[After the shocking revelations in Part 1 and Part 2, today we conclude my chat with Mike Valentino, my BFF.]
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: What do you do for fun where you are?
MIKE VALENTINO: Most people go to church.
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: That's it?
MIKE VALENTINO: Social life for most people in the Mountains seems to revolve around church.
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: Is there bingo?
MIKE VALENTINO: Yes, gambling's a sin, but bingo isn't. What the F?
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: Bingo is a glorious gift from God!
MIKE VALENTINO: And Go Fish is the Devil's work.
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: Why did you start blogging?
MIKE VALENTINO: I suppose not having like-minded friends to vent to forced me to find an alternative. Also, I saw Juno.
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: Juno inspired you to blog?
MIKE VALENTINO: I loved the writing so much. So I scrolled the credits and found the writer and read about how she got to where she is.
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: Ah. Yes. Through blogging.
MIKE VALENTINO: And it seemed okay at the time.
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: Now you know, Mike, Diablo Cody and I have this deal where she has agreed to lure innocent men into her lair, "excite" them, and then suddenly leave—at which point I would walk in and finish the job. It's the whole bait-and-switch thing. Be warned.
MIKE VALENTINO: Well, I don't plan on going to any lair anytime soon.
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: I'm saying this as a friend. As a BFF.
MIKE VALENTINO: Someone else can have her. I've got what I want.
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: Oh, you and your Southern morals and your wedding vows. It's SO Civil War era.
MIKE VALENTINO: I'm so passé. I feel like taking last year's scarf out the closet and hanging myself with it.... Marriage—what's that? Sumthing gays can't do!
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: So I assume you found me via Diablo Cody research.
MIKE VALENTINO: I can't remember. It must've been. I just remember reading your stuff and being floored. You have to understand—there's a lot of bullshit blogs out there.
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: I am fluffed. I mean, flattered.
MIKE VALENTINO: The greatest ego boost I've had for my own writing is reading all the bullshit other people write.
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: So true.... Who would win in a game of Gay Chicken: you or me?
MIKE VALENTINO: I'll take the bait—what's Gay Chicken?
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: Oh, there are different variations. Two guys try to do gay-ish things to each other, and the first one to back away is "chicken" and loses. Look it up on YouTube. It's usually two straight guys. Well, actually, it only works with straight guys. That was the irony of my question. But, alas, it was lost on you. Your education must continue.
MIKE VALENTINO: We have cockfights in the South, but I don't think it's the same thing.
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: Ha ha ha ha!
MIKE VALENTINO: I know what tops and bottoms are. And I've seen gay porn.
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: Wait wait wait! Explain please!
MIKE VALENTINO: I actually had a friend over back when we lived in Charleston. I was trying to weird him out, so I searched for some gay porn on the computer. It was pretty raunchy. But, then again, all porn is pretty raunchy.
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: Did your friend pop a chubby?
MIKE VALENTINO: Well, we weren't in our Underoos, so I'm not sure. But I doubt it.
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: Our time's almost up, so I have a couple final questions here.
MIKE VALENTINO: Shoot.
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: Before you knew me, on a scale of 1 to 10, how likely were you to agree to be "bi-curious" with me, in theory?
MIKE VALENTINO: You want the truth or smoke up your ass?
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: Truth!
MIKE VALENTINO: Zero.
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: Okay. Last question. Now that our relationship has developed and blossomed, on a scale of 1 to 10, how likely are you to agree to be "bi-curious" with me now?
MIKE VALENTINO: A thousand. A thousand million. Or something like that.
PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: And that is why you will always be my BFF.