A Place Where Nobody Dared to Go: The Playboy Mansion, Diablo Cody, and Me

The moment I walked onto the grounds of the Playboy Mansion, the DJ unwittingly started playing "Xanadu." I would like you all to take a moment to close your eyes and picture me, me, at the Playboy Mansion, making an awkward entrance, as this blasted through the speakers:

No, seriously, folks. If you did not press play and listen to that song while imagining my Playboy Mansion entrance, then you must stop and do it now. Seriously. And if you do not laugh out loud, then you are doing it wrong.

And then imagine me asking, to no one in particular, "Where do I go to snort cocaine off a whore's tits?!" (Alas, I did not witness any cocaine or whores. Fantasy and reality are really two different things, aren't they?)

The occasion was Diablo Cody's 30th birthday party, and, lest you think this small-town girl has been completely consumed by grotesque Hollywood decadence and excess, I'll have you know that she rented a bouncy castle. And if you did not laugh out loud again, you are not properly paying attention to this blog post. She rented a fucking bouncy castle. At the Playboy Mansion. And this is why everyone who loves Diablo Cody loves Diablo Cody.

The party had a pirate theme, and I agonized as to whether or not I should don a costume or at least carry an accessory like a sword or a telescope or a parrot, but I decided against it and chose to attend the party as a "butt pirate," which is to say that I basically dressed like I would normally dress (jeans, button-up shirt).

You probably already know all about the Playboy Mansion and its many pleasures, so I'm not going to go into too much detail about the grounds. I did check out the mountain-themed bathrooms (giant, environmentally unfriendly paper towels!), the zoo (lemur! monkey!), the aviary (big birds!), the game room (free Donkey Kong!), the infamous Grotto (smelled like certain dried bodily fluids! [or it may have been bleach to erase the smell of certain dried bodily fluids!])—but what I really want to talk about is the chocolate fondue.

The woman behind the chocolate fondue table was dipping strawberries, pineapple, cookies, brownies, marshmallows (with optional crushed graham crackers around it), and other assorted goodies.

"I can dip any of those things in the chocolate?" I asked.

She smiled. "You can dip anything in there."

I thought about Joey McIntyre in his leather pants, who was wandering though the crowd with fellow New Kid Jordan Knight. "Can I dip Joey McIntyre in there?!" I asked enthusiastically.

The woman did not respond.

Donovan turned to me and said, "I don't think she's going to answer you."

We looked back at the woman. She continued to not respond.

Oh, well. I got my chocolate-dipped things and walked away.

At first, I thought it would be tacky for me to blog about all the celebrities who were there. But I'm going to do it anyway. That way, when they all eventually Google themselves and land on this blog, they will all deeply regret not making out with me in the bouncy castle. Your loss, bitches!

Of course, the Juno contingent was there (Jason Reitman, Ellen Page, Allison Janney, Olivia Thirlby), as were famous directors (Eli Roth, Edgar Wright), Hollywood power couples whose beach photos show up in People and give me a cheap thrill (Justin Long and Drew Barrymore), hot films actors (Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Brandon Routh), TV stars (Michael C. Hall, Zachary Levi), musicians (Lily Allen, Courtney Love), and, of course, Hugh Hefner (in his signature robe) and his girlfriends. It was a bit overstimulating, and I kind of wished all of these people were in cages, so that I could gawk at them at my leisure. But, no, they were let loose to mix in with the common people, taking me aback whenever I would bump into any one of them, spilling a little bit of my Diet Cherry Pepsi on myself.

Aside from Diablo (to whom Courtney Love sang two songs ["Diablo's my girl crush"] and to whom Joe Mac wished a public happy birthday [in his—did I mention?—leather pants]), I think it was in fact me who felt most like a celebrity, even more so than all those celebrities I just mentioned. Why? Well, there were tons of Diablo's friends from Minneapolis there, and most of them are fans of Pork Chop and our video series. So they all approached me with great enthusiasm and Minnesotan love.

I mean, I'm sure people went up to the guy who stars in Chuck and said, "You're that guy in Chuck!" But I got hugs and fawning, and Minnesota hugs and fawning are a special kind of hugs and fawning. Yeah, Guy From Chuck, you didn't get hugs and fawning! You wanna know why? You don't have a fat cat in your show!

It was a great evening, and my only regret is that it didn't end with me at the bottom of a Chuck-Dexter-Superman heap in the bouncy castle. Celebrity has its limits.


  1. This is why I want to starfuck Prince, so that I can be invited to places where there are such hedonistic combinations as chocolate fondue, a bouncy castle, Xanadu music, and Jordan Knight!
    What a wet dream of a 30th birthday party!
    That poor fondue woman, maybe you rendered her speechless, LOL.

  2. Does Marilyn know about this?

  3. Hi Prince, sorry I backed you up against the edge of the pool to fawn over you. The good news is I think I got a Hollywood STD from the grotto to bring back to MN. See you again sooooon!

  4. Did you see the girlfriends?? Are they REALLY THAT BLONDE?!?!

  5. Prince, I was so glad to be one of the crazy fawning Minneapolitans! So awesome to me you and the gang...but bummed no Porkchop at the mansion, he could of sat with Hef and the girls.

  6. PS. When are you and the gang coming out to Minneapolis so we can entertain you??

  7. As fine a dj as he was, that man did not have the moxie to play Xanadu. That was our own jonny that created the pre-dj mix for the par-par.
    It was great to see your smiling face there laddie! If it weren't for the dynamics of an impromtu live performance, I would have been able to chat with you a tad more.

  8. don't worry peter, he'll be all over you when we win the amazing race!

    pg~only you report it like it really is... bless your cottons.

  9. Henceforth, you are required to give me explicit details of any and all Joseph Gordon Levitt sightings. Also, Allison Janney turns me on a little. Otherwise, sorry the bouncy castle didn't work out better for you. Try wearing leather pants next time.

    Buster just tried to type hello.

  10. Anonymous6/23/2008

    Um, why are you wasting time hanging out at mansions with stupid Diablo Cody when you should be making more episodes of Weighing Pork Chop and other consumable entertainments? You were put on this Earth to churn out "product" for my amusement and (someday) to play with my genitals while I play with yours. So get crackin', Mister Lazy!

  11. Anonymous6/23/2008

    Oh, yeah, an irony just occurred to me. Your story about the Playboy Mansion actually was pretty entertaining, so I guess you've been taking care of business after all.

  12. The only thing that would have made me happier is having a new Porkchop video with Xanadu as the music. Except, possibly, Magic.

    If I ever have chocolate fondue at a party, you can dip whomever you want into it.

  13. :-)

    The highlight of the evening was that yummy NKOB cake and watching Deebs melt when Joey sang happy birthday to her.


    Oh and there are many other highlights, but they involve nudity...

  14. you fucking crack me up

  15. Since you all like this post so much, I may just reward you with a Part 2!!!!! 'Cuz there's more. Oh, so much more.

  16. Oh, I only wish I would've been there to fawn over you as well. You're true pop royalty!