[Read "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 1," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 2," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 3," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 4," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 5," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 6," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 7," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 8," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 9," and "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 10."]

Diving and Disappearing
June 16, 2003

I should mention that Pork Chop has extra toes on his front paws as well, as this was confirmed by his vet, Dr. Rhee. (“Dr. Lee?” “No, Dr. Rhee!” “Dr. Lee?” “No, Dr. Rhee!”) I had gotten confused about the normal number of visible toes on cats. Yes, sometimes the Internet confuses me. Like when I type in “free porn” into Google, why does it take me to sites that make me pay to take a look? “Damn you!”

Pork Chop has taught us that he does two tricks. One involves diving and disappearing into his favorite white paper bag. The other involves fetching a feather toy in his mouth and carrying it across the room before mangling it, just like a dog. Not only is our cat a mutant, it has canine genes. Loren is going to videotape the feather-fetching bit, and I’m going to send the tape into that Funniest Animals show on Animal Planet, hosted by Mario Lopez, purrrrr. Mario also hosts kiddie Star Search or something like that, so he’s come a long way since his Saved by the Bell days.

Attention, pervs! Hot of the heels of those naked male dancers on the Swedish version of Britain's Got Talent comes a delightfully pointless video of male Swedish underwear models jumping up and down on a trampoline. Seriously. That's all there is to it. Watch:



Believe it or not, there's a five-minute version of that video here.

[Thanks to The Bilerico Project for posting this.]

I suppose I could've used the Trek Yourself application on myself, but Pork Chop deserves it more. Click on the picture to hear him speak:



I can't believe I spent time doing this.

[Read "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 1," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 2," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 3," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 4," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 5," and "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 6," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 7," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 8," and "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 9."]

So Damned Cute
June 13, 2003

Loren and I have put double-sided tape around the perimeter of areas that we don’t want Pork Chop to enter, i.e., the shoe rack, the back of our entertainment system, etc. Sticking his paw and nose on the tape a few times, he has quickly learned to stay away. I can’t say the same about Loren, who has accidentally stepped on the tape more than a dozen times, requiring him to peel his feet from the adhesive.

Pork Chop was the star of the animal clinic yesterday, wowing the reception desk and other pet owners by being so damned cute. He was there for his first general examination with Dr. Rhee.

There was a woman there whose dog was hiding under chairs. She explained, “He doesn’t like coming here, because Dr. Rhee is Korean and his last owner was Korean.” I wanted to scream, “Your dog is racist!” But I wasn’t entirely sure if dogs could be.

I was surprised to find American Idol loser Clay Aiken’s single, “Bridge Over Troubled Water/This Is the Night,” at Borders Books because I didn’t know it was out. I mean, I would’ve gotten in line on the first day had I known! Clay has a great recording voice, and the first time I saw him do the Simon & Garfunkel song I got the chills. Loren rolled his eyes at my musical purchase, but he constantly steps on double-sided tape, so like he has a right to say anything.

Loren’s been annoyed lately that I pile my papers and things on the side of his desk, but I annoy him back by whispering, “Sharing is caring,” into his ear.

This fat fat FAT cat brings new meaning to the word "grotesque." Witness it trying to clean itself, but only managing to reach the same spot over and over again. Pork Chop would be horrified. Watch:

I don't watch Lost, but I do realize how big a deal it is to be on that show because I know people who've been on it.

Josh Randall had a key role in one episode (Season 2, Episode 7: "The Other 48 Days"), and he told me he gets stopped at airports so that fanboys can school him on how he fits into the mythology of the series. (Nerds!)

Now Leslie Ishii, who writes plays in my playwriting classes, just popped up as "Lara Chang" in the episode titled "Some Like It Hoth" (Season 5, Episode 13), and will appear again in Episode 15 on May 6, 2009. It's a role that has already yielded her her own page on Lostpedia, a wiki site. (Nerds!)

She's detailing her on-the-set adventures on her new blog: check it out. (Nerds!)

[Read "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 1," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 2," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 3," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 4," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 5," and "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 6," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 7," and "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 8."]

Too Doped Up
June 10, 2003

I woke up at 4:00 a.m. this morning for no particular reason, tossed and turned for an hour, reread a couple chapters of Cats for Dummies, tossed and turned some more, and then gave in by getting up at 6 a.m., which is entirely too early for a delicate butterfly such as myself. I decided to play with Pork Chop, who was finally introduced to his new home yesterday. I was afraid he’d be too doped up from the neutering surgery and too traumatized from being separated from his brother (still up for adoption at the Pasadena SPCA) to do much of anything yesterday. But he adjusted to his new environment instantly, playing rambunctiously and eating heartily. Thank Jesus Christ (and every holy person that ever existed, including James Dean) that Pork Chop took an immediately liking to the $85 36-inch deluxe cat tree that we bought him. The top perch is his favorite sleeping spot. He likes most of his toys too, especially ones with feathers, though he’s taken serious interest in a white paper bag. Loren enjoys blowing bubbles infused with catnip, and Pork Chop enjoys popping the bubbles. But if I had to bet, I believe Loren enjoys it more and wishes the roles were reversed.

Pork Chop is a polydactyl cat, meaning he has extra toes. Cats normally have five toes on the front paws and four on the back. Pork Chop has five toes on each of his hind paws. Some history that I lifted off the Internet, care of www.messybeast.com:

Polydactyl cats are known by various names—‘mitten cats,’ ‘thumb cats,’ ‘six-finger cats,’ and ‘Hemingway cats.’ The latter is because of writer Ernest Hemingway, who made his home on the small island of Key West, Florida. He shared the island with nearly 50 cats, including a six-toed polydactyl given to him by a ship captain; the cats bred and the polydactyl trait became common. Hemingway’s colony of cats was free-breeding with the local cat population, and the ratio of polydactyl cats to normal-toed cats was about 50-50. Another story suggests that the cat given to Hemingway was a female double-pawed cat and that the polydactyl cats on the island came from 19th century ships. The high rate of polydactyl cats in Boston has also led to the nickname ‘Boston Thumb Cats.’ The nickname ‘double-pawed’ cats is a misnomer since there is a specific double paw condition. Polydactyly itself is also known as hyperdactyly or supernumary digits and occurs in many animals (including humans) as a spontaneous mutation or hereditary trait.

Our cat is a mutant! He belongs with the X-Men!

Not to be outdone by Adidas' new homoerotic marketing campaign, Nike has asked track athlete Nick Symmonds to get naked in order to sell shoes, and he thankfully obliges. This is further evidence that the world continues to bend to my will. Probably not safe for work. Watch:



[Thanks to Peter Hoh for alerting me to this.]

The winner of Bamboo Nation's latest contest is "PA," who wins two free tickets to Keith, a new show by the sketch comedy troupe, Dry Hump, at the Underground Theater in L.A. on Friday, May 1, 2009! PA, e-mail me so that I can arrange for your tickets to be at will call. You must claim your prize by April 29, 2009, or your tickets will go to someone else!

The rest of you (losers?) can still go to the show. Here are the details:

Dry Hump Presents

KEITH

featuring Jill Bartlett, Janell Cox, Frank Fowle, Mike Nelson, Dan Ramberg, Karalyn Shima, Jordan Schatz, Fred Warner, Alyssa Valentine

An all-new sketch show comprised of twisted material some guy named Keith would totally dig. And let's face it, these days, we're all a little Keith. It's a rapid-fire collection of live and video sketches, performed by comedic actors at the top of their games, exploring timeless themes and examining the human condition. With dick jokes.

Dry Hump has been packing houses and racking up page views since forming in Chicago in 2002. The group has called LA home since 2006.

April 30, 2009-May 16, 2009
Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays @ 9:00 p.m.

Tickets:
$10-$15

Underground Theater
1314 N. Wilton Place
Los Angeles, CA 90026

For more information and tickets, visit Dry Hump Comedy.

More contests to come!

I didn't invite any of my friends to accompany me to see the new Channing Tatum film, Fighting, because, when I watch porn, I like to watch it alone. Don't you?

Yes, I know that the movie is billed as an uber-masculine action flick about underground street fighting, but, for me, Channing Tatum punching things in a wife-beater is an erotic experience.

Sure, he's a great actor (perfectly charming in the very entertaining Step Up and She's the Man and compelling in Stop-Loss) and he brings a convincing mix of desperation and decency to his role as street tough Shawn MacArthur, but you can't fault me for objectifying a man who launched his career as a hot model:



He's asking for it!

Anyway, Fighting features some brutal fight scenes with true primal appeal (didn't Susan Sontag praise boxing at some point in her career?), as well as a comic and sad performance by Terrance Howard, who seems to be doing a butched-up variation of Michael Jackson's voice, playing MacArthur's de facto manager.

The filmmakers must've read my mind because the movie climaxes with a violent shirtless fight scene on a skyscraper rooftop. Aren't you fascinated by how I find joy in the little things in life? Hey, no guilt, all pleasure.

[Read "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 1," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 2," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 3," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 4," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 5," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 6.", and "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 7."]

Tipped the Scale
June 8, 2003

The SPCA's Jennifer called yesterday to report that Pork Chop has tipped the scale at two pounds! He's ready to get neutered. (They have to be two pounds in order to take the minimum amount of anesthesia required for the very brief operation, snip snip). He is scheduled to finally come home on Monday. Loren and I sunk over $85 into getting the deluxe 36" kitty suite cat tree, with two levels and cool cubby hole. We also have a slew of innovative, high-end cat toys—everything from a flashing laser ball to catnip-infused bubbles. Loren has made an effort to hide all our Trader Joe's bags because he knows Pork Chop will end up bonding with paper bags more than Petco gadgets.

Maru is back in action! After battling boxes here and here and bags here and here, the adorable fat feline now confronts one BIG box! Watch:



Those jumping-out-of-the-box shots are sublime. They're like little declarations of triumph!

More Maru.

Since Ben Lee is prone to performing such wonderful acts as caressing my shoulder and curing cancer, it's no surprise that he's generously allowed for his new album, The Rebirth of Venus, to be streamed in its entirety from now until its official release this Tuesday, April 28, 2009. Go to his MySpace page to access the 13 tracks, and see why I have been listening to it repeatedly.

If 2005's Awake Is the New Sleep (one of my favorite albums of all time) was about introspection and spiritual inquiry and 2007's Ripe was about joy and reckless abandon, then The Rebirth of Venus treads thematic middle ground, aiming for emotional uplift and delivering that in abundance. "Surrender" and "I Love Pop Music" are perfect examples of what I'm talking about, as is the album's lead track, "What's So Bad (About Feeling Good)." If the latter song doesn't inspire at least a smile, then you are probably dead and are a ghost and are walking among the living. If you're like me, you'll want to alternate between pumping your fist, shaking your booty, or singing along with no regard for the downstairs neighbors. Watch this terrific live performance:



Ben kicks off his U.S. tour on Wednesday, and I am so going (again for the fifth time!), and perhaps he'll caress my shoulder once more, despite the fact that he recently married Ione Skye, she of Say Anything fame, in a Hindu wedding in India?

[Read "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 1," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 2," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 3," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 4," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 5," and "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 6."]

Smear the Glob
June 5, 2003

On Tuesday, it was Operation Butter Up Pork Chop. Loren and I went to the SPCA and was greeted by Jennifer, the webmaster and the person fostering our kitten. I was grateful that she was so accommodating of our multiple visits. I chuckled and declared, “Do we obsess more than anyone who comes in to adopt a cat?”

Jennifer did not chuckle. Instead, she said, “Well, I think it’s nice.”

I looked at Loren and exclaimed, “That means we do!” Jennifer looked away.

I entered the adoption office, and Pork Chop walked up to me immediately. I think he recognized my glasses, which he once tried to bat off my face. Jennifer did not leave the office long enough for me to smear the glob of Blue Bonnet that was melting in my jacket pocket all over Pork Chop’s fur. No matter. He has a belly. One more week to go, and I don’t think we have to manipulate things.

A cat named Max-Arthur takes an adorable ride on a robotic Roomba Vaccum, a household machine that my Pork Chop would surely crush into a pancake. Watch:

I wrote a new post for The Bilerico Project.



Read "Thank You, Adidas, for Gifting Me Shirtless Athletes."

[Read "Levi Johnston's Family Feud, Part 1."]

Hottie Levi Johnston continues to travel the media circuit, this time showing up on CNN's Larry King Live. He doesn't say anything particularly new or interesting (except for when he declares, "I'm a gentleman, you know, and I don't kiss and tell"), but for some reason I was compelled to waste time this morning to watch the entire seven-minute clip. Could it be Levi's dreamy eyes, staring directly into my soul? Yes, Levi, you may cradle me in your arms. Watch:

Those of you living in the Los Angeles area (or who will be visiting the Los Angeles area) have a chance to win a pair of tickets to Keith, a new show by the sketch comedy troupe, Dry Hump, at the Underground Theater in L.A. on Friday, May 1, 2009! Here are details about the production:

Dry Hump Presents

KEITH

featuring Jill Bartlett, Janell Cox, Frank Fowle, Mike Nelson, Dan Ramberg, Karalyn Shima, Jordan Schatz, Fred Warner, Alyssa Valentine

An all-new sketch show comprised of twisted material some guy named Keith would totally dig. And let's face it, these days, we're all a little Keith. It's a rapid-fire collection of live and video sketches, performed by comedic actors at the top of their games, exploring timeless themes and examining the human condition. With dick jokes.

Dry Hump has been packing houses and racking up page views since forming in Chicago in 2002. The group has called LA home since 2006.

April 30, 2009-May 16, 2009
Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays @ 9:00 p.m.

Tickets:
$10-$15

Underground Theater
1314 N. Wilton Place
Los Angeles, CA 90026

For more information and tickets, visit Dry Hump Comedy.

For a chance to win, all you have to do is leave your name or initials in the comments section. One winner will be picked at random. When I announce the winner, all you have to do is e-mail me your full name and your tickets for the May 1st performance will be held at will call. Deadline for entries is Monday, April 27, 2009, 11:59PM. The winner will be announced on Tuesday, April 28, 2009—and must claim his/her prize via e-mail within 24 hours or the prize will go to someone else.

[Read "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 1," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 2," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 3," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 4," and "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 5."]

Lick It Off
May 30, 2003

Loren and I cannot wait to bring home Pork Chop, the kitten we are adopting. It has extra toes! The SPCA won't let us have the kitten until it is two pounds. But it doesn't seem to be growing very fast. So the next time I visit the SPCA, I'm going to sneak in a stick of butter. When nobody's looking, I'm going to wipe butter all over Pork Chop's fur. That way, he'll lick it off and chunk up real fast.

Here's a photo of our baby.

Knowing how to spell the name of the street you live on sure comes in handy if your wife ever gets bitten by a warthog. Please make a note of it. Listen:

By now you've seen the unintentionally hilarious "Gathering Storm" commercial that attacks same-sex marriage? Well, the good folks at Funny or Die have gathered the likes of Alicia Silverstone, Lance Bass, George Takei, and the incomparable Jane Lynch to do an intentionally hilarious parody. Watch:

Gabriel and I have a very special friendship. I exert an incredibly generous amount of effort to lavish love and attention upon him—while he carefully watches my every move, waiting for me to make even the most minor mistake, so that he can point out how wrong I am. Anyway, let's take some quick corrective measures, shall we?

I was so fascinated by the shovy-shovy train video in my post, "Public Transit in China Sucks Balls," that I failed to notice that the clip did not take place in China, but, rather, in Japan. Gabriel pointed that out in the comments section, as did The 26th and an anonymous commenter. I'm sorry, but all look same, all look same!

Gabriel then tuned yesterday's fun and light post, "I Don't Know You English With Your Complicated Names," into a treatise about transliteration. You mean, I can't go around simply declaring racism? Fine. Whatever.

Despite all this, aren't I a good friend for never pointing out when Gabriel is wrong?

GABRIEL: That's because I'm never wrong!

PRINCE: The title of your new film project sucks.

...Speaking of commenters, what the hell happened to Mike Valentino? His blog has disappeared, and he's not responding to my e-mails. Whatever happened to our special love? MIKE VALENTINO, WHERE ARE YOU?!

Attention, depressed painters who can't sell anything! Meet your greatest rival, an African elephant living in a safari park in Britain, whose brush paintings are fetching some impressive prices. Watch:



Not to poo-poo anyone's talent or anything, but don't you think those paintings are a tad—just a tad—um, well, overrated? (Don't step on me, elephant!)

[Read "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 1," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 2," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 3," and "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 4."]

Climbing Like a Monkey
May 23, 2003

Yesterday I stormed the SPCA and demanded to visit my soon-to-be-adopted kitten, Pork Chop. I had to storm because the office was very busy having a code-red computer crisis and tech people were climbing all over the place like monkeys. Then Pork Chop began climbing all over the tech people. Except he wasn’t climbing like a monkey; he was climbing like a kitten.

He’s so very sweet, and I have no doubt at all that this is the perfect cat for Loren and me, so perfect that the $199 carpeted cat tree at Petco doesn’t seem so outrageous after all. I mean, c’mon, folks, the cat tree has got several levels, swinging toys, secret tunnels, plush ramps, hiding places, trap doors, statues, fountains, a garden, a patio area, and a petting zoo. Pork Chop is worth every damn cent. Damn it.

Plus, I am in possession of Loren's Discover card. And Loren is in Florida. And he doesn't need to know. And I have no scruples. And I don't even know what "scruples" means. And all I know is that I'm going to spend this weekend "Discovering" how fun life can be.

Last week, a Mets game at Citi Field was interrupted by a crazy-ass cat running around and jumping up and down behind home plate, on opening night no less. Watch:

Fuck Susan Boyle and Shaheen Jafargholi! They may be the sudden darlings of Britain's Got Talent, but it has become abundantly clear to me that the Swedish version of the TV series (called Talang) is a far superior show—specifically because they allow a hot male naked dance troupe to not only take the stage but also to move on to the next round, despite the fact that these guys' dance is, well, frankly, kind of lame. But who cares about that tiny little detail! It's hot guys! Dancing! Naked! Knäckebröddansen, I love you! This so not safe for work. Watch:



I love that shot of the girl biting down on her hair thing. (Goddamn, what are those called?)

As you may know, my Thai name is "Khamolpat" (pronounced "KHA-MON-PAHT"). But since my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Wade, could not pronounce that, nor my nickname "Bin," she simply decided that I should be referred to as "Prince" for the rest of my life. (When strangers at parties make fun of me, I tell them "Prince" is my "slave name." That shuts them up.)

So it's a bit disconcerting to hear that three decades later this kind of shit is still going on. Surely by now you've heard about the Texas lawmaker who proposed this solution to Chinese Americans being turned away at the polls?:

Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese—I understand it's a rather difficult language—do you think that it would behoove you and your citizens to adopt a name that we could deal with more readily here?

No, no, I'm not making that up. You can read more about it here and even watch a video clip of the exchange on YouTube here.

All this background, though, really is just to set up the following brilliant video, a comedy sketch from the BBC show, Goodness Gracious Me. Watch:



[Thanks to Angry Asian Man for posting the video.]

What happens when you get laid off, start "working from home," and end up suffering from severe cabin fever? Well, if you're Will, you take a brisk stroll to the cafe that's right around the corner from your apartment so that you can sing an a capella version of "Sixteen Tons" at an open mike night.

Um...what the fuck?!

Most people just masturbate all day, but Will decided to do something out of character, bizarre, and potentially disastrous.

I so had to be there.

While waiting for Will's big moment, Jake and I suffered through two hours of painful vagina music and witnessed two girls mercilessly butchering a Wilco song like a barbecued duck in Chinatown. By the way, the term "vagina music" is not misogynistic because men sing vagina music too and they were out in full force last night, belting almost-in-key tunes about girls they never laid. Can you just picture my ears bleeding?

Will must have endeared himself to me in some big way in the past because was it not on this very blog that I have stated—twice!—that "all open mikes are shitty"? Why would I go? WHY?!

I count two saving graces from last night's open mike.

First, Will's charmingly out-of-place performance was sweet relief from the whiny line-up. Let's all agree to get him out of the house more, so that he no longer has to resort to drastic measures. And the next time you see him, ask him to sing you "Sixteen Tons" so that he can satisfy his apparent public performance needs.

Second, I should be fair and mention that there were a couple of decent singer-songwriters, and one that was clearly out of his element in that he was fucking awesome!

Jamie Chura has a great voice, terrific stage presence, and unassuming self-confidence that totally eclipsed all the other performers in the room. And his songs are pretty damn good too.

The only reason I could think of to explain why he of all people was peddling his musical wares at an open mike is because he probably got laid off, started "working from home," and ended suffering from severe cabin fever too.

My advice? The go-to "masturbate all day" is my first choice; barring that, write more songs.

Visit Jamie Chura's MySpace page.

Watch and listen to how fantastic he is!:

[Read "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 1," "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 2," and "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 3." ]

Rub His Fingers Raw
May 18, 2003

Before heading out to Las Vegas in our rental car (a brand new Chevy Cavalier), Loren and I had just enough time to visit the SPCA, so that I could introduce him to the adorable gray kitten that we will be adopting. After I forced Loren to rub his fingers raw with hand sanitizer, we visited our gray kitten, which we have decided to name “Pork Chop.” (The day before, when Ken asked the gender of the kitten, I told him it was a male, and Ken mumbled, “Figures.”)

Loren took a liking to Pork Chop immediately. Out of the four kittens there, our kitty definitely had the most awesome personality. When you initiate and engage Pork Chop, he will play with you gleefully and he’s quite affectionate. When you leave him alone, he leaves you alone and is just fine doing his own thing. A perfect balance. Two of the other kittens meow like crazy and climb all over you. It’s very cute and irresistible. But I told Loren that it’s cute for about ten minutes at the SPCA, but you don’t want a cat like that following you around the house, being all high maintenance and shit, 24 hours a day. And you don't want a cat that's skittish and afraid of everyone either. You want a cat like Pork Chop, who is very sweet. You can just tell that it’s not evil or mischievous. It’s just a good-natured kitten with a big heart, and can you tell I am so in love?

The "hunks" in this classic video teach women how to get in touch with their bodies. ("Together, we're going to give your body all the love and attention it deserves.") Oh. My. God. Can I please coin the phrase "hunkfail?" And does that one guy keep winking at me—or does he just have a nervous tic? This is actually safe for work (unless super gay things make your eyes burn). Watch:



[Thanks to Steve G. for sending me this.]

The audition episodes of Britain's Got Talent continue, and, while this past Saturday didn't spawn more Susan Boyles to make people bawl, the audition of a 12-year-old fatherless boy is sure to tug at least at a few heartstrings. Shaheen Jafargholi takes the stage, and, after mere seconds of trying to pound out an Amy Winehouse song, Simon Cowell stops him and asks if Shaheen could sing something else. The boy then proceeds to belt out an impressive rendition of Michael Jackson's "Who's Loving You," bringing the audience and the judges—even Simon—to their feet. Watch:



[Thanks to Brent for alerting me to this.]

I know that you were waiting all weekend to hear what I had to say about 17 Again. After all, my unholy obsession with Zac Efron combined with the fact that the film grossed 24.1 million unholy dollars over the past three days exponentially increased the odds that I would have seen the movie by now and would be writing an unholy blog post about it.

But, alas, this post shall be designated a post of disappointment because I didn't make it out to my local cinema at all this weekend. Frankly, the trailer for 17 Again looks iffy, and I cannot let anything—anything—soil my untarnished opinion of Zefron. Going to see this flick is too risky a proposition—that is, until I hear from you, dear readers.

What have you heard about the film? Did you see it yourself? But, most importantly, how many shirtless shots are there? How naked does he get? Is there any good spank material in there somewhere? I mean, is there anything in it that rivals Zefron's near-pornographic musical number, "Scream," from High School Musical 3, in which he writhes on the floor in a tank top, pulls angrily at his clothing, crawls sexily up a staircase, and does a pole dance with ropes? Watch:



Oh, yeah, and it's raining balls!

[Read "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 1" and "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 2."]

Let's return to the archives for the next chapter in this exciting superhero saga.

~~~~~

So F-ing Adorable
May 16, 2003

Yesterday, after having lunch with Brent and Ken, who said I smelled like fabric softener (I’d better go easy on the Febreze), I swung by the SPCA to fill out the pet adoption form in order to be first in line for the aforementioned gray kitten, who is actually looking pretty healthy and well. The lady told me that it was doing the best out of the three kittens that Robert rescued. The gray kitten is so F-ing adorable, I can’t stand it.

Since Loren wouldn’t let me name the kitty “Mister” or “Gray Kitty” and since I wouldn’t let Loren name it “Treasure Cat” or “Fucko,” we contemplated mutually liked names such as “Brando,” “Jesus,” and “Sah-Shu-Bao,” which means Steamed Pork Bun in Chinese. At night, we both finally agreed on a name. It’s a name that both of us love, and I will reveal it in an upcoming journal entry.

Dirty kitties need baths! Watch:

I'm sure most of you have laughed inappropriately in certain awkward situations, but the news anchor in the following video clip throws all sense of decorum out the fucking window. She uses her report on a grisly murder as the perfect opportunity to laugh uncontrollably, and, goddamn, she cannot stop. Watch:



[Thanks to Scott Heim for sending me this.]

[Read "Pork Chop's Origin Story, Part 1."]

Every superhero has an origin story, and I got such great feedback on Pork Chop's genesis that I decided to dig into the archives to bring you the next part of the story. Enjoy.

~~~~~

His Favorite Spot
May 14, 2003

The kitten saga continues. Robert contacted the woman who is fostering the gray kitten at the SPCA about how I was really interested in adopting it. She e-mailed him back. This is what she has to say about the three kittens that he rescued:

I do have some sad news. We're having a tough battle with these little ones—the orange one, which I had named Leo, was doing too poorly and had to be put to sleep on Saturday. You might have noticed his eyes were crusting more than the others, and it only took a day for it to advance into full blown Upper Respiratory Infection. The others are hanging in there—Aries (the gray) is doing the best, with Gemini (the black and white) still getting sub-q fluids every day, along with being syringe/bottle fed four times a day. Unfortunately, when kittens are this young, they may have not had the chance to get enough immunity from their mother's milk. We feed them milk replacement (KMR), along with high calorie kitten food (A/D), and a glucose/nutrient supplement (Nutrical), which is all you can do, but sometimes that is just not enough. Right now Gemini is sleeping inside my sweater (his favorite spot), and Aries is curled up with one of the other two fosters (who were just that much older and stronger, and are doing very well) in their fuzzy nest by my feet. It would be wonderful if Prince is interested in adopting either kitten—or both would be extra wonderful! It would be best if he could come in as soon as possible, to fill out our adoption form, then I could put him first in line if/when the kittens become ready for adoption. It’s great when someone wants to adopt them and they don't have to go down into the cat ward (avoids them being exposed to more potential illness/fleas down there) and they can get adopted right out of my office! If he'd like to give me a call, I can tell him my hours and he can do the counseling with me.

Robert e-mailing me this is another example of him being evil! How could he send me an e-mail that basically tells me that my cat might die?!

I’ll try posting a photo of the gray kitten later this week. Hopefully, it will still be alive.

What do you do when you have a math emergency? Call 9-1-1 of course! Listen to this boy plead with the dispatcher for help with his subtraction problems. It starts out a bit too precious for my tastes, but then the mother enters the room and loses her shit. Listen:



[Thanks to Superbadfriend for sending me this.]

Today, Pork Chop is celebrating his sixth birthday—he was born on tax day (approximately). And I thought it would be good to look back at an old post to see how our love story all began....

~~~~~

Fostered and Adopted
May 12, 2003

Robert is evil. Several weeks ago he rescued kittens—one black and white, one gray, and one orange. The first two had extra toes. He took them to the SPCA to be fostered and adopted.

Backstory: When I was a kid (I can’t remember my exact age), our next door neighbor had a gray cat that I called Gray Kitty. (I was a very imaginative child.) Gray kitty was a small cat with extra toes. It basically looked like it had thumbs. As the cat grew older, it never grew. I was like a dwarf cat, if there is such a thing. A dwarf cat with thumbs.

Gray Kitty always snuck into our garage to eat the food of my two cats. So my sister and I would always chase it away. But Gray Kitty kept coming back. On those occasions when my sister and I were able to catch Gray Kitty, we would be very mean to it—shaking it hard, poking its forehead, and choking it with its collar. It got so bad that I think at one point we temporarily damaged Gray Kitty’s vocal chords, because its usually pathetic meowing transformed into something weaker and sad. (Its vocal chords healed in time.)

Despite all this cruelty that we inflicted upon it, Gray Kitty kept returning to our house. After a while we realized that Gray Kitty liked the attention—no matter how abusive we may have been. I suppose the next door neighbor lady wasn’t particular affectionate with it, and the neighbor lady’s bastard son actually humiliated the cat by dressing it up and such. So me and my sister’s puerile abuse became a sick source of comfort for Gray Kitty.

We grew to love Gray Kitty as our own, lavishing it with love in an attempt to repent for our evil ways. We were children. We didn’t know better. And we hoped to be forgiven. And we were. Gray Kitty adopted us as its own.

One night, because it was cold outside, Gray Kitty had snuck into the backseat of my mother’s car without anyone knowing. The following morning, my mom drove to work. Halfway there, she was startled when Gray Kitty jumped onto the passenger seat. My mother panicked and screamed, and Gray Kitty jumped out the window, running off into some random backyard. My mother called for Gray Kitty to come back. No such luck. It wasn’t going to be that easy.

Because her after-work attempt to find Gray Kitty failed, my mom broke the news to my sister and me. We were devastated. On occasion, my mom drove out to the same spot where Gray Kitty jumped out and called after it. Gray Kitty never appeared. My mom felt guilty for a very long time (which we used as leverage to get her to buy us things), and my sister and I felt we were being punished for all the cruel things we had done to Gray Kitty in the past. We didn’t put up signs or anything—technically, the cat wasn’t even ours. And our neighbor lady didn’t bother to care that her cat was missing.

Several months later, I was playing in the driveway when, in the distance, a small figure appeared. As it got closer, I realized it was Gray Kitty. It looked a bit battered and weary, but it was intact. Somehow it had found its way back. We were happy to see each other, and my sister and I lavished even more love and attention on Gray Kitty. For several years, it was owner-pet bliss.

However, one day Gray Kitty disappeared. Days passed. Weeks passed. Months passed. Years passed. No sign of Gray Kitty. And it never turned up again. Ever. I can only assume it died somewhere. But it lives on in my memory.

Which brings us back to the present day. Loren and I have been discussing getting a cat. Robert knew this. So he called almost immediately after he rescued those kittens. He told me that two of them had extra toes. I screamed, “Oh my God, is one of those extra-toed kittens gray?!?!?!?!?!?!” He replied, “Yes.” And I knew I had to have it.

However, I was in San Francisco at the time, and we weren’t really ready to take in a pet, especially one so young. So, as a temporary solution, Robert took the kittens to the SPCA. Those kittens will not be available for adoption until they are fostered for five weeks. I asked Robert to contact the woman who is fostering them to see if we could have first dibs on the gray kitten, though the SPCA said that it might not work out that way for some reason. (You can’t really “reserve” a pet.)

And here is why Robert is evil. He keeps sending me pictures of the gray cat and showing me footage that he videotaped. It is the cutest cat in the world. THE WORLD. And because there is the possibility that we might not get this cat, it is cruel and unusual for Robert to be torturing me like this. If we’re unable to adopt this one, I will cry. I’m crying already. Because I feel this cat belongs to me. Can’t you see?! It’s Gray Kitty reincarnated! There is enough love in my heart. There is.

The following video is inexplicably sublime. Don't try to analyze it. Just watch the makeover magic happen right before your very eyes. "Before.... And after.... Before.... And after." You'll be repeating those words all day. Watch:



No, your eyes do not deceive you. Some of those lovely ladies turn out more horrifying than they were before.

[Thanks to Gabriel Fleming for sending me this.]

When I saw the artwork for the flyers that are being put up around the Occidental College campus, I had to laugh. Mad props to James C. (Am I the fat panda confused by the long rainbow bamboo stick?) Click to enlarge:



While Barack Obama famously began his college career at Occidental, I am more impressed by the fact that shirtless jocks swarm the campus like American Eagle runway models, as I learned when I paid a visit a couple of weeks ago to make technical demands. ("I want a helicopter!" "No.") This is a good school.

Jesus Christ. All I wanted to do was post that initial Amazon story and run. But then the company released a statement that I would've been remiss not to report on. And now there are reports of a hacker conspiracy.

A well-known hacker has come forward and claimed the whole thing was his prank.

The hacker, known as Weev, with whom we've had dealings before the "amazonfail" episode, is saying that the whole escapade was the result of his exploitation of a vulnerability in Amazon's product-rating tools.

Read more here.

All right. You have to follow the rest of this story on your own. I'm not a fucking news organization! I post videos of frightened children!

When Susan Boyle stepped onto stage on Britian's Got Talent, she was met with laughter and condescension from the audience and with growling sneers from the judges. After all, this never-been-kissed kook who live alone with her cat claimed to be 47 but looked like an old granny. Her creepy attempt at gyrating her hips didn't help matters. And when she revealed her dream to make it as a singer, you couldn't help but feel sorry for her and her delusions of grandeur. And don't get me started about that crazy-ass hair. But then she started singing...and blew everyone the fuck away. You just might tear up at this. Watch:



[Thanks to Joe B. for sending me this.]

I got a couple e-mails today, explaining that the gay controversy at Amazon has reportedly been resolved. According to the San Francisco Chronicle:

"There was a glitch in our systems and it's being fixed," Amazon's director of corporate communications, Patty Smith, said in an e-mail Sunday.

And that's pretty much the extent of the "resolution."

Well okay then. That doesn't sound fishy.

Read the entire article here.

Amazon, everybody's favorite online bookseller, has just implemented a policy that removes so-called "adult" books from its rankings and search results, making them harder to find. The problem? Totally legitimate books with gay themes—including a serious nonfiction book examining the U.S. military's policy on gays—have been targeted.

This really sucks because, when I do a search for "Brazilian soccer team locker room photo book," nothing good shows up. I bet they're hiding something from me.

Read more about this here.

Sign the petition here.

[Thanks to Gabriel Fleming and Scott Heim for alerting me to this.]

Sometimes kids are terrified by puppet shows so much that they scream, jump up and down, and beat themselves over the head with a stool. Watch:



[Thanks to Scott Heim for sending me this.]

If you haven't already seen the trailer for Spike Jonze's film adaptation of Maurice Sendak's Where the Wild Things Are, you must see it now. The movie looks incredible.... And since that's out of the way, you can now view this brilliant parody that imagines what it would be like if Jonze also brought the children's classic, Everyone Poops, to the big screen. Watch:

Funny? Tired? Hot? You decide. Watch:



[Thanks to The Bilerico Project for posting this.]

I have friends in various cities who casually mention that I should bring one of my shows to those respective cities. But without an accurate assessment of demand, I run the risk of performing to near-empty houses, the thought of which makes me want to punch myself in the stomach.

So if you look in the right-hand column of this blog (those of you who read Bamboo Nation in a reader or via e-mail should go directly to the site), you can voice your "demand" for one of my live shows. This will help me keep track.

Exactly what live shows may potentially end up in your town? I'm not going to tell you! Don't you like surprises?!

Since breaking up with the Palin family, hottie Levi Johnston is doing the rounds in the media, in order to tell his side of the story. I think he first appeared on the Tyra Banks show, and he just popped up on CBS's Early Show, where he calls Sarah Palin a liar, in his slow, sexy drawl. Watch:



Did you hear that? He's considering modeling and acting! Levi, come over to my house so I can audition you! Please?!

Kal Penn, star of the pot-friendly Harold & Kumar franchise, is now working for Barack Obama! From Bloomberg.com:

Actor Kal Penn is taking a job in the Obama administration as a liaison to Asian-American groups, a White House spokesman said.

The Hollywood star, who appeared in Fox TV’s drama “House” and several movies, is joining the White House Office of Public Liaison as a link to Asian-American and Pacific- Islander communities, spokesman Shin Inouye said....

Penn campaigned for Barack Obama and “got to know the president, the staff,” and indicated an interest in joining the administration, Inouye said in a telephone interview today.

Penn, 31, campaigned for Obama mostly on college campuses. In 2008 the actor, who starred in the movie “The Namesake,” taught a course at the University of Pennsylvania on Asian studies, Inouye said. Penn’s parents emigrated from India.

“It’s not like I’m retiring from acting. I certainly intend to come back at some point,” Penn said, according to the BBC. He said he felt a calling to public service.

The apocalypse is guaranteed now, and I love it!

Read the entire article here.

[Thanks to Paul E. for alerting me to this.]

What if Zac Efron had a pool party (with celebrity guests such as Vanessa Anne Hudgens, Justin Long, Queen Latifah, and Lance Bass) that got disrupted by his white-trash relatives? Well, wonder no more! Reno 9-1-1's Tom Lennon is hysterical as Uncle Hank, who's completely out of his element but throws himself into it with wild, crude abandon. Watch:

I apologize in advance for bringing to your attention a new law that was just passed in Oregon. Yes, it involves semen.

Read "House Passes Bill Too Gross to Talk About."

You know the apocalypse that's supposed to wipe out the human race? Well, it's closer now than it has ever been. Evidence? Hot off the heels of Iowa's decision to allow same-sex marriage, Vermont now makes super-gay headlines today. According to Reuters:

Vermont legalized gay marriage on Tuesday after lawmakers overrode a veto from the governor by a wafer-thin margin, making the New England state the fourth in the United States where gays can wed.

The vote, nine years after Vermont was first in the United States to adopt a same-sex civil-union law, also makes the tiny state of 624,000 people the first in the nation to introduce gay marriage through legislative action instead of the courts.

Read the entire article here.

By the way, following up on my post, "The Bachelor, Bamboo Nation Style," my dear readers have chosen this hot bachelor (with 37% of the vote, as of this writing) to be my Iowa mate (I need one in every state!):



Of course you all chose the guy who was the most naked. Dirty pervs!

But now that we're talking about Vermont, I did some research online to see what that state has to offer, and Cosmopolitan insists that this dude is Vermont's hottest bachelor:



Um...I'll take two please!

Here's his profile. Seriously:

Occupation: Engineer
In the words of the female friend who nominated him: "Chris has huge charm and an unforgettable smile."
Three must-haves: "Cars, motorcycles, and airplanes"
Family guy: "A friend once told me that I'd be a good father. That meant a lot."
Fave female body part: "Her butt."
Ideal first date: "Going for a ride on my motorcycle. The faster I go, the tighter she hangs on."
His sweet spots: "My nipples"
Hottest girl getup: "Black lingerie"
What confuses him about women: "Why girls tend to gossip and spend so much time talking about other people!"
Can a guy and a girl just be friends? "Only if they're both in relationships!"

I would like to get to know his "huge charm."

On Monday, Trekkies gathered to see a screening of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan at Fantastic Fest in Austin. A few minutes into the movie, the film appeared to have burned up in the projector. As staffers reportedly rushed to fix the problem, Leonard Nimoy made a surprise appearance and made a thrilling announcement that caused audience members to collectively lose control of their bowels. (Figuratively, of course.) Watch:



Man, I'm not fan, but I would've lost my shit too.

From the Onion News Network comes this story of an African-American man who is finally free after being wrongly convicted for murder. Watch:



I love that photograph of Janet Kelley with the bear cubs in the background.