Those of you living in the Los Angeles area (or who will be visiting the Los Angeles area) have a chance to win a pair of tickets to the world premiere production of Anthony Mora's Modern Love at the Sidewalk Studio Theatre in Burbank—this is a $40 value! Here are details about the production:

MODERN LOVE
by Anthony Mora

Modern Love—written by a playwright who has been compared to Mamet, Pinter, Nabokov, and Chandler—follows an L.A.-based film producer turned writer/director whose obsession with his directorial debut takes him down a dark, precarious path.

Now through February 22, 2009
Fridays & Saturdays @ 8:00 p.m.

Tickets:
$20

Sidewalk Studio Theatre
4150 W. Riverside Drive
Burbank, CA 91505

For more information and tickets, visit Sidewalk Studio Theatre.

For a chance to win, all you have to do is guess what one item I almost always order from the concession stand when I go to the movies—your guess must include the size and the item. Leave your guess in the comments section. If you're not a Blogger member, you can comment anonymously and leave your name or your initials; when I announce the winner, you'll know if you won and all you have to do is e-mail me your full name and the date you'd like to attend. In the event of a tie, the winner will be chosen randomly from all correct guesses. Deadline for entries is Wednesday, February 4, 2009, 11:59PM. The winner will be announced on Thursday, February 5, 2009—and must claim his/her prize via e-mail within 24 hours or the prize will go to someone else.

This is an older news story, but I'm sure you'll appreciate its timelessness. Watch:

Producer and star James Gunn has masterminded a short movie, Roadside Ass-sistance, starring real-life porn star Sasha Grey. The following clip is not safe for work, but, oddly enough, it has no sex in it. You see, the flick is what's called "PG Porn," made especially "for people who love everything about porn...except the sex." Watch:

I've pretty much said everything I've wanted to say about the moral outrage I feel when Hollywood whitewashes Asian America, detailed in my monologue, "21 Reasons Why This Movie Already Sucks." So I don't have much more to add to the discussion about the upcoming movie adaptation of Nickelodeon's Avatar: The Last Airbender, but I will say that it is a rather bizarre situation. Here are some details from the San Francisco Chronicle:

• Nickelodeon's animated TV series, Avatar, has an "Asian-inspired setting. The core ideas are drawn from Hindu, Taoist and Buddhist philosophy; its character names - Aang, Katara, Toph Bei Fong - incorporate Chinese, Japanese and Southeast Asian phonemes; and its visual identity is modeled on traditional Asian iconography."

• "When the core cast of the Avatar movie was revealed, hard-core fans recoiled - not because the actors are mostly unknowns, drawn from open auditions across the country, but because, well, they're white."

• "Two of the most celebrated Asian American creators in comics - Gene Yang, National Book Award finalist for his graphic novel, American Born Chinese, and Derek Kirk Kim, whose work has won comics' most prestigious laurels, the Xeric, Ignatz, Eisner and Harvey awards" - launched "a protest that's generated torrents of both support and criticism."

• But the tricky thing is that Avatar was "invented by two white Americans, Bryan Konietzko and Mike DiMartino."

• And "many of the voice actors for the original series are white as well."

• On top of that, "the director who chose those [white movie] actors is one of the few top-tier Asian American filmmakers in Hollywood, M. Night Shyamalan."

Read the entire article here.

So there's this new website that features short video clips of Jewish people over the age of 60, cracking jokes. A great idea, I must say. I mean, I'm not really into "traditional jokes," per se, but, coming out of the mouths of old Jews they have a certain charm. Watch:



I like that old Jew theme music too.

For more, visit Old Jews Telling Jokes.

[Thanks to Aaron Lee Fineman for sending me this.]

The reason I bought the audio cassette of Brian Wilson's self-titled debut solo album in 1988 (yes, kids, back in the day, we listened to music on these things called "tapes") was because Electric Light Orchestra mastermind Jeff Lynne produced one of the songs, the delightful pop confection, "Let It Shine." I've followed Wilson's post-Beach Boys career since then, equally admiring of his inarguable musical genius (Pet Sounds—in yo face, Beatles!) and fascinated by his well-documented bouts with mental illness (the film, I Just Wasn't Made for These Times, covers that topic).

Well, a pair of tickets to the Brian Wilson concert last night at the Wiltern in Los Angeles fell into my lap (thanks to dedicated blog reader, Lucy G., whose generosity apparently knows no bounds—holla!), so Loren and I were thrilled because we've been listening to Wilson's new album, That Lucky Old Sun, repeatedly for weeks now.

Backed by a ten-piece band (with a five-person string section and an accordion player appearing about a third into the concert), the first set and encore were chock full of Beach Boys hits. It was a bit overwhelming. I mean, you name it, they played it—and beautifully at that.

And I do believe last night was the first time I've heard an actual theremin live. (By the way, have you seen the good and strange documentary, Theremin: An Electric Odyssey?)

The highlight, for me, however, was Wilson's second set, in which he performed That Lucky Old Sun from beginning to end, with barely enough pauses to give the audience time to clap in between songs. Goddamn, I thought, this is a man who still believes in the idea of the "album"—in the idea that, sure, you can enjoy a choice track or two on its own, but the culminative effect of all the songs put together in order is something transcendent.

That Lucky Old Sun is a concept album about living and dreaming in California and, more specifically, in Los Angeles. Many will appreciate the album for its lovely melodies, beautiful harmonies, and layers and layers of brilliant instrumentation, but residents of Los Angeles will find special resonance, will probably absorb it on a deeper level.

But Wilson is also dealing with universal themes of love, longing, and the pursuit of happiness that are sure to strike a chord with anyone.

On one of the final tracks on the album, "Goin' Home," Wilson gets personal. It was hard not to choke up a bit when—referencing his psychological problems— he sang, "At 25 I turned out the light/'Cause I couldn't handle the glare in my tired eyes/But now I'm back/Drawing shades of kinder sky." Can you fucking believe that?!

Take a listen to "Morning Beat," the album's second track:


(Of course, I do feel a tad like a douchebag for attempting to write something intelligent about Brian Wilson, given I know people who are like actual worldwide authorities on the man—you know who you are—holla! But, hey, I write for the common people!)

Only regular readers will understand why the following video is so delightful. Watch:

[There's a news story that's been doing the rounds and that's been pissing me off to no end. But before I write a post about it, I think you need a little background to get where I'm coming from. So, I am publishing here a monologue titled "21 Reasons Why This Movie Already Sucks," one of the core stories that I performed in Jukebox Stories: The Case of the Creamy Foam, which ran at Impact Theatre in Berkeley in the spring of 2008 and which was named as one of the top ten plays of the year by the East Bay Express.]

What is the greatest piece of Asian-American literature of all time?

Is it The Woman Warrior by Maxine Hong Kingston? No.

Native Speaker by Chang-Rae Lee? Nooo.

The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan? Heeeeel no.

The greatest piece of Asian-American literature of all time is Bringing Down the House by Ben Mezrich. Bringing Down the House tells the true story of six M.I.T. math students who devise a blackjack card-counting system that wins them millions of dollars in Las Vegas. And the reason why this book is the greatest piece of Asian-American literature of all time is because Asians love gambling.

If you don’t believe me, just go to an Indian casino and look at the clientele. It’s like a Filipino fish market in there.

I mean, look at my dad, okay? Here’s a man who suffered two major heart attacks and a stroke, is partially paralyzed, has trouble walking, cannot speak, and is going senile, but despite all that he still manages to get on a bus almost every day in Southern California and go to the race track. Yes. My father can’t really function all that well, but, goddamn, he knows how to place a bet.

And guess how the first year of my college education was financed. Not through accumulated savings that my parents had built over time, no. My mother hit the jackpot on a nickel slot machine at the Frontier Hotel and Casino in Vegas.

You see, that is a sickness. There is an evil gambling gene that all Asians have trapped inside their smooth and tender bodies.

But the gambling thing isn’t the only element that makes this the greatest piece of Asian-American literature of all time. The protagonist of the book is Asian American, and, in fact, many of the characters in the book are Asian American. But of course you already knew that the moment I said “M.I.T. math students.” Of course they were Asian!

So when it was announced a couple years ago that Bringing Down the House was going to be made into a movie re-titled 21 by a major production company and distributed by a major studio, I was thrilled. As an act of celebration, I went out and bought a new rice cooker.

This was now going to be the greatest piece of Asian-American cinema of all time. Finally, Asian-Americans—particularly Asian-American men—were going to be given a fair shot in a mainstream motion picture. And this was important because despite a few breakthroughs like John Cho, many Asian-American actors were still relegated to playing the Chinese waiter or the Japanese tourist or the Asian gangster or the computer nerd or the dirty refugee or the token ethnic person in the background.

But in this new movie, the characters could be portrayed just like they were portrayed in the book. They were real, three-dimensional Asian Americans. And, sure, they were all stereotypically good at math, but they were also the heroes of the book and they were given depth.

For example, the main character in the book is Kevin Lewis, and it was later revealed to the public that his real name is actually Jeffrey Ma. And Jeffrey is described as a bright, good-looking, charismatic M.I.T. whiz kid, a Chinese American who was in a fraternity and played water polo and defied stereotypes. And now, with this new movie, in one fell swoop, Hollywood could finally atone for its casting sins of the past.

But then…a dastardly thing happened on the way to the movie set.

And that’s why, even though 21 hasn’t been released yet, I present to you now, ladies and gentlemen…

21 Reasons Why This Movie Already Sucks.

One:

They cast Jim Sturgess in the lead role. For those of you who don’t know, Jim Sturgess—the star of the Beatles musical, Across the Universe—happens to be Caucasian.

Not only that but:

Two:

Jim Sturgess is so white professional photographers could use him to take light meter readings.

Now: just to be clear:

Three:

Caucasian Jim Sturgess was cast as the character based on Chinese Jeffrey Ma.

But here’s what bothers me most:

Four:

I was hoping that they were gonna give him buckteeth, tape his eyes back, and have him do a funny accent, because at least the audience would notice that there was something fishy going on.

But they’re not gonna do that because:

Five:

It’s worse. In the movie, the character has been completely changed into a white guy with absolutely no trace of his original Asian-American identity.

So now:

Six:

Most of America will never know the act of complete cinematic whitewashing that has taken place.

Now don’t get me wrong. I like Jim Sturgess. But:

Seven:

This is not the kind of movie he should be in. He actually should’ve been cast as Ray Charles in Ray or as Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland or as Frank Lucas, you know, the Denzel Washington character in American Gangster.

Or:

Eight:

The Denzel Washington character in The Great Debaters or Remember the Titans or The Hurricane or Malcolm X or any other Denzel Washington movie based on real people.

Because:

Nine:

Apparently, in 2008, judging by the movie 21, it’s perfectly okay to cast Caucasians as ethnic minorities.

Or:

Ten:

In order to hide the fact that you’re doing that, you just erase a character’s ethnicity altogether as if ethnicity does not matter.

And, yes, I know:

Eleven:

Some of you might think I’m race-baiting, but in a world where I still hear people hurl racial slurs at me from their car, I am convinced that ethnicity does matter.

Not only that but:

Twelve:

I wouldn’t be so upset if race weren’t a significant factor in the book, but it is. Bringing Down the House offers a very real glimpse into Asian-American culture.

And, in fact:

Thirteen:

The book details how other people’s perceptions of these M.I.T. students’ ethnic identities factored in to their blackjack scheme.

And, you know:

Fourteen:

People say that I should be happy because the producers, out of an apparent act of charity, did cast two Asian Americans in smaller roles: the Korean dude from Disturbia and some random token hot Asian chick.

But I ask you: Why the hell should I be happy? That’s like somebody jerking you off halfway and then leaving.

What’s so wrong with that?

Well:

Fifteen:

Did you know that it has been scientifically proven that you can die from blue balls?

And let’s not forget:

Sixteen:

This whole situation gives me nightmarish flashbacks to my own past experiences in Hollywood.

Remember the time that an executive at a movie studio that shall remain nameless—but rhymes with “Fair Amount”—actually told me to my face he wanted me to change the Asian-American lead character in a screenplay I wrote into a white guy?

And:

Seventeen:

Remember the time when a certain talent agent only wanted to take a look at my script about a little Asian-American boy only if I would consider rewriting the part so that Dakota Fanning could star in it?

And:

Eighteen:

Remember how I found out that Hollywood didn’t just shun Asian Americans, but all minorities?

For example:

Nineteen:

There was that time a film development head wanted me to alter my two lead gay characters so that they would be two straight people who got married at the end and lived happily ever after.

And:

Twenty:

How about that time I was developing a script called Chocolate Buddha at a film studio? The story was about a black guy who hides out in a Buddhist monastery. And I was shocked to learn that, despite the fact that African Americans have made great strides in Hollywood, executives could still look me in the eye and tell me it would be much better if the star of the movie were Caucasian, essentially changing my film into White Chocolate Buddha.

And finally:

Twenty-One.

Ben Mezrich, the author of Bringing Down the House, won’t return my e-mails.

I just wanted him to verify a few facts for me, but, apparently, I guess he thinks I’m gonna do some kind of scathing expose about his movie. C’mon! Grow up.

So those, ladies and gentlemen, are:

21 Reasons Why This Movie Already Sucks.

21 opens March 28th at a theater near you.

David Letterman said farewell to George Bush by putting together the former president's, ahem, finest moments at press conferences, speeches, and other embarrassing places. I used to not be able to watch more than about 30 seconds of this man, but somehow I made it through this video because it's damn funny. If you don't feel compelled to see the whole four-minute video, then at least see the unintentionally hilarious kid at the end. Watch:

For Bamboo Nation's latest contest, I asked you to guess what my favorite piece is from J.D. Salinger's Nine Stories. Well, the story I love most has always been and always will be "For Esme—With Love and Squalor." Tales of precocious children resonate with me, especially when they're used as literary devices to push adult characters towards redemption or, at the very least, towards hope. (Perhaps that's why I adore The Fall—that should've been your greatest hint right there, longtime readers!) And, I mean, c'mon, that last line?! Blows me away.

Five people guessed correctly. So I wrote their names on strips of paper, put the papers into a plastic bag from the Thai market, and selected "JA" as the winner! Congratulations, JA! You get to go to opening night of Three Sisters this Sunday, February 1, 2009 (or some other day if you so wish). E-mail me your full name ASAP and the date you want to go, and I'll have your pair of tickets waiting for you at will call. Everybody else, you still can go to the show on your own—fork up the money, find a discount, or check out Pay What You Can Night.

Chalk Repertory Theatre and
Hollywood Forever Cemetery present

THREE SISTERS
by Anton Chekhov
U.S. Premiere of a New Version by Susan Coyne

This classic Russian story features a diverse cast starring Ricardo Antonio Chavira of Desperate Housewives, with the central family being portrayed by Asian-American actors. Free parking.

January 30, 2009-February 22, 2009

The Masonic Lodge
Hollywood Forever Cemetery
6000 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90038

For more information and tickets, visit Chalk Repertory Theatre.

Thanks for entering, everyone! More contests and prizes are forthcoming!

Just when you thought you've seen enough crassness for the day, PETA comes along and shows half-nude chicks doing interesting things to vegetables. Seriously. (Yeah, probably not safe for work.) Watch:

Just when you thought the Americans were the crassest people on the planet...



...the British had to come along and outshine everybody...



[Thanks to Patty Hose and The Bilerico Project for the video links.]

It's been more than a year since my rewriting workshop has been offered at East West Players in Los Angeles, so let's do it again shall we? The class helps deepen playwrights' understanding of their own work, and it occasionally yields great rewards—from my first (and only) rewriting class, Tim Toyama's Yuri and Malcolm X won the New York JACL/Ruby Yoshino Schaar Playwright Award, Aurelio Locsin's Helltown Buffet had its world premiere at Rude Guerrilla Theatre Company in Santa Ana, and Paul Kikuchi's Ixnay will open at EWP in February. More to come, I'm sure. Check it out:

WRITING IS REWRITING

This intensive 15-week workshop will feature lessons on different aspects of rewriting, and each playwright will have two class sessions dedicated to workshopping two different drafts of his or her play. Directed feedback sessions will help playwrights realize their own unique vision and voice. Equally important is participating in each other's feedback sessions, as all the playwrights will find common ground in the issues that concern them during the rewriting phase, and the strength of this tight-knit community of playwrights will help bring all the projects to completion--the goal being a production-ready script ready for submission to theaters. The workshop will culminate in staged readings by professional actors and directors. Enrollment is limited to 7 writers. Applicants should also note that the application process isn't necessarily an evaluation of their work, but rather of this particular instructor's ability to help improve it.

Instructor: PRINCE GOMOLVILAS
February 21, 2009–June 13, 2009
(No class May 23, and no class one other day TBA)
Days & Times: Saturdays from 10:00AM–1:00PM
Staged Readings: June 20-30, 2009
Maryknoll Japanese Catholic Center
222 S. Hewitt St., Los Angeles, CA 90012
Fee: $500 (but through Irvine Foundation underwriting, the fee will end up being comparable to previous DHHWI workshops)

Prince Gomolvilas's plays include Big Hunk o' Burnin' Love (1998, East West Players), The Theory Of Everything (2000, East West Players), and the stage adaptation of Mysterious Skin (2003, New Conservatory Theatre Center). He has received the Beverly Hills Theatre Guild/Julie Harris Playwright Award, International Herald Tribune/Singapore Repertory Theatre Playwriting Award, PEN Center USA West Literary Award for Drama, and East West Players' Made in America Award for Outstanding Artistic Achievement for the Asian Pacific Islander Community. He received his MFA in Playwriting from San Francisco State University.

Application Information

Requirements:

• You must have a completed draft of a full-length play.
• You must commit to attending all 15 sessions of the workshop and all 7 staged readings (with few, if any, exceptions).
• You must agree to read all plays off a reading list (5 max) by the first session.

Submit:

• A brief one-paragraph synopsis of your play.
• A brief explanation of why this workshop sounds right for you.
• The first 10 pages of your play.
• E-mail these items to BOTH prince@princegomolvilas.com and jliuewp@yahoo.com by Monday, February 2, 2009. Playwrights accepted into the workshop will be notified by February 11, 2009.

www.eastwestplayers.org

• Continued guiding the development process for Young Americans, the musical extravaganza that the students at Palo Alto High School are writing the text and songs for and that is going to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in Scotland in August. Which reminds me, I have to fax in a synopsis to the American High School Theatre Festival today. How does this sound:

Young Americans is an innovative new musical that explores the intersection between American teenage life and rock 'n' roll music in every decade from the 1950s to 2000s. A series of original vignettes and musical numbers—written and performed by nearly three dozen teenagers, with live instrumental accompaniment—reflect upon how rock music has shaped the identity of young people in each decade, where different generations find common ground, and what has irreversibly changed for American teens in the last half century.

Yes, I said I have to FAX it. What?! Who uses fax machines anymore?! Cavemen?! Which means I have to run to Staples today and pay for fax service. I'm invoicing Scotland for this.

• Went to O Bar in West Hollywood for the DVD release party for He Likes Guys, a compilation of shorts that includes Edward Gunawan's Laundromat, which I'm in. FYI, Edward knows a lot of hot men. Here's a blurry picture of us—the camera apparently could not handle our beauty:



One of Edward's friends (Sean) had RSVP'd the following to the party invitation:

Congrats guys! I'll be at the DVD release party - double fisting...martini's that is. xoxo

I had also RSVP'd:

Congratulations, all! Like Sean, I will also be double fisting. Unlike Sean, that is not a metaphor.

• Attended opening night of Furious Theatre Company's terrific production of Peter Nachtrieb's Hunter/Gatherers at the Pasadena Playhouse. (This was my fifth time seeing the play in some incarnation—that's dedication!) It was like old times (Loren used to be Peter's roommate in San Francisco, and I've known Peter since before Loren), what, with the double fisting and everything.

• Was interviewed by the Los Angeles Times, regarding East West Players' world premiere production of Paul Kikuchi's Ixnay (directed by Jeff Liu), which was developed over the course of two of my playwriting workshops. My goal, of course, was to sound smarter than Paul and Jeff. That was, in fact, my only goal.

This news segment is a couple years old, but I think it is sufficient ammunition to crush all you heartless bastards out there who refuse to cry at the videos I command you to cry at. An autistic kid, a basketball team, and small-town America: guaranteed tears. Watch:

Jimmy Kimmel revealed what most of us missed on Inauguration Day—the eye-popping end of Aretha Franklin's performance (and her hat). I can't embed the video, but click below to watch. And wait for it...wait for it...wait for it....



Watch the video clip.

[Thanks to Scott Heim for sending me this.]

This has been doing the rounds via e-mail, and it's pretty funny. A little girl turned in this drawing as her homework:



The mother sent a letter to the teacher to clarify:

Dear Mrs. Jones,

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

Yeah, I don't know how real this all is, but who cares—I laughed and laughed.

[Thanks to Patty Hose for sending me this.]

That title pretty much sums it up. Watch:



[Thanks to Patty Hose for sending me this.]

• Speaking of Michael Jackson's "Thriller," they're turning the classic 1982 music video into a stage musical. Before you groan, consider that this is an infinitely better idea than Star Wars: A Musical Journey.

• This guy has balls. He stole crab legs from a grocery store and later tried to return them. But police report that he had eaten all the meat and reassembled the shell, which was now empty.

• Adam Szymkowicz dispenses some terrific advice for beginning playwrights.

• And Jon Hunt ponders the awkward situations that only something like Facebook could create.

Suleman Mirza and his dance partner, Madhu Singh, who call themselves "Signature," surprised audiences with their entertaining moves that mash-up Michael Jackson and Bollywood. Alas, they didn't win the competition last year (they came in second), but here's further evidence that perhaps they were unfairly snubbed? Check them out doing an elaborately staged rendition of Thriller. Watch:

The following clip from the reality show, The Principal's Office, isn't quite as audacious as the two high school jocks who got busted for dirty dancing with their girlfriends, but it's fun nonetheless. Two guys are lectured about their habit of hugging and kissing their girlfriends, which is a no-no at school. In the principal's office, the guys don't do anything particularly outrageous—it's just their whole persona that is strikingly amusing. Watch:



[Thanks to John F. for sending me this.]

One of my favorite plays of all time is Anton Chekhov's Uncle Vanya (David Mamet's adaptation is brilliant, by the way), so I'm actually kind of excited about seeing Chalk Repertory Theatre's production of Three Sisters in Los Angeles. I'm not too familiar with this particular play, but, since Chekhov has a way with making Russian depression funny, then I'm in. (I think unsuccessful productions of Chekhov tend to take his work too seriously; I mean, the greatest humanists are often also sharp comedians.)

Well, those of you living in the Los Angeles area (or who will be visiting the Los Angeles area) have a chance to win a pair of tickets to opening night of Three Sisters on Sunday, February 1, 2009, which includes a post-show reception with food, music, and champagne—that's an $80 value! (If the winner cannot attend on that day, then he or she may choose any other performance.) Here are details about the production, which stars some guy from Desperate Housewives (I don't watch the show—I know: Bad gay! Bad gay!):

Chalk Repertory Theatre and
Hollywood Forever Cemetery present

THREE SISTERS
by Anton Chekhov
U.S. Premiere of a New Version by Susan Coyne

This classic Russian story features a diverse cast starring Ricardo Antonio Chavira of Desperate Housewives, with the central family being portrayed by Asian-American actors. Free parking.

January 30, 2009-February 22, 2009

The Masonic Lodge
Hollywood Forever Cemetery
6000 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90038

For more information and tickets, visit Chalk Repertory Theatre.

For a chance to win, all you have to do is guess what my favorite story from J.D. Salinger's Nine Stories is. (Here's a list of possible titles.) Leave your guess in the comments section. If you're not a Blogger member, you can comment anonymously and leave your name or your initials; when I announce the winner, you'll know if you won and all you have to do is e-mail me. In the event of a tie, the winner will be chosen randomly from all correct guesses. Deadline for entries is Wednesday, January 28, 2009, 11:59PM.

The winner of Bamboo Nation's latest caption contest is "2009 Edition." There were plenty of terrific entries, but the winner received 59% of the public vote and will get a "Nuns Having Fun" calendar. (E-mail me your mailing address, 2009 Edition, so I can send you your prize.) Thanks for participating, everyone! The winning caption:

What happens when a Chinese man decides to dye the fur of his dog black and white? His new companion becomes Panda Dog! Cute for the world, but humiliating for the mutt, I'm sure.

Not to fear though—according to China.org, "The dog owner has been reportedly detained 36 times to date on suspicion that he kept a panda illegally." Serves him right. Let that dog have a little dignity, would you? (By the way, where do you just up and buy a panda?!)

Dogs should live average, everyday lives and do normal things like play fetch with Matthew McConaughey. Watch:



[Thanks to The Constantly Dramatic One.]

Japanese toy company Gamu Toys has released an awesome Barack Obama action figure that's been designed to kick some serious ass. According to Gizmodo, the toy is "posable, with facial expressions, interchangeable hands, katanas, 9mm gun, assault rifle, and a lightsaber." Wait wait wait. Did they say LIGHTSABER?!



More awesome pics here.

[Thanks to Quin Browne for sending me this.]

A very professional news reporter goes ballistic when a fly dives into his mouth. Watch:



"I'm dyin' in this fuckin' country-ass, fucked-up town!" Ha ha ha ha ha!

[Thanks to Superbadfriend for sending me this.]

The Sexy People blog has been around for a while, making damn sure that the portraits of yesteryear are never forgotten. Prepare yourself to waste your time with the most unusual and sometimes horrifying pictures you have ever laid your eyes on. A few of my favorites:


Visit Sexy People.

Get out your tissues, and get ready to cry once again, folks. The following news story about the unusual friendship between an elephant and a dog at an animal sanctuary will tear you up, yo. Watch:



[Thanks to Superbadfriend for sending me this.]

Don't you love it when Diane Sawyer is up all night reporting on the Inauguration and comes across as HAMMERED OUT OF HER FREAKING MIND?! Watch:

I went to Google Maps and requested directions from my home in Glendale, California, to Tokyo, Japan. There are 57 instructions. Once I make my way up to Washington state, it tells me to do the following:

15. Kayak across the Pacific Ocean
2,756 mi
Entering Hawaii

Then, after navigating that state:

29. Kayak across the Pacific Ocean
3,879 mi
Entering Japan

[Thanks to Brent for posting this.]

In the following Skittles commercial, a white guy who's getting a suit tailored has multicultural alternative selves reflected in the three-way mirror, and the tailor starts yelling in Thai at one of the reflections, who yells back in Tagalog. Um...WHAT?! Watch:



[Thanks to Angry Asian Man for posting this.]

Have you ever wondered if it's Saturday or not? Well, a new website—http://isitsaturday.net—will tell you!

No, really, that's all the website does.

[Thanks to Alan Goy for posting this.]

A relationship expert on the news spoke about how the Obamas do a lot of fisting and how important fisting is. Um...WHAT?! Watch:



Am I just a dirty perv or is she completely clueless about modern-day sexual terminology?

[Thanks to Ken Narasaki for sending me this.]

The Japanese celebrate the DVD release of 24 the only way it should be celebrated. With a television ad containing a Jack Bauer theme song that is so over-the-top ridiculous that you will either laugh uncontrollably or stab yourself in the neck with a pen. Watch:



[Thanks to Ken Narasaki for sending me this.]

As you may know, Gabriel and Donovan have been traveling around the world since September and shooting a movie that has been described as "mumblecore meets Indiana Jones," a description that guarantees that the film will brilliantly redefine genres or be a disaster of epic proportions. I place my bets on the former because I love these guys and I have also been told that I have been granted a part in the movie, to be shot when they return. I don't know what the role is or what I have to do, but Gabriel has begun calling me "Short Round" via e-mail. Hmmmmm.

The accompanying photo is of Donovan hanging out at a Pizza Hut in Egypt. Click to enlarge—yes, those are real pyramids!!!!!

They have a website too, but I'm not going to link to it until they change that horrible title that they've given the movie. Seriously.

Krispy Kreme—the company that makes doughnuts that are probably filled with, according to Chris Rock, crack—decided to celebrate Inauguration Day by offering free doughnuts. According to its press release, the move was to honor Americans' "sense of pride and freedom of choice."

Well, The American Life League has objected to the company's use of the word "choice" and sees it as an "endorsement of abortion rights on demand." Um...WHAT?!

I object to the pro-life group's use of the word "League" in its name because "League" doesn't quite capture how whacko these people are. (Well, I guess it would if they were called "The League of Whackos.")

Read the entire article here.

Everybody knows that those vending machine games that are filled with stuffed animals that you're supposed to grab with a moving claw are a ripoff. Even children know this. This is why they sometimes eschew the formality of putting in quarters and playing and instead opt to climb into the motherfucking machine. Watch:

Just because I'm in the San Francisco Bay Area for the day doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you. The reason I'm thinking about you, of course, is because I'm thinking about Zuiikin' English, the Japanese TV show in which you learn English by way of aerobics, for use during your inevitable encounters with American robbers and during your bouts of diarrhea. This week, Japanese women who eventually marry Caucasian men that turn out to be drunken cheats learn how to deal with the consequences of their actions. Watch:

On Britain's Got Talent, training lawyer Suleman Mirza takes to the stage and does an impressive (if overdone) Michael Jackson dance. But then halfway through, something unexpected happens. Watch:

I've known about The Umbrellas Of Cherbourg for many years, but I tend to avoid foreign-language musicals because I have trouble appreciating lyrics that are not in English. For me, having to read subtitles of lyrics pretty much kills the pleasure of hearing the lyrics.

But my recent obsession with director Christophe Honoré and composer Alex Beaupain's Love Songs (Les Chansons d'amour) prompted me to give Jacques Demy's 1964 Cherbourg (music by Michel Legrand) a shot since it was a point of inspiration.

Goddamn, this movie is beautiful. The gorgeous, exaggerated colors explode off the screen and pretty much try to make love to your eyes. That sounds corny, I know, but, if you've seen the film, you know what I'm talking about.

The movie is sung all the way through and stars the lovely Catherine Deneuve and the super-hot Nino Castelnuovo (their voices are dubbed by professional singers). It's a romantic, joyous, and heartbreaking window into the impetuousness of young love, and it's a celebration of Hollywood musicals that I suspect only the French could pull off.

The following trailer doesn't quite capture the beauty of the film's recent restoration, but you get the idea. Watch:

For Bamboo Nation's latest contest, brave souls were asked to write a caption for the following photo:



I have chosen my three favorite captions/entries. And now you, dear readers, get to vote for one winner, who will receive the much-coveted "Nuns Having Fun" calendar. I have temporarily "hidden" comments on the original contest post to mask the identities of the entrants, and the handy poll below will only allow one vote per computer. Polling closes on Wednesday, January 21, 2009, 11:59PM, so vote now!

Place your bets now. Watch:

A guy made an audio recording of his friend recapping the Star Wars trilogy. Problem is that she's never seen all the movies all the way through. Watch:

There's the creep factor. Then there's the camp factor. Put those two together and stir, and you have the gayest collectibles this side of the High School Musical action figure aisle. A woman named Alesia Newman-Breen in Maryland handcrafts celebrity dolls—all of which are one of a kind, not one in a series. Too bad the Carrie doll has already been sold:



The website also boasts dolls from The Golden Girls; Hush, Hush Sweet Charlotte; and Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? I can't believe these dolls are only between $600 and $800. They are priceless!

[Thanks to Scott Heim for sending me the link.]

On a reality show called The Principal's Office, two high school boys get called into the, well, principal's office because they were dirty dancing with girls at a school function. They decide to question the principal on what kind of dancing and touching is acceptable by demonstrating...on each other—pushing the boundaries of comfort and heterosexuality. Watch:

Within hours of me posting Sharon and Fred's piss-your-pants funny video about Elliott Lester, the sublime duo have taken said video off the internet for some reason. See why you must visit Bamboo Nation repeatedly throughout the day?! You may miss something absolutely amazing!

Well, I'll keep checking to see if they put the video back up. In the meantime, let's return to the bizarre Japanese TV show, Zuiikin' English, which previously taught you how to fend off American robbers by using English phrases chanted by girls doing aerobics. The theory behind the show, I presume, is that learning English is much easier if you can connect words to specific physical activities. I don't know if this is sound science, but at least it has yielded the following clip, in which the aerobics girls teach you how to affirm your diarrhea. Um...WHAT?! Watch:

Did you happen to catch the huge article about J.D. Salinger in The New York Times a couple weeks ago? It's a great read.

I've been rather fascinated with Salinger since high school. While I skimmed through most of the books I was assigned to read (not out of a sense of anti-establishment idealism, but out of laziness), I did get through and love all of Nine Stories, his short fiction collection, and I almost got to the end of The Catcher in the Rye. (I told you I have trouble with novels, even if I love them!)

The fact that he's been in seclusion in New Hampshire since the 50s and that he's not released anything else he's written since the 60s has added to the myth, a myth so intriguing that I actually read W.P. Kinsella's novel, Shoeless Joe, from cover to cover because Salinger actually appeared as a character. It's strange, funny, and heartbreaking. (Shoeless Joe was later made into the Kevin Costner film, Field of Dreams, and the Salinger character was replaced by a fictional author played by James Earl Jones.) I also wrote a short play in college that was built around Salinger's hermit-like lifestyle.

Okay. What should I do? Read Nine Stories over again (it's been about decade, maybe more), read The Catcher in the Rye from beginning to end, or try one of his other books? (Granted, this is not a high priority—I have a about a half dozen novels written by my novelists friends in the queue. [Couldn't you all have been flash fiction writers instead?])

Read the entire article here.

Remember Sharon and Fred, who graciously offered you their movie-making services? Well, did you know that some guy named Elliott Lester actually hired them to create a video to promote his business? Yes, our beloved Sharon and Fred have pulled out all the stops, and, boy, do they deliver! Watch:



Ah, there so many inspired moments in this video, but my favorite line is, "Elliott can redefine beauty for you in his own inimitable way." And Sharon and Fred make me want to believe it!

[This post is part of a continuing series about fancy Hollywood parties that I have somehow managed to infiltrate.]

If you ever get a chance to be invited to something like the premiere and party for Showtime's United States of Tara, go. Not only will you enjoy the obvious pleasures of a screening (we saw the first three episodes of the Diablo Cody-written, Steven Spielberg-produced, strangely charming new series at the Directors Guild of America) and whiplash-inducing celebrity sightings (Toni Collette! John Corbett! Bo Derek! Sean Hayes! The Asian guy from Dexter!), but the catered food is something out of a fevered dream by way of Gordon Ramsey. I mean, I didn't even know there was such a thing as high-end, gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches. But there are. And they're so damn good that they make you want to join the Peace Corps because you feel like you have to do something for the world in order to deserve grilled cheese sandwiches such as those.

Anyway, I congratulated Diablo, thanked her for the GAY CONTENT in the show, and managed to leave without screaming at the chick from Rachel Getting Married, "Hey! You! You're Rachel Getting Married! I love you, Rachel Getting Married!"

Behold the Tara trailer. Watch:



The series premieres on Showtime this Sunday, January 18, 2009. But you can actually watch the pilot episode online right here, right now, although you'll have to wait for episode three for...

[BEGIN SPOILER ALERT.]



...the hot homophobic jock to ask the cute gay kid to take off his shirt so he can be flogged like an AIDS patient in hell for a religious Hell House event.



[END SPOILER ALERT.]

By the way, do you know how AMAZING Bo Derek looks in person?! I was like, "Damn! Do you know how AMAZING Bo Derek looks in person?!" (I tried to say it out loud and within earshot of her, but she didn't turn around.) Here she is with boy toy John Corbett at some other event:

Watch out, boy! Poppy Cat's going to scratch the fuck out of you while you're sleeping! Watch:



[Thanks to MK for sending me this.]

I think I've told you before how I can get easily overwhelmed when I'm given too many choices. For example, I have been known to spend an hour or two at my local video store, just browsing, only to go home defeated and empty-handed when I can't decide on something to watch. (No, I am not spending all that time trying to hump the hot employees; I am actually trying to find a movie.)

Then I read a really interesting article from The Washington Post. As a social experiment, writer T.M. Shine wanted to see what it would be like if he let complete strangers make all his decisions for him. First stop, Dunkin' Donuts:

"Excuse me," I said to the woman behind me one morning in the queue at Dunkin' Donuts. "I'm currently asking strangers to make all my decisions. Would you mind picking out a dozen doughnuts for me?"

"I'll order two, but then you're on your own," she said.

"Never mind."

Everyone knows the first two doughnuts are the easy ones.

"I'll do it, but you'll have to tell me what you like," a gangly woman who had overheard the previous exchange said.

"Thanks, but that kind of defeats my purpose," I responded.

"As long as you're paying," a thick-armed guy shrugged at me just as it was his turn to order.

He attacked the chore with glee. His choices were a blur of glaze and frosting. He stopped only once, looked back at me and said, "Sprinkles, two sprinkles," and they fell into the box with the majesty of a fireworks grand finale.

It was a win-win, a successful random act of indecision (RAI). And I was striking a blow for science. "Your experiment will reveal how much pleasure in a dessert comes from it simply being a dessert, rather than a dessert that you would have chosen," Plous had observed. "In many cases, the difference in benefit between two choices is smaller than we'd guess."

And that's not even counting the pleasure of not having to be the one to make the tough decisions. I couldn't wait to get home and have someone in my family make a face about the two apple crumbs -- Why'd you pick the-e-e-se? -- so I could reply quite proudly, "I didn't."

Anyway, the whole article is funny and really well-written, and culminates in a terrific last paragraph.

Read the entire article here.

Also, I just found out that T.M. Shine has a blog too.

Those Brazilians know how to get what they want. So take a few pointers here, would you?

A woman in Bolivia did not have enough money to return to her native Brazil, so she stripped naked in front of a statue of Jesus in the hope that authorities would deport her for free. Instead, she was detained for two hours and then released.

So she did the next logical thing: she stripped again! This time, she caused a traffic jam.

The Week reports, "Immigration officials drove her to the Brazilian border, and the Brazilian Consulate gave her money to catch a bus."

Mission accomplished. There's nothing a little bit of nudity can't get you. Please make a note of it.

Read more here.

The reason why The Bilerico Project deserves to win Best LGBT Blog in the 2008 Weblog Awards is because no other finalist provides as much quality original content every single day. Plus, I blog there too. Vote again now even if you've already done so, and, if you haven't, do it! You have until Tuesday, January 13, 2009:

Oh. My. God. You have to see this. We go to Japan once again, where brilliant minds have managed to put together a television program called Zuiikin' English that shows you how female Japanese tourists in the United States can fend off scary American criminals in the park with a few choice English-language sentences, which are taught to you by three women doing aerobics. Um...WHAT?! Watch:



[Thanks to Kendra for sending me this.]

Broadway has been taking a beating because of the economy, which gave Saturday Night Live the perfect opportunity to lampoon icons of musical theater. My favorite player in the pretty funny "Save Broadway" sketch is the ever-reliable Neil Patrick Harris, who delightfully caricatures "Mark" from Rent. Watch: