The Mummy: Tomb of the Preposterous Paternity

Posted by Prince Gomolvilas
ON Monday, August 04, 2008
As I expected, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is chock full of fantastical elements—the discovery of the utopian Shangri-La, a battle between armies of the walking dead, a fight sequence featuring giant yetis (I'm not kidding!)—but the most head-scratching, unbelievable, and frankly unacceptable part of the new Mummy movie is that Brendan Fraser has fathered a son that looks barely younger than him. I'm not exaggerating. Brendan's character looks like he's in his mid-30s, and his son (played by Australian actor Luke Ford) looks like he's in his mid-20s at best.

When there weren't big, loud, fun action scenes going on (how could you not love a giant yeti fight?!), the only thing I could think about was the preposterous idea that Brendan Fraser fathered Luke Ford.

In real life, Brendan is 39, and Luke is 27. I know Brendan Fraser is virile and all and he could very well have fucked and impregnated a girl at the age of 12, but it defies logic because he was son-less in the first two Mummy pictures, in which he was well into his 30s. [Addendum 08.04.08 @ 2:39PM: A reader just alerted me to the fact that Brendan Fraser did indeed have a son in The Mummy Returns. The kid was 10 though, which still doesn't explain how, in the new movie, Brendan and Luke look more like gay lovers than father and son.]

And since the non-action sequences kind of bored me (um, I don't need a plot—the movie is called The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, for Christ's sake—just throw shit at me!), I latched on to this idea of absurd paternity and could not let go. I kept wanting to yell at the screen, "Hold up, hold up, you all need to get your asses to the Maury Povich show and do a paternity test!" And at the end of The Mummy paternity segment, Maury would reach into that envelope for the DNA test results and declare, "Brendan, in the case of 27-year-old Luke...you ARE NOT the father!"

Duh.
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9 Comments

  1. Peter Varvel Said,

    "It could happen!"
    ~Judy Tenuta

     

  2. Quin Browne Said,

    i walked out


    maybe it was the usual things that drive me mad.. things like brandon using a thumbs up gesture (not done in that time period) or the zipper up the nightgown (hello?)... continuity gets me every time. that overrode the age issues.. and i left.

    *sigh*

     

  3. Camille Said,

    Actually, in the second movie Brendan is married and has a son. The whole movie is about is son getting the Scorpion Kings bracelet locked on his wrist! But even so, I agree paternity thing isn't logical.

     

  4. Peter, "you cannot possess me, NO!"

    Quin, you missed the yetis!

    Camille, thanks for the clarification--I'm going to update my post.

     

  5. Eh what happened to Evia a.k.a the wife? How come she's missing?

     

  6. Quin Browne Said,

    i'll live.

    and maria bello's attempt to do a 'plummy' english accent?


    plueeezzeee.

     

  7. TCDO, Evie is now played by Maria Bello because Rachel Weisz didn't want to do it.

    Quin, I am by no means defending this movie, but...yetis!

     

  8. Quin Browne Said,

    i may be forced to do a pirated download.


    don't tell anyone.

     

  9. Quin, honestly, it's not worth the time. Just take my word for it.

     



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