I Could've Done ANYTHING

Speaking of martial arts movies, I went to see The Forbidden Kingdom on a late-night whim last week. You know, when you're sitting there at home in the dark and contemplating the endless and incomprehensible expanse of existence? You can temporarily blot out the soul-sucking power of your own uncontrollable thoughts with either alcohol or escapist entertainment. I don't drink.

The historic pairing of Jackie Chan and Jet Li in this time-traveling kung fu picture was supposed to jolt me into a happy state of mind, but the film is only moderately entertaining. I won't go into detail because I don't bad-mouth Asians (except for that blogger with an immature and idiotic grudge against me—SUCK IT!).

What did actually comfort me about that whole movie-going experience was the fact that I was the only person in the entire theater. I sat dead center with my bag of popcorn and my smuggled-in Diet Coke With Lime. (Hey, Mann Theatres, start carrying different flavors of Diet Coke, and maybe I'll buy drinks from your concession stand.)

Being the only person in the theater is such a unique thrill that I felt I had to take advantage of the circumstance and do something crazy like talk at the screen or dance up and down the aisles or spank it—loudly. But, alas, I couldn't shake my sense of propriety and sat there quietly—except for the many moments during the movie when I shook my head and mumbled, "WHAT?!"


  1. I've never been in a theater where I was the only one. I've been close--I'm pretty sure there were no more than half a dozen (ushers included) when I saw Glitter, and probably only four when I saw Swimfan. And I've never smuggled soda into a theater. However, since most theaters don't serve RC, maybe I should start.

  2. Ha ha! SUCK IT, indeed!
    You coulda' pulled a Paul Reubens (Pee Wee Herman).

  3. Adoresixtyfour, OMG!, if I were the only one at Swimfan, I defintiely would've spanked it. That Jesse Bradford is a fine piece of meat!

    Peter, I fear jail. As much as you think I may enjoy a prison gang bang, I DON'T.