Ooh, Heaven Is a Place on Earth

The moment I stepped onto the premises of The Americana at Brand this afternoon, a $400 million upscale outdoor shopping center and residential development, I started to cry. I immediately called up Loren and declared, "It's like heaven exists, and they decided to put it my backyard!" You see, The Americana is a scant four blocks away from my apartment, and, although I am by no means a spend-happy consumer (I rarely shop), I have a deep appreciation for what this decadent display of mass consumerism and excess represents—it's like America's hopes and dreams in physical form. Seriously. So that's why I cried. Seriously.

"I have to get off the phone now," I told Loren, "so I can wipe away my tears." And I also wanted to give The Americana, which had its grand opening on Thursday night, the full attention that it deserved. As I took it all in, I thought to myself, "I now know how all those immigrants felt when they passed through Ellis Island."

Aside from the 70+ shops and restaurants, 100 luxury condos, and 238 apartments, The Americana boasts an 18-screen movie theater (I just blew a load in my pants), a lavish fountain and waterfall (complete with a ridiculous fountain show every half hour), tacky bronze sculptures (public art—gotta love it), and trolleys (just in case you don't want walk around the 15.5 acre development). (And why would you want to? This is L.A.! For all you SoCal residents, the Los Angeles Times described it as "The Grove on steroids.")

What's even more ridiculous (and lovable) about it all is that The Americana opened up right next to the Glendale Galleria, one of the biggest indoor malls in the Southland. Out of all the people I've talked to so far, only Loren has truly displayed the excitement necessary to match the cheesy awesomeness of The Americana. So tomorrow I'm bringing my mother. And when her jaw drops at the sight of it all, I will ask her, "Is this how you felt when you first came to America?"


  1. The title of this blog makes me think of a line from that David Byrne song, Heaven.
    "Heaven is a place, a place where nothing, nothing really happens."

    I remember one time many years ago going to the Mall of Memphis to renew my driver's license. MoM has since closed it's doors, but at the time it was on it's last legs. I remember sitting in the completely empty food court eating soggy curly fries and watching the lone ice skater skate his heart out and wanting to cry. It was the single most depressing mall experience of my life.
    Just a little counterpoint...In case you were feeling too upbeat (sorry).

  2. Thank you posting this! You've saved me the 25 mile drive in L.A. traffic . . . and gas money!

  3. Hmm.... it's not quite the KFC Park of Happiness, is it?

  4. TBDA, I will make a note of it. Thank you.

    Peter, you have to see it with your own eyes!

    Jeff, holy shit, that's CRAZY!