One was great; two was good; three was bad; and this one sucked.

Look, it doesn't take a lot for me to like a movie that I see in 3-D—just throw shit at me, and I'll have fun. For example, My Bloody Valentine 3D was kind of lame, but I had a blast; and Journey to the Center of Earth 3D was also kind of lame, but I was wowed. (Read "Journey to the Center of My Lust for Brendan Fraser.")

The Final DUH-stination in 3-DUH is kind of lame too, but that third dimension did nothing to get me from soft to hard. Stroke faster next time, people!

What's most amusing about this video is not the fact that a chimp washes a bear, but that neither the chimp nor the bear maul the people who made this video. Fortunately, however, we do get some catharsis when the chimp sprays his man-friend in the face. (With a hose, people! With a hose! Get your minds outta the gutter.) Watch:

Few of you know that Prince and I have a long and close friendship that extends beyond the blogosphere. A couple nights ago, in fact, Prince called me on the phone, and we talked for the better part of an hour. Most of the time we just swap recipes or talk shit about Soleil McNeill, but that night he was so excited that all of the domestic jibber-jabber went by the wayside. The cause for such excitement? Disneyland!

Disneyland, bitches!

If you're so dumb you don't know how to pet a cat, fear not! Petting is passé, people! Your cat wants a massage! (Right, Pork Chop?) This highly enlightening instructional video includes numerous mind-blowing tips such as: "If you're right-handed, use your right hand. Left-handers, use left. Or, if you're right-handed, try using your left, and vice versa." Of course, there's also plenty of innuendo for anyone bold enough to read between the lines: "Remember, you can't fool drool! Mmmm!!!" And: "You don't need a swimming pool for this breast-stroking!" Don't worry, it gets worse. At 2:30, she grabs the cat's tail like it's a...you know what...oh, God, just WATCH:

If you're like me, when you saw the commercials and print ads for Bandslam, you thought it was going to be a D-list High School Musical 4 and you were certain that you would never ever see that film in this or any other lifetime. In fact, if somebody said that you would either have to see Bandslam or die, you would probably choose death.

But then Deadline Hollywood Daily ran a fascinating expose about the film's horrible marketing campaign after the movie tanked its first weekend out of the gate. Here's a film that received an 89% approval rating from top critics on Rotten Tomatoes, that was being compared to the finest work of John Hughes and Cameron Crowe, that was hailed for its hip, edgy take on the teen genre, and that was directed by Todd Graff, who helmed the hilarious cult classic, Camp.

However, simply because HSM's Vanessa Hudgens was in it, the studio did try to sell it as D-list High School Musical 4, and it died.

I really really really want to see this movie now.

Read "Behind-The-Scenes Of Bandslam & Summit" for the whole juicy story.

After my request for you to help fund a DonorsChoose.org project that would allow low-income students in Chicago to go to the symphony, at least a couple of you pitched in, and you deserve an appreciative spank on the ass (if you're into that sort of thing).

In yet another bizarre American Idol-sized twist of fate, the remaining funds were provided once again by fans of Adam Lambert! If you remember, another project that I was also the first to contribute to was later fully funded by Adam Lambert's minions. Man, do we homos have to do everything?!

Anyway, here's the project page in case you're curious (or bi-curious—but then again who isn't?).

If I were to ejaculate into a plastic party goblet, I would imagine that the sperm swimming around in there would each have a striking resemblance to Michael Phelps in this brazen Speedo commercial. And that is the very reason why I shall continue to take my daily multi-vitamin. Watch:



[Michael DeAntonio also blogs at Mike the Bull.]

I love Quentin Tarantino. He gets away with revisionist history by making Inglourious Basterds (even the misspelled title is revisionist) an epic, delightfully indulgent Jews-vs.-Nazis revenge fantasy with no basis in fact. But most war films—in fact, most historical dramas—play fast and loose with the facts. By creating something so outrageously removed from reality (events that never happened, caricatures galore), isn't Tarantino's film actually more upfront and honest about its approach to world history?

Anyway, you probably already know the story—a ridiculously amusing Brad Pitt leads a crew of blood-hungry Jewish Americans on the hunt for Nazi scalps in WWII France, while a sexy Jewish cinema owner plots to massacre a theater full of high-powered Nazis—so I won't say much more about it other than I loved it, even though not all of you might. (But I bet you'll agree that the "Jew Hunter" played by Austrian actor Christoph Waltz, who won the Best Actor prize at Cannes, is a darkly funny, absurd, creepy, scary creation.)

Your appreciation of the film, I suppose, depends on whether or not, after all these years, you still buy into Tarantino's usual (and unique) rhythms as a filmmaker: long, tense scenes of sometimes brilliant dialogue followed by bursts of action and violence; repeat formula. (After re-reading that last sentence, I realize how reductive that might sound. But make no mistake—Tarantino's talent for craft and structure has few rivals.)



Incidentally, here is how I rank Tarantino's oeuvre:

1. Jackie Brown
2. Kill Bill: Vol. 1
3. Death Proof
4. Inglourious Basterds
5. Reservoir Dogs
6. Pulp Fiction
7. Kill Bill: Vol. 2

I know, I know, Pulp Fiction is near the bottom of the list! But read about how much I love Jackie Brown.

What about you?

Is this motorcyclist a multitasker extraordinaire or a dangerous sociopath? The dudes with the camera certainly think it's hilarious. You be the judge! Watch:

Hi, folks, because I like having my fingers in things, I have been fiddling around with my blog template and will continue to do so over the next few days. Would you please report any irregularities, particularly with videos and commenting? Let me know what browser you're using and what seems to be the problem. Thanks!

Since free stuff gives you wood, it's time for another fabulous contest!

THE PRIZE: A brand new copy of You Can Never Find a Rickshaw When It Monsoons: The World on One Cartoon a Day. "On June 1, 1990, less than a week after graduating from college, Mo Willems embarked on a year-long trip around the world. Travelling only with a notebook, pen and ink, and one change of clothes, he spent the next 12 months backpacking across more than 30 countries. At the end of each day, he drew the one event that stuck out in his mind the most–from the sublime to the ridiculous. Recently annotated by the illustrator and featuring a foreword from bestselling humor writer Dave Barry, You Can Never Find a Rickshaw When It Monsoons is a unique snapshot of an artist's coming-of-age as he tries to understand the world around him."

THE RULES: Leave a comment—any comment—by Monday, August 31, 2009, 11:59 p.m. If you don't have an ID you can sign in with, you can comment anonymously and leave your name or your initials; when I announce the winner, you'll know if you won and all you have to do is e-mail me to claim your prize. One winner will be chosen at random. Anyone in the world can enter, even those people who have won before.

More free stuff! Yay!

Having never seen the movie, I take this less as an homage to American Psycho and more as a testament to how frighteningly insane Miles Fisher is. I love the use of confetti towards the end. Oh, and this is probably not safe for work. Watch:



[Michael DeAntonio also blogs at Mike the Bull.]

[Thanks to Jake Bradbury .]

The winner of Bamboo Nation's latest contest is "John." I put all the entrants' names in a big envelope, and Loren, who was in close proximity, selected the lucky recipient. John wins a copy of The Smoking Gun: A Dossier of Secret, Surprising, and Salacious Documents, which he will no doubt spank to. Congratulations! John, e-mail me your mailing address to receive your prize.

More contests to come! Are you excited?!

In their latest video contest entry, Jake and Will ably pay homage to old kung fu movies. The technical aspects and the fight sequence in this commercial are pulled off with flair, but were Jake and Will even born yet when these films were popular? Or were they still disgusting fetuses yet to emerge into the world? Watch:

I keep Pork Chop's big container of catnip on a high shelf, so it is safe from his addicted little paws, and I can ration it out to him according to my own specifications. But I woke up Saturday to this:



Apparently, some time during the night, he had jumped onto my office chair, leaped onto my desk, stretched over to the shelving unit, batted the catnip container onto the floor, jumped back down, wrestled the top off the container, and proceeded to get so stoned that he didn't even know where he was. (I asked.)

It's been two days now, and I have not cleaned up the pile of catnip. I figure, he earned it!

If you have any experience whatsoever with "l'amour," you will quickly recognize the painful (and oh-so-funny!) truth of the following video. Watch:

For my first extended commentary, Prince has asked me a question that delves deep into the personal and private side of my outspoken nature: "If you were forced to have sex with one man, who would it be?"

PRINCE GOMOLVILAS: Have you ever seen a celebrity or someone else, where you thought, "Okay, if I HAD to suck a cock, it would be his?" Don't say no because I'll know you're lying. Pick a cock, any cock.

MIKE VALENTINO: Bekki actually posed this question to me and a friend a few months back. The friend said Bob Dylan. I said a young Elvis. I respect Dylan tremendously, but sleep with him...? Elvis was a stud.

[Michael DeAntonio also blogs at Mike the Bull.]

I love a good water slide—don't get me wrong. The following "biggest water slide ever" would be a lot more awesome, however, if it weren't a viral video from Microsoft Germany that fakes the jump. I say you go out and fake your own water slide with a big block of ice and a steep hill. I'm not kidding. It's called ice blocking. Just be careful, and don't be texting while you do it! Watch:



[Thanks to Alan Goy at Experiment Farm.]

I had my first faculty meeting at USC today, and I've already been roped into committees and such, which I hope means we meet every few weeks and eat bagels. But if we end up having to do stuff and things, I guess I'm game. After all, do you know how important stuff and things are? Stuff and things are an integral part of so much. Stuff and things must be done!

Look at all the talented people I met! It's a pretty impressive line-up of working writers who are teaching in the program, so I feel like I'm in good company—although, whenever I join a new institution, I always choose one person to be my archnemesis. (Don't you?)

Who shall it be this time? God, I have so much work to do before classes begin.

And, as is apropos of this blog, I would mention the, ahem, "scenery," but that would be inappropriate! I am now a respectable member of society!

If the Riddler from the Batman series ever made a porno video, I'm pretty sure it would look like this. Instead of questions, though, he would probably have riddles. For those of you actually looking for pornography where riddles and questions entangle in the warm embrace of love, I'm sorry. But for everyone else, the amount of question marks is super impressive. Watch:



[Michael DeAntonio also blogs at Mike the Bull.]

[Thanks to Superbadfriend.]

We haven't had a contest here in a little while, have we? I was looking back at Bamboo Nation's history of contests and was struck by how much great stuff has been given away to readers just like you! This blog's generosity knows no bounds! One of these days: hookers! But, presently, look at what people have won in the past:

• Theater Tickets to Keith, Retail Value: $30
• One Pound of See's Candies, Retail Value : $16
• Theater Tickets to Letters to a Student Revolutionary, Retail Value: $42
• Theater Tickets to Modern Love, Retail Value $40
• Theater Tickets to Three Sisters, Retail Value: $80
• Nuns Having Fun Calendar: Retail Value, $12
• A Copy of The Geography of Thought, Retail Value: $15
• Theater Tickets to 99 Cent Only Calendar Girl Competition, Retail Value: $50
• Second Pair of Theater Tickets to 99 Cent Only Calendar Girl Competition, Retail Value: $50
• Magazine Subscription, Retail Value: $15
• Second Magazine Subscription, Retail Value: $15
• Amazon Gift Certificate, Retail Value: $50
• Second Amazon Gift Certificate, Retail Value: $25
• Third Amazon Gift Certificate, Retail Value: $15
• Fourth Amazon Gift Certificate, Retail Value: $10
• A Copy of Cosmo's Aqua Kama Sutra, Retail Value: $10
• Pop-Up Ancient Egypt Calendar, Retail Value: $10
• Third Magazine Subscription, Retail Value: $15
• Wired Magazine Subscription, Retail Value: $10

Well, it's time to do it again!

THE PRIZE: A copy of The Smoking Gun: A Dossier of Secret, Surprising, and Salacious Documents. "From the creators of the highly popular website, The Smoking Gun, a wildly entertaining collection of previously unpublished documents (court transcripts, FBI files, morgue and police reports, etc.) that hilariously illuminate some of the most important, scandalous, or bizarre news stories of recent years."

THE RULES: Leave a comment—any comment—by Monday, August 24, 2009, 11:59 p.m. If you don't have an ID you can sign in with, you can comment anonymously and leave your name or your initials; when I announce the winner, you'll know if you won and all you have to do is e-mail me to claim your prize. I'll put all the names in a bowl or something, and one winner will be chosen at random. Anyone in the world can enter, even those people who have won before.

Free stuff! Yay!

After fare like Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, you may very well have sworn off going to the movies for the rest of the summer so that you could make your own film titled Hollywood: Fuck You, but, holy crap, people, go see District 9! You've heard the hype, and you've heard even more hype, and I'm here to tell you that it's all true.

The fact that this scrappy (a $30 million budget is scrappy by Hollywood standards) indie sci-fi movie involves creepy-looking alien visitors getting wrangled up and placed in camps by the government in Johannesburg, South Africa—a place well-known for its history of apartheid—gives me enough fodder to yap for days about District 9's clever, surprisingly restrained social and political implications.

But all that is way too heady for this blog. Let me just point out that there is some serious ass-kicking in this movie (it manages to pay homage to and trump Sigourney Weaver's anthropomorphic-forklift fight in Aliens), and it contains perhaps the best special effects I have ever seen. I couldn't believe that what I was seeing wasn't real, it was so real.

Neill Blomkamp and Terri Tatchell's District 9 has a really interesting history (it sprung up after the big-screen adaptation of Halo crashed and burned without getting off the ground) that's decidedly rooted in the non-American film industry, and to see it triumph at the box office is heartening.

Hello, adoring fans of Bamboo Nation! It's an honor and a privilege and a pleasure to be here. I feel as giddy as when I first met Pork Chop!

As Prince has said, I will be providing my own "fresh perspective" on videos that he wants you to see. I'm not sure he realizes how I prefer to define "fresh," so I'm just gonna go with it.

To begin this chapter of our Bamboo Nation journey, Prince has selected three videos and given me free rein to blog about them in any order I choose. (Whoa. The power!)

Okay. So, let me be the first to break it to you. Only one of these three videos contains a hot, half-naked man. (Hello, Prince? Now that I'm contributing to your blog, maybe you could find a little time to dig up some more of those XXX-rated videos, okay? That is The Plan, right? I mean...I'm not saying we have to turn Bamboo Nation into a porn site, but...uh...umm...even if Bamboo Nation were to become a porn site, would that be so bad? That's all I'm saying. Think about it.)

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Obviously, I've decided to start with this sneak peak of New Moon, because, let's face it, it contains TWO HOT SHIRTLESS MEN! (And for you straight guys in the audience: a.) You should probably know that I am wearing a very low-cut little dress as I write this, and b.) What's sexier than listening to a bunch of sexed-up girls struggle to breathe as they endure male hotness on the [VERY] big screen? I mean, besides imagining me in my hot little dress?)

Here's what I know about New Moon: the girl who plays Bella gave a fab performance in Sean Penn's Into the Wild, and she's dating Michael Angerano and he is pretty cute and an amazing young actor. Other than that: uh, I guess it is the sequel to a little movie called Twilight...?

I've heard about Twilight, of course. I knew that Robert Pattinson was in it, and Prince blogged (right here) about his hotness, but still I didn't go see it. A five-year-old girl offered to let me borrow her copy when it came out on DVD, but, nope, Robert Pattinson didn't seem super sexy. Ya know? It might've been the hair. Or my undying loyalty to Zac Efron. But...now? Now that I've seen this sneak peek? Excuse me, Ms. Five-Year-Old Girl? I'll be over in two minutes!

There's also another dude. I have no idea who he is, but he takes his shirt off first and: !!! [Prince's Note: That's Taylor Lautner, FYI. Or shall I call him "Taylor HOT-ner?!"]

Just: brace yourselves. Watch:

You may catch me sneering at children on the street and making them cry, but I don't hate kids. I really don't. Proof? Here:

On occasion, I am afforded the opportunity to contribute to projects that are set up on DonorsChoose.org. The site is a fully monitored place where public school teachers can set up funding requests for a variety of projects, and once the monetary goal is reached DonorsChoose.org then delivers the materials to the school.

For example, I was the first person to donate to a high school in Colorado whose students wanted to take a field trip to see Wicked, which most likely will be these kids' first experience with theater. (The project description itself made me tear up. Seriously.) The funding goal was then met after American Idol contender Adam Lambert talked up the site and his fans rallied around this particular cause.

But here's the thing. If a project doesn't reach its funding goal by the deadline (each project is allotted a certain amount of time to do so), then all contributions are credited back to the donors and the project gets thrown out.

This is on the verge of happening with another project that I was the first to donate to. Some low-income middle students in Chicago want to go to the Chicago Symphony, which at the very least will allow them to experience the arts at a young age and at the very best will perhaps inspire them to tap into their own creativity. The project just needs to earn $288 more to meet its goal; otherwise, it's over!

If everyone who reads this blog on a daily basis gave just $1 (you can give just $1!), the project will be fully funded. Remember when some of you rallied around a theater-books project a couple years ago? Well, please consider doing it again.

Read more about this DonorsChoose.org project and contribute here.

After that, if you're feeling rather generous today, consider donating to one of Robert's projects. As you may know, he teaches low-income middle school students in Los Angeles, and they need flash drives and laptops.

Thank you for your consideration. For the love of Christ, it's for the children!

Let's see what my beloved baby boy is up to, shall we? Watch:

To ensure that Bamboo Nation keeps going at the same fast and furious pace that you're used to (you're so goddamn demanding!), I am very happy to announce that this blog will be taking on two regular contributors for the first time ever! A note to potential naysayers: don't worry—the contributors are known unto me and they're fabulous, and all their posts will be guided by me. I'm not going anywhere—I just want to give my narcissism a little rest.

Was there any doubt that my first new contributor would be Michael DeAntonio, my BFF who was formerly known as the notorious Mike Valentino? Since I love Italian sausage, Michael will be a regular here, and he will be blogging about the video clips I send his way, as well as about provocative topics that we both agree you would enjoy.

While Michael dumped his pseudonym and is now owning up to who he really is, isn't it interesting that my second contributor will be writing under the pen name Soleil McNeill? Soleil is a dedicated Bamboo Nation reader, freelance writer, and experimental filmmaker. We met personally last year and have had some good times. She will be providing her own fresh perspective on videos that I select as well.

Anyway, look for their names at the top of certain posts, and leave them comments to make them feel welcome, would you? Also, dear readers, keep sending me those video links (by e-mail or use the Kontactr form in the sidebar)—I need to make sure these newbies have something to do!

I am so excited that I can hardly suppress my tent pole!

I wrote a new post for The Bilerico Project.



Read "Trying Hard to Be the Official Underwear of the Porn Industry?"

[For the first part of this saga, read "My Traffic Ticket Dilemma; or: Can the System Be Reasoned With? (Or at Least Stroked Gently Into Submission?)."]

First, a big, fat, inappropriately sexual "thank you" to those of you who offered advice in the comments section or via e-mail about my nerve-wracking, stress-inducing, wanting-to-beat-someone-to-a-bloody-pulp ticket situation. There were two basic camps: those people who believed that I should and could fight the system and those who thought I was pretty much fucked anyway so I should just bend over and take it like a (gay) man.

I wrestled with the issue for a long time, and my thinking pretty much boiled down to the question of how much $811 was worth to me. Was $811 so much money that it was worth the time and effort to continue researching the system, making phone calls, sending letters, and going to the courthouse (perhaps multiple times)? Or was $811 a relatively small price to pay to make it all end in an instant and get on with my life?

Sorry to disappoint the social crusaders out there, but in the end I decided that more trips to court (especially after my recent stint at jury duty) would most likely set me on a path to Ulcer Island (do you know Ulcer Island?; it sucks), so I paid the goddamn money and intended to take Peter K.'s advice of then "taking advantage of as many public services as possible, to feel like you're getting some value for the $811 you just shelled out."

Well, guess what?

After I paid the (let me reemphasize—patently unfair) fine via phone, three different people at the court's collection agency insisted that I had to go to the courthouse anyway to request that an "abstract" be sent to the DMV (a document that said I paid my fine and my license should not be suspended). Plus, letting the DMV know that I did in fact pay the $811 cost an additional $10.

I called the court, waited to speak to an operator (I was the 70-something person in the queue), and begged her to tell me an alternative way for me to clear my name with the DMV without going to the court. After looking up my information, she said that no such alternatives existed.

So...I spent most of my day today going to the court and waiting in line.

Well, guess what?

The clerk told me that an abstract was unnecessary because the DMV had already cleared my name. Okay, so I saved myself $10, but what the fuck?!

There's a lesson here, isn't there? But what's the lesson? Never believe anything anyone tells you ever? I can't subscribe to that. I have too much faith in people.

Is that a sign of a strong, unbroken spirit—or is it an open invitation for you to fuck me over? It may very well be both. But I will be watching you.

I've had pretty great guest bloggers before on Bamboo Nation, but I'm thinking about taking on a regular contributor. Anybody out there interested? I'm basically looking for someone who can take the funny or amusing or amazing videos that I post almost every weekday, write brief and perhaps witty commentary about them, and then post them. (They can be scheduled ahead of time, so you don't have to blog every day, and the videos will be preselected by me, so you don't have to go digging all over the Internet.) Anyone game? E-mail me!

Speaking of guest bloggers, now is as good a time as any to look back on some of the more memorable guest posts over the years. Check these out:

"Left Luggage" by Jeff Greenwald, wherein Mr. Greenwald peruses a complaint book at a "left luggage" counter in India.

"The First Rule of 'High School Musical' Is That You Talk About 'High School Musical' Every Day All the Time" by Aaron Sankin, wherein Mr. Sankin writes a biting HSM post that's as funny as all mine.

"The Undeniable but Freakish Power of Bon Jovi" by Brandon Patton, wherein Mr. Patton reveals the amazing spell that "Living on a Prayer" casts.

"10 Ways Prince Can Increase His Straight Male Readership" by Mike Valentino (now known as Mike DeAntonio), wherein Mr. Valentino helps me reach out to straight dudes.

On the stalwart soap, One Life to Live, Oliver and Kyle had a secret gay fling in college. But now Oliver is all grown up, is a police officer, and is with a woman. But Kyle wants Oliver to remember the good old days. Perhaps some man-on-man lip action will do the trick? Watch:



That was hot. And I have to admit I teared up a little. I loves me my stories.

[Thanks to The Bilerico Project.]

A sleeping man in Berkshire, England, may very well have burned to death if a neighbor's cat hadn't been aware of the fire that had broken out, detected black smoke, and proceeded to claw at the man's face after climbing through the bungalow's cat-flap. Hugo, the cat, is a hero of feline proportions!

Read the article and see video of Hugo on the BBC News site.

I'm sure Pork Chop would try to save me too in a similar situation—only he'd likely sit on my face, causing me to suffocate to death. But it's the thought that counts.

[Thanks to Narrioch at Torschlusspanik!!]

Once again I bring you a commercial for a product that you will swear is not real. Oh, but Doc Bottom's A-Spray is real, all right. And "it's made in the U.S.A.!" I suppose there's nothing unusual about body sprays, but the sheer aggressiveness of this A-Spray ad is borderline frightening. Watch:



[Thanks to The Bilerico Project.]

I don't know anyone who doesn't like animals. I'm pretty sure that if you don't like animals then you're probably an asshole. (If at any point in your life you've ever wondered if you're an asshole, then ask yourself, "Do I like animals?" If the answer is no, then it's confirmed. Congratulations. Self-awareness is a wonderful thing.)

I bring all this up to point out that you don't have to be a tree-hugging liberal to be morally outraged at the covert mass dolphin slaughter that goes on every year in Taiji, Japan. That's the subject of The Cove, a riveting documentary that unfolds like a thriller and builds to a horrifying climax that shows audiences actual footage of what goes on in a hidden, fenced-off, guarded cove in a small Japanese fishing town.

Richard O'Barry, the man who trained the dolphins that appeared on Flipper, is leading the crusade against the dolphin industry that he helped launch—that is, the marine animal parks and swimming-with-dolphins businesses that rely on Taiji and its secret practices. It would be too easy to say O'Barry is looking for some sort of redemption—what's going on here is enough to rile up any average Joe.

Because the commercial dolphin industry is a multibillion-dollar business, a lot is being done to cover up some disturbing facts. Dolphins kept in captivity in amusement parks are so stressed from being out of their element that they need to be given medication for ulcers. And since a single dolphin can yield a payday of $150,000, what goes on Tajai is allowed to keep on going and keep on going strong. Every year, tens of thousands of dolphins are wrangled into the cove. The bottle-nosed dolphins that can be sold are captured and shipped to marine parks around the world, while the many dolphins that don't make the cut are inhumanely stabbed to death and either disposed of or sold as mercury-contaminated meat.

The filmmakers, who snuck high-tech camera equipment and sound gear into the cove while being tailed by Japanese police, claim that approximately 2,300 dolphins are slaughtered every year just to get to the few "good" ones that will eventually entertain families around the world.

The film (and this post) is not a vegetarian treatise meant to stave people off meat and join PETA. (I eat fish.) It's a commonsense call to action, a battle cry of a movie that wants us to understand the inhumane massacre of one of the most intelligent animals on earth and that hopes transparency will breed change.

When I walked out of An Inconvenient Truth and Food Inc., I can remember feeling so overwhelmed by the many problems we face because of global warming and a shady food industry, respectively, that I didn't feel like I could do anything to make a significant impact. But after seeing The Cove, I know that stopping what's going on in this one relatively small part of the world can have far-reaching implications, and it seems like something that can realistically be achieved.

Let's do a few simple things together, shall we?

• Learn more about this issue.

• Do not financially support marine animal parks or swim-with-dolphin businesses, and tell your friends and family not to go.

• Donate to the Oceanic Preservation Society, the producers of The Cove.

• See this movie.

(On a side note, I wish there were in-depth interviews with the fisherman and more about the economy of the town to curb the sometimes anti-Japan sentiment, but that's a small gripe about a bold film.)

As you may have guessed, I frequently create fantasies in my head at night before I drift off to sleep, one of which involves Channing Tatum having a lurid past as a go-go dancer who strips for money. Further evidence that I should keep dreaming what I'm dreaming because it all eventually comes true, Us Weekly just uncovered partially nude 1999 video footage—not pictures, actual video!—of Channing Tatum stripping at Male Encounter, an all-male revue that Floridian ladies screamed in ecstasy during. He only strips down to his tiny thong, but I presume this is not safe for work anyway, due to his shaking ass. Watch:



How naked do you have to get to consider it naked? He apparently never went the Full Monty, but this is naked enough for me to have enough material for my gay spank bank for weeks!

The following infomercial is for a product called Aromatrim, a device you sniff that supposedly makes you lose your appetite. The video doesn't really say what it smells like or how it works, so I can only assume that the makers of Aromatrim have managed to capture and package the odor of a big pile of shit. Rub your faces in it, dieters! Watch:

In The Silence of the Lambs, Jodie Foster captured a serial killer by getting into the mind of a serial killer. In similar fashion, a certain movie studio knew that they could come to understand 13-year-girls by doing the one thing that would guarantee them results: they contacted me.

For the upcoming movie, Post Grad, which I presume is aimed at the teen-girl set, they created a Recommendation Letter Generator, a perfect summertime time-waster. After you answer a few simple questions, the Generator spits out a letter of recommendation using a complicated and classified algorithm based on your answers. The hundreds of variations of letters were all written by me. You can take the quiz over and over again, and it will spit out a different letter just about every time.

While I of course wanted to write stuff that would be fun for teen girls everywhere, I also wanted to make sure that I could make people just like you chuckle. I know I have succeeded valiantly.

Anyway, the Generator can be accessed on the front page of MySpace today. Go to MySpace and click "Need to Ace that Job Interview?" (after the ad at the top finishes playing) to access the Recommendation Letter Generator and see what I have come up with especially for you. (If you are reading this days after MySpace has taken down the link, then go here.)

On our way to the movie theater on Saturday, Loren and I stopped by one of those retail carts in the open-air gloriousness that is The Americana on Brand, where I bought a protective case and screen for my new Palm Pre. (Be jealous, bitches! This smartphone is probably smarter than you are!)



When I told the salesgirl that she didn't have to put the case on for me because we were on our way to a movie, she asked which one. I told her Julie & Julia. She was genuinely surprised. "I didn't think a couple of guys would want to go see that." Loren and I looked at each other knowingly, and I contemplated doing a pirouette and exclaiming, "Hell-oooooooooo!"

I could gush about Meryl Streep's performance, but that would be predictable, wouldn't it? Let me just briefly state that Streep's embodiment of cooking sensation and outsized personality Julia Child is at once an exuberant imitation and a heartfelt tribute that suggests hidden depths. (Not too many hidden depths, though, because Child almost always wore her heart on her apron.)



The Julia Child half of the movie is unarguably the more interesting half, and it took me a long time to warm up to the "Julie" half, which is about blogger Julie Powell and her stunt of documenting online her attempt to cook every recipe from Child's groundbreaking Mastering the Art of French Cooking within a year's time.

While I would've been perfectly content watching the Julia Child story unfold for the entire two hours, Julie & Julia is, notably, perhaps the first feature film ever about a blogger. And it does manage to capture the highs, lows, and obsessiveness that can come with blogging—the joy of that first comment from a stranger, the evaluation involved in figuring out how much of your personal life you can write about, the dedication you feel to readers you don't know.

And despite its seeming superfluousness, what the Julie half of the film also provides is a fascinating contrast between eras—between being a writer (and a woman) at the midpoint of the 20th century and at the beginning of 21st century.

It took Julia Child 10 years to type Mastering the Art of French Cooking on onion skin paper and eventually get it published. It took Julie Powell mere minutes to set up a blog on her computer (it's still up, by the way) and a year to land a book deal. While I can see the benefits of an accelerated time frame for success (it's what all writers dream about, after all), I wonder what gets lost while we're speeding. After all, Beef Bourguignon takes hours to prepare and cook. Its texture, its flavor, the love that went into making it—all that can be experienced only if the chef takes her damn sweet time.

The following video is a tad on the long side (as you know, anything over 2:30 minutes makes me want to slam my head against the desk), but it's worth it. An American guy often told his girlfriend about a backpacking trip that he was going to be taking in Europe. Amazingly, the girlfriend never really listened to him, and it never registered in her brain that he was leaving. This video is the series of e-mails that she sent him while he was away, charting the disintegration of a perfectly good relationship (or was it?). Watch:



This guy has a blog, by the way:jdsmanstories.blogspot.com.

[Thanks to Will Blank.]

Oh, to be Kathy Griffin. She showed up at the Teen Choice Awards this past weekend with Levi Johnston on her arm. Yup. That Levi Johnston. Hot hot hot hot hot Palin-nemesis Levi Johnston. Sure, Griffin was joking when she said that young love was blossoming between her and the 19-year-old cougar bait, but it was a glorious stunt indeed. I'm jealous. Watch:

Regular readers know that there was only one reason I went to go see a certain action movie this weekend. But I didn't predict that I would come away from this awful awful awful—did I mention awful?—film feeling betrayed by the man who has inspired my nether regions like so few men can. At the theater, I found myself staring off into space, as if someone had punched a hole in my head and was fucking my prefrontal cortex with an shellacked fruit roll-up.

But I am a forgiving man—especially when the betrayer in question does this moderately amusing spoof of Dirty Dancing. Ah, memories. Watch:

Let's kick off the week with an educational video about how and why catnip causes such strange behavior in felines—you know, they chase around imaginary mice and roll around on the ground like sluts. (I've seen sluts roll around on the ground, so I know what it looks like.) Watch:



[Thanks to Jake Bradbury.]

Recent scientific research suggests that swearing might actually alleviate people's experience of physical pain. So if you stub your toe, an impulsively muttered "fuck!" will soften the blow.

Because the governments depicted in In the Loop are prone to take good old-fashioned idealism and—to quote a character from the film—"ram it up your shitter with a lubricated horse cock," it might explain why the political players in this British farce are so goddamn foul-mouthed. Perhaps all that swearing helps to lessen the pain of being a cog in a frighteningly absurd, unfair, and soulless machine.

In the Loop is one of the verbally filthiest movies I've ever seen, but it's also one of the smartest and scariest satires to boot.

The central tug of war in this fast-talking, breakneck-paced film is between officials in American and British government: some are itching to go to war in an unnamed Middle Eastern country, and some see the whole thing as a hasty rush into military action. (Sound familiar?)

Junior British minister Simon Foster becomes a pawn in a dizzying conspiracy after he innocuously goes off-topic during a radio interview and says that "war is unforeseeable." That's enough for the anti-war officials in America to use him in their game, despite Foster's neutrality (and naivete?) on the subject. Later, when Foster is ambushed by the press, he tries to backtrack by saying that peace is sometimes achieved by climbing "the mountain of conflict," a phrase that the war advocates latch on to.

Line by line, insult by brilliant insult, In the Loop is fucking hilarious. But it's also a deeply sad and cynical statement about the evil of politics and the futility of government to play by the rules. The movie (which Robert tells me is closer to our real-life dive into the Iraq War than I realize) offers no glimmer of hope, and the most vile characters manage to dodge their much-deserved comeuppances and those comeuppances are instead redirected at the characters who seem to have their hearts in the right place.

Most of us have a lubricated horse cock rammed up our shitter, and we don't even know it.

The commercial that I wrote (and that Loren directed) just aired nationally during Top Chef Masters last night on Bravo. It's going to hit some local markets as well. You can take a look at the ad here. It stars...our apartment! That's our couch! That's our big-ass TV! Those are our David Lynch drapes! If you're even a little bit savvy, you can figure out who the commercial is targeted at and what we're doing to entice them. (It's the oldest trick in the book, ha ha.)

Watch the commercial here.

A flurry of breaking news just hit within the last few minutes, so, appropriately enough, I have a flurry of breaking (if brief) thoughts.

Director John Hughes just died of a heart attack at the age of 59. Do you realize how goddamn prolific this guy was? Check out his IMDb credits.

And then read my tribute to Some Kind of Wonderful here.

And the United States Senate has just confirmed Sonia Sotomayor as the nation's first Hispanic Supreme Court justice. In my book, this "wise Latina" judge is second only to Judge Marilyn Milian on The People's Court. Seriously. Don't argue.

Long before Tickle Me Elmo delighted children and annoyed parents around the globe, there was Baby Laugh-a-Lot, a giggling doll so creepy that it probably caused permanent psychological damage to girls everywhere. Even the commercial was fucked up—those quick cuts of the kids turning around quickly could be something out of that videotape in The Ring. Watch:



I'm not sure which is more terrifying: Baby Laugh-a-Lot or the infamous Baby Secret. You decide.

[Thanks to Gabriel Fleming.]

The following hilarious commercial claims that the Shake Weight exercise device is "designed specifically for women" and is meant to tone flabby arms. But we know better. This contraption was obviously created by straight guys who want females to have upper body strength for other reasons. I think this aired on national television, but, even still, is it safe for work? You decide. Watch:



[Thanks to Peter Varvel at Plastic Bubble World. Perv.]

My mom just discovered how to type my name into Google.

Noooooooooo!

This is either breathtakingly adorable or the dumbest thing I have ever seen. Even as a cat lover, I'm not entirely sure I can endorse this. But it exists. And I can't pretend that it doesn't. You see, Lithuanian composer Mindaugas Piečaitis led a live orchestra while Nora the Piano Cat was beamed in via video to perform solo on piano. [Addendum: Gabriel wants me to clarify that "that concert was composed around a previously existing, fairly well-known YouTube video." (Like that changes anything.)] The results are highly questionable. Watch:



Yes, there's a website.

[Thanks to Erica.]

Despite my cold, hard embrace of solipsism and despite the fact that this blog helps me facilitate that, I do occasionally feel like I'm a part of a larger blogging community. This is evidenced by you readers who lurk in the shadows (one day I will know you, and then we will hug!), you commenters who valiantly generate discussion threads on my posts (your validation is like blood to a vampire!), you folks who send me videos and other content (you help me seem more connected to pop culture than I really am!), and fellow bloggers (who may be all these things) who write their own blogs and are connected to Bamboo Nation in sundry ways.

Yesterday, I organized the first phase of taking this blogging community out of the virtual world and into the real world by bringing together a bunch of Southern California bloggers who have at least a peripheral relationship with Bamboo Nation.

We met at Caffe Primo at the glorious outdoor mall/oasis that is The Americana at Brand in Glendale, California, and chatted face-to-face about blogging, about writing, and about many other things that made us smile and laugh. And as misanthropic as I wanted to be (anybody who's ever seen me at a party sitting in a corner with my arms crossed knows what I'm talking about), I genuinely liked everybody there—smart, engaging, funny people—some of whom I had met in person before and some of whom I had not.

You should consider reading some of their blogs, which I am listing below. I asked each of the bloggers who showed up to give me a link to a favorite post of theirs, and that's a good place to start. Enjoy:

Ashley Aguirre. I became familiar with Ashley online first and eventually met her at a couple events that Jonny organized back when he was in Los Angeles. She blogs about pop culture, with an emphasis on music. Read about her thoughtful take on our blogger meetup here.

Noel Alumit at The Last Noel. I've known this dirty Filipino whore from the Asian-American theater community. He blogs about all things literary, but claims he's branching out. Read about the time he was writing a novel on a pyramid in Mexico here.

Jake Bradbury at Video Contest Warriors. Jake lives up the street from me. He (and Will, who also lives up the street from me) have made a shitload of money winning video contests, and they blog about it and other film-related issues. Jake didn't send me a favorite blog post (lame!), so I will punish him by linking instead to a guest post that I wrote for them on their blog here.

Donovan Keith at Another Actor in L.A. Donovan's first professional theater gig was in a play of mine in San Francisco, in which he was forced to strip down to his skivvies and have his testicles electrocuted. (Who says theater is stuffy?) He blogs about how to navigate being, well, another actor in L.A. Read about how he was a cryin' ass little bitch on a film project that took him around the world.

Cheryl Klein at Bread and Bread. I know Cheryl online through Noel. She blogs about literary things and personal adventures. Read her amusing deconstruction on a Michael Jackson music video here.

Louise Larsen at Louise on the Left. I met Louise online first before grabbing some face time with her. She blogs about politics and entertainment from the perspective of a liberal mom in conservative Orange County. Read her hilarious description of her daughter's middle-school sex education course here. (Part Two of that story is here.)

Scott at Tropico Station. I met Scott online first because he knows everything about Glendale, California, the city in which I live. He blogs about living here. Read his expert guide to the 1952 film, Crime Wave, and its various locations in Glendale, Atwater Village, and Toluca Lake.

Stephanie at The Water Glass. I met Stephanie in person for the first time yesterday. She blogs about literary things. Read her unusual tribute to John Updike here.

Peter Varvel at Plastic Bubble World. Peter stalks me. He blogs personal anecdotes about his lurid past. Read about the time he peed in an electrical outlet here.

I'm hoping to make this SoCal blogger meetup a quarterly event. Are there any other friends of Bamboo Nation who have their own blogs and want to be invited to one of these things? Let me know.

And in the future perhaps I'll organize a Northern California blogger gathering and maybe, just maybe, a reader appreciation event? If it involves bringing me presents, then I'm down.

[Special thanks to Louise and Peter for actually suggesting this event in the first place.]

If you're not familiar with the Simon's Cat cartoons, then it's about damn time you become acquainted. Each episode is a cute, clever, sublime gem, and the latest certainly delivers the goods. In this edition, Simon's cat battles a common housefly, with uncommon results. Watch:



Simon's cat tries to get indoors here, attempts to wake up Simon here, and interrupts TV time here.

This series is one of those things that's so universally appealing that if you don't like it then you're pretty much a douchebag.