[Prince's Note: As you may know, my latest poll revealed that 54% of Bamboo Nation's readership is straight women, while straight males account for a scant 18%. (We'll deal with the gays and lesbians next week.) As you may also know, one of my missions in life is to corrupt heterosexual guys by making them question their sexuality (if at least for a moment) and/or having them put themselves into my mouth (if at least for an hour). This mission will continue to be severely compromised if I don't get more straight men to read this blog and become strangely enamored of me.
So, naturally, I asked Bamboo Nation's resident straight guy and my BFF, Mike Valentino, to write a guest post to help me rectify the situation. (I know other straight guys are avid readers and could've guested, but they're one notch below straight because they love Project Runway [like him], they go to gay bars sometimes [like him and him], or they're involved in theater [like him and him and him and him and him]. Sorry if I missed anyone.)
So it had to be Mike. (And, yes, our relationship to each other has upgraded to the point where we are now exchanging private—oh-so-private—e-mails.) And he really came through for me, even though he's all the way in (*shudder*) North Carolina. That's what BFFs are for.]
10 Ways Prince Can Increase His Straight Male Readership
1. Vagina. Mention it often and descriptively. You could even have a weekly piece called "Vagina of the Week," where you post a picture of sum random snatch. You would, of course, need a straight man's help to determine which vaginas are actually nice-looking because I'm sure to you they all appear as loose and elongated buttholes. And while we're on the subject of buttholes, please make sure that the vagina photos do not show an actual butthole. Some straight men may find this attractive due to the rise in anal sex popularity, but you can leave that for sum other pervert as to not draw suspicion.
2. Refrain from any and all mention of Brendan Fraser. Not only is this disturbing to most straight men, it is (or if not, it should be) disturbing to any and all who possess reproductive organs.
3. Kill someTHING. Straight men enjoy hunting animals whether for food or sport (which is just another word for masochism). I know finding deer or wild boar in the City of Angels might be difficult, so if you have to reduce yourself to cornering a family of raccoons, beware—they bite! During the filming of this (which you should post immediately afterward) you must not forget to focus intensely on the "kill shot." The exact moment where you slit the raccoon's neck and drink the blood from its twitching body will be fleeting, so make sure to put it in slow motion and replay it over and over again for our viewing pleasure.
4. The mention of sweaty balls is okay—you just have to put it in the correct context. Saying "I want his sweaty balls to slap me in the face while I suck his dick" might be okay for your current audience, but runs the risk of scaring straight males off. You can, however, say something along the lines of "Boy, I worked out so hard that I've got sweaty balls" or "It was so hot my balls were sweating like a nun in a whore house." See? Context, context, context.
5. Recommend an alcoholic beverage. Straight men love to drink—but you have to be sensitive as to what you recommend they place in their mouths. Stay away from anything with fruit in it. Drinks with creative names like "Sex on the Beach" and "Red-Headed Slut" may sound like drinks any vagina-loving male would quickly devour, but are far from masculine. You may want to start off with a recipe for an "Irish Car Bomb" because nothing screams heterosexuality like a premeditated violent act of terrorism.
6. Kill someONE. If you develop an overly masculine straight audience, the hunting of innocent animals may not be enough to satisfy their blood lust. Try to limit your kill demographics strictly to minorities, though. If raccoons are too elusive, I hear that L.A. is crawling with "blacks" and "Mexicans." And always go for the alpha male. Killing the runt of the litter may be fun in the heat of battle, but it is far from masculine.
7. Lie. Prince, we all know how proud you are of your profession, but, for Christ's sake, lie! Nothing screams "homo" like the theater, so opt for a more mainstream, masculine profession like bull-riding. Sum may not believe this due to your size, but just remember there's no shame in telling them you're a rodeo clown.
8. Never mention High School Musical again. I don't know what it is exactly, and I don't care. All I know is that every prepubescent girl I see has a High School Musical lunch box. So aligning yourself with this phenomenon is far from "straight," unless, of course, you intend on molesting one of these prepubescent girls. In that case, high-five! Nothing screams masculinity like forcing yourself on someone smaller and weaker, and the fact that it's illegal makes it that much more hardcore.
9. Exaggerate the size of your member. Nothing dominates the straight male mind more than penis envy. Always remember that size refers not only to length, but also to girth. If you do have to mention a sexual experience with another man, be sure to include how massive you are in the process. A straight man will overlook such blatant homosexuality if penis praise is included. Something like "The guy who sucked my dick last night couldn't even fit the whole thing in his mouth" will suffice, followed by "My cock is a monster. It should have its own zip code." If any of your readers challenge this, quickly find an Internet picture of one much larger than your own and post it.
10. Finally, never back down. Stubbornness is the keystone trait of straight males. Whether you're brutally slaying a wildebeest or sexually assaulting the weaker sex, never slow in your pursuit of self-gratification.
If you follow these simple suggestions, I'm sure your straight male readership will grow by leaps and bounds.
[Prince's Note #2: Ah, there's so much to discuss here, isn't there? I'll let you all start, and I shall continue. (Also, by the way, Mike's use of "sum" is intentional. It is all about context.)
Find more bloggings by Mike Valentino right here.]