director of a company that produced the play begged me to cut them:

LUZ: Do you think Jesus had a big cock? 'Cuz if anyone were to have a big cock, it would have to be Jesus since he's the son of God and everything

The AD, also from a Filipino-Catholic background, was sure that the county would be so horrified that they would cut the theater's funding next season. I actually didn't think he was being paranoid, so I took out those lines. Yes, I saved that company and pretty much all arts funding in that state.

Several years ago, I was working on a movie project that never came to fruition. The script featured a monologue about—you guessed it—Jesus and his big cock. Oh, you know, it sort of went something like this:

JERRY: Do you think Jesus had a big cock? 'Cuz if anyone were to have a big cock, it would have to be Jesus since he's the son of God and everything.

The actor who had been cast in the role is someone I love dearly, and he called me up one day to have a serious talk. The script contained some of the most overtly offensive material he had ever seen, but none of that bothered him at all. What was keeping him up at night was the Jesus' cock monologue.

"I can't," he pleaded, "I can't say that thing about...about...about the Messiah's member." Which was just about the funniest phrase I had ever heard in my life. The actor is a dear friend, so I cut the monologue.

Cosmic forces keep blocking me—or, shall we say, keep Jesus' cock-blocking me. Will those thoughtful lines ever make it into my work? Will they ever survive the rehearsal process?

But, really, am I that offensive? Obviously, it's not simply religious zealots who have a problem with the mention of the savior's wiener. Smart, rational people—good friends of mine—cringe at the mention. Will Jesus' cock ever become blase in the world court?


  1. Did you say SAVORY wiener?

    LOL @ "I can't say that thing about...about...about the Messiah's member!"

    'I don't care if it rains or freezes
    'slong as I got my plastic Jesus
    settin' on the dashboard of my car'


  2. Holy S-H-I-T! I need to remember not to eat while reading your blog, I almost choked on my Vietnamese sandwich.

    What made me almost choke? The Jesus cock-block comment.

    Wow, Prince.


    This sounds like fodder for Jukebox Stories 3.

  3. My sister and I have always wanted to work the phrase "Yeah, and Jesus was a gay black man," into a piece, but maybe now I'll change it to "Yeah, and Jesus was a gay black man with an ENORMOUS cock."

  4. If I ever have a chance to direct a show of yours I'll leave the lines in, I promise.

  5. Err, isn't the point of being, like, an actor to become the character that WOULD say such a thing? Am I missing something?

  6. Dude....I have never thought about Jesus's cock. Or the fact that he had a cock.........oooohhhh Prince.

    Why do you make me have a mental image now?

  7. Revisiting this post now, POST my Tom Leykis education, just made me HOWL! I love those lines and can't wait to hear them in your work someday!