Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D is not a movie. It's an amusement park ride. And that's not a complaint, by the way. I don't go into the first-ever all live-action 3D movie wanting Tennessee Williams or Gore Vidal or even Jackie Collins. I want huge, leaping piranhas! I want scary dinosaurs! I want giant, blood-thirsty Venus flytraps! I want ridiculously long free-falls into the center of the motherfucking earth! I want shameless homages to (rip-offs of?) Indiana Jones and The Goonies and pretty much everything Steven Spielberg has ever been affiliated with (except maybe Schindler's List)! So after spending some time with pesky things like setting up plot and character (I don't care enough to remember what that was all about), I get everything I came for! (Those who don't want what I want out of this movie, back away please—there's nothing to see here.)
And on top of that (or, shall we imagine, on top of me), I get Brendan Fraser, who's perfectly charming and visually tasty. I always thought he was a handsome man, but I never really did obsess over him like I do some other celebrities that you see humiliated by my lust right here on this blog, but I've got to tell you: I want Brendan Fraser to do nasty, unspeakable things to me. Watching him run around all buff and sweaty and tearing off the sleeves of his thermal shirt (I'm not kidding!) and also in wife-beater is enough to make me reach out for him right there in that 3D theater to stroke his biceps—but accidentally finger the hair of the woman sitting in front of me. That's the price of Brendan Fraser's beauty.