Dork Trek; or: Madea Goes to Space; or: Rudy Huxtable Grows Up to Be a Dirty Slut

I saw Star Trek last night at the Arclight in Hollywood, where a theater full of geeks experienced simultaneous orgasms repeatedly for two hours. Seriously. It smelled like bleach in there.

I am not a Trekkie. In fact, anytime a Star Trek-related anything appears on my TV screen, I dive for the ground as if I'm throwing myself on a hand grenade to save a battalion. This is something I have to do often. Loren, you see, has a tendency to fill up the DVR hard drive with episodes of Next Generation, which should be expected since he does own an Enterprise uniform and a phaser. I don't know who should be more embarrassed—he or I.

Anyway, going to the new Star Trek was part of Alyssa C.'s birthday party, so it's been on my calendar for weeks. I wrote it down as "Star Blecchh" and have been calling it "Dork Trek" around anybody who will listen.

This is a good movie.

But I don't want to talk about that. I want to talk about the fact that Tyler Perry is in it. Tyler Perry! The guy who plays Madea! He's the head of the motherfucking Starfleet Academy! Throughout the film, I was half-expecting Madea to march onscreen (is she really any less grotesque than the creatures on Star Trek?) and unleash a screed against the Romulans: "I ain't scared o' no Ro-Ro! Call the Ro-Ro, ho! Call the Ro-Ro, ho!" (Building a joke that requires prerequisite knowledge of both Star Trek and Tyler Perry movies is a dangerous feat, but aren't you glad I did it anyway?)

Although I admire Tyler Perry immensely, I know that many of you don't. But you have to give the man mad props, if only for that fact that he cast The Cosby Show's Keisha Knight-Pulliam in his last movie, Madea Goes to Jail. And guess what? Rudy Huxtable is a crack ho! That deserves your respect. Give it. Give it, dork!

Those of you wishing for a Star Trek review befitting to nerds should read Jonny's post. My work is done here.


  1. I always thought it smelled like chlorine.

  2. I'm going to Jonny's now.