"10 Ways Prince Can Increase His Gay Male Readership" BY PETER VARVEL, GUEST BLOGGER

Posted by Prince Gomolvilas
ON Thursday, August 28, 2008
[Because straight guys account for a scant 18% of Bamboo Nation's readership (compared to 54% straight women), a couple weeks ago I asked my BFF, Mike Valentino, to write a guest post detailing "10 Ways Prince Can Increase His Straight Male Readership," an assignment that he fulfilled with obvious care and unbridled glee.

What I
didn't reveal to you at that time was a shocking poll statistic. Despite what most people think, gay males also account for exactly 18% of my readership! I'm not making that up! What the hell?!

In order to restore balance and diversity to Bamboo Nation (and to increase my chances of dangerous man-on-man liaisons), I asked my number one gay stalker fan, Peter Varvel, how to draw more homos my way. Here, he goes beyond the call of duty.]

1. Talk about cock. A lot. Or, in the case of Bamboo Nation, continue to talk about cock even more than you already do—if that is even possible. The key is to serve it up as mystery meat—only talk about cock and don't show cock (like here). If you show cock, you will risk losing the interest of your gay male readers mere seconds after they reach orgasm.

2. Be a cocktease. Show as many pecs and abs as possible. Gay men are a visually stimulated demographic, and we love a good dose of eye candy on a frequent and regular basis. Ryan Reynolds in the remake of The Amityville Horror and A&F models are perfect examples. Unlike showing cock, a perpetual display of shirtless hunks can only extend the amount of time gay men spend on Bamboo Nation, as well as ensure repeated visits. We are somehow wired to associate the baring of well-toned pecs and abs with the promise that the baring of raging hard cocks will soon follow—no matter how futile that promise actually is.

3. Always talk about High School Musical. Always. Or any current equivalent of watered-down entertainment that passes as a pop-music version of musical theater, such as Camp Rock. Many gay men are emotionally stunted enough to enjoy the same fads and trends as tween girls.

4. Worship Women, Part 1. Regularly feature drag queens or transwomen, such as RuPaul, Coco Peru, and Alexis Arquette. These women are trailblazers who have paved a path to freedom—giving gay men the freedom to be as effeminate, swishy, and unabashedly queeny as we like, without the fear of getting our asses kicked anymore. (Well, mostly, as long as you make sure to stay out of North Carolina).

5. Worship Women, Part 2. Also feature biological women who inspire gay men, whether they are bitches, skanks, or hos. Yesteryear's gay role models—the Joan Crawfords, the Judy Garlands, and even the Barbras ("like buttah!")—have been replaced with a new slew of sluts for us to idolize and emulate: Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen, etc.

6. Know your dirt. Give us bitchy queens something to gossip about in order to reinforce our feelings of smugness and superiority. If straight men like to place women on pedestals because it's easier to see up their dresses, then gay men like to place women even higher so that they have farther to fall. Take advantage of your industry connections with Academy-Award winning screenwriters and writer/directors of Outfest shorts, and give us the kitty-litter scoop on the pathetic pitfalls and fallible antics of celebrities we love to hate! For example, use those connections to...

7. Out someone. Nothing gives a gay-rag reader more satisfaction than to be able to shout triumphantly, "I knew he was gay!" (Not that Bamboo Nation is a rag....)

8. Embrace gay stereotypes. Bamboo Nation is not intended for the Log Cabin facet of our subculture, so, grrrrrl? Bob that head from side-to-side with one hand on your hip, while snapping your fingers with the other and stating your approval with a loud and obnoxious "Fierce!" or "Fabulous!" Yes, gay men often try to copy African-American women, and there ain't no shame in that game.

9. Worship Women, Part 3. Quote comediennes. If you are able to back up your own opinions with specific statements made by Margaret Cho, Kathy Griffin, and/or Whoopi Goldberg, you will definitely increase and pump up and sustain the size of your—um...where was I...oh, yeah!—gay male readership, thanks to the built-in homosexual fan base of these goddesses.

10. Obsess about diet, health, and fitness. It doesn't matter whether someone is feminine, masculine, or any combination of the two—gay men are obsessed with their bodies. You can tap into their narcissism and their insecurities by talking about how to achieve broader shoulders, slimmer waistlines, and bigger arms. Gay men are obsessed with their bodies because of how much sex it may or may not help them to get.

[Find more bloggings by Peter Varvel right here.]

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  1. Quin Browne Said,

    well, goodness.

    you forgot bette.


  2. Actually, Peter had Bette in there, as well as like 50 other names. Bitch is thorough. Bitch got edited!


  3. Quin Browne Said,

    you took out BETTE???

    The Divine Miss M????

    are you insane?? you call yourself gay, well, HA!!!


  4. There's a lot of cocks in there. I bet if I google cock up, I'll get your blog Prince.


  5. You know, sequels are never as good as the originals.


  6. Mike, them's fightin' words. They warrant a naked wrestling match.


  7. I'm ready to throw down. How about a little of this!


  8. And a little bit of that!


  9. Hoorah! That should set me as the top commenter (lately)! "I'm so quick that I hit the light switch and am in bed before the lights go out" -Ali


  10. Peter Varvel Said,

    . . . Peter-cum-lately, now just returning (pant, pant).
    I ain't worried - sequels that don't measure up to the original almost always have a loyal cult following, sometimes for decades.
    Just look at the fans of Grease 2!


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