Oh my freaking Christ. And I thought the first one was bad (motherfucker glitters in the sun!). The new one is even worse. Don't even try to argue with me. You know why? You and your movies have zero credibility. You know why you and your movies have zero credibility? Because motherfucker...glitters...in the sun! Shut up. I'm done here.

Speaking of The Muppets, did you know that a feature-length film version of Fraggle Rock is in the works?! When I was a kid, I forced my parents to get HBO so I could watch the show, and, once I did, I fell in love with it. I mean, after all, at one point in my life I wanted to be a Muppet. (I know, I know, some of you think I already am a Muppet. But I'm not. There's no hand up my ass.) Remember?:

On Thanksgiving my friends and family made our yearly pilgrimage to Clancy's Crab Broiler, that bastion of seafood goodness in the heart of downtown Glendale, California. Almost everybody in our party of seven ordered Clancy's world-famous Bucket o' Crab, which is exactly what it sounds like. (Okay, it's not actually world famous, but I'm working on single-handedly making it so.)

The lone holdout was my mother, who refused to buy into the whole ritual of eating crab legs. She kept yapping about how the buffet at the Bellagio in Las Vegas features crab legs whose shells have been pre-cracked so that she can easily shovel the meat into her with little effort.

"You're missing the whole point of coming to Clancy's!" I exclaimed. "First of all, the word 'crab' is in the name of the freaking restaurant. You have to get crab. Second of all, it's got to be the Bucket o' Crab because there's something special and charmingly primitive about working for your food the way you have to with crab legs. The cracking, the pounding, the digging for meat—it's all a part of a sacred process. And it really makes you thankful for each and every bite because you honestly have to work for it. Like in caveman times! This is not just a meal; this is embracing our collective history and honoring our ancestors!"

My mom got the Fisherman's Stew.

After a three-day blogging hiatus (Levi Johnston's pictures and I wanted to spend some time alone), I am back with more incredible values for your entertainment dollar. Plus, there's a whole new site design for you to "ooh" and "aah" at! (If you're reading this post through a feed reader or in an e-mail, go to the actual site to behold the new design.) Let's kick off the week with a bang, shall we...? After reveling in the sublime videos of The Muppets performing Beethoven's "Ode to Joy," Strauss's "The Blue Danube," Bizet's "Habanera," and a patriotic melody, I didn't think it could really get any better. But, oh, my faithlessness is shaming! Queen's epic and indulgent "Bohemian Rhapsody" gets the Muppet treatment, and it's more awesome than I can possibly express in words. Watch:



[Thanks to Alan Goy.]

Remember how the Japanese manufactured a giant play toy in which children were encouraged to climb inside Pikachu's vagina? Click to enlarge:



Well, the Japanese don't have a monopoly on awkward play structures any more. Behold this wondrous play land (I don't know which country it's from), where kids get ejected out of an elephant's crapper. Click to enlarge:



[Thanks to Peter Varvel at Plastic Bubble World.]

Is this the most adorable thing you've seen all week...or is it a disturbing video clip that will make you question the sanity of the world? Watch:

I wrote a new post for The Bilerico Project.



Read "One Queer Man and One Straight Woman on a Big Gay Bus."

Prior to the USC Master of Professional Writing Student/Faculty Reading this past Friday, I had dinner with Kennedy Kabasares (by the way, his website is hilarious) at the crepe place in the Farmer's Market near The Grove in Los Angeles. I ordered a sandwich, but demanded that it be put on a croissant because, as you know, everything tastes better on a croissant. You could put staples on a croissant, and I'd eat it.

The presentation space on the third floor of the Barnes & Noble is right next to the children's section, so I'm glad I decided not to read my Levi Johnston fan fiction, which would've blasted out of the speakers and over to the kids' area like an unwelcome invasion of H1N1. Instead, I told the audience (it was packed, by the way!) one of my signature stories, "What My Sister's Breast Implants Have to Do With Golf"; I read a fictional monologue from an unfinished play, which I posted here last year); and I performed a short play titled ATM with Kennedy and Andrea Apuy, who was also a student reader at the event.

Everyone was in good spirits, the evening as a whole was fabulously organized, I felt like my performance skills were as sharp as ever, and it made me miss performing for audiences. Do you hear that, Brandon Patton, I miss performing! What are we going to do about it?!

Even though we had a full house, I thought we could double the size of the audience and whip them all into a Twilight-like frenzy if I pretended to be Dan Brown. Partway through my set, I spoke loudly into the microphone: "Attention, Barnes & Noble shoppers, Dan Brown, author of The Da Vinci Code, is on the third floor right now! Dan Brown will be reading from his new book, Robert Langdon and the Case of Picasso's Nuts!"

Someone told me afterward that they saw a few stray people wander into the area after I made the announcement. Suckers!

After the reading, Loren and Gabriel and I went to the French restaurant at The Grove, where I had pasta, my second dinner of the night. It was pretty good, but I should've asked them to put it on a croissant.

Okay, kitty, when you see the feather, stop. When you don't see the feather, go. Those are all the rules. Begin! Watch:



If life were only that simple....

[Prince's Note: Our Southern friend, Michael DeAntonio, is so modest that it was I who had to suggest that he peddle his wares on Bamboo Nation. No need to be shy, Michael! After all, was it not I who was the very first person in the entire world to purchase a copy of your book of poetry, even though the thought of reading a book of poetry makes me want to hermetically seal myself in a David Blaine contraption? You should consider that some sort of triumph! Anyway, Michael explains the book below....]

Everyone has been hit hard by the slumping economy. Homes are being foreclosed upon. People are losing their jobs. Companies are downsizing and outsourcing. Nowhere is this more apparent, though, than the South. Even before the recession hit, the South was a cesspool of poverty, poor taste, and poor breeding. Now that the entire country is in the pooper, one can only imagine how horrible the South has become.

Point being; I need your money. Now I've been known as a song and dance man, but considering the distance the Internet puts between myself and most of you, dancing for your spare change might be a bit difficult. Luckily I have finished my collection of poetry, Outlaw Poetry. And it's for sale! If enough of you good folks out there buy it, I'll be able to afford actual prenatal vitamins for my wife instead of orange colored Tic Tacs.

Did I mention it's only $6.99? And if that's not enough to leave you reaching for your billfold, here's a little something to wet your appetite:

Vincent Gallo

I don’t want your hair that blonde, love
I don’t want your thighs that thin
If your breasts sag, I don’t care, love
If you don’t mind me grabbing them

I don’t require too much from you, love
Just understanding, food and sex
It doesn’t have to be that good, love
As long as it’s the same that you expect

I will never treat you poor, love
I will treat you like a good man should
And I will never steal your make-up
The way that Vincent Gallo would

Buy Outlaw Poetry now. Go to Michael's blog, and hit the "Buy Now" button in the sidebar.

[Michael DeAntonio also blogs at Mike the Bull.]

The first set of pictures from Levi Johnston's already-infamous Playgirl photo shoot became available on the smut magazine's website on Friday night. (I mean, didn't you hear the angels sing?!) Almost immediately, bloggers began posting the naked (except for full-frontal) pictures—but within a matter of hours the hot pics were pulled, I presume, for copyright violation.

...But not before I saw them and committed them to memory by lingering on them the way a Buddhist monk concentrates on a single chant.

No, in this first set, you don't even get a tiny glimpse of his man-spear at all, but the photos are glorious nonetheless and a firm naked ass is nothing to poo-poo. (Hmm. Sloppy use of a phrase.)

Unfortunately, dear bloggers, I was not smart enough to download them onto my desktop and create a separate file for them, as well as back them up on a flash drive. (Or was I?) And nobody was kind enough to send me links to URLs that still have the photos tucked away and hidden, but easily accessible. (Or were they?) And there's no such person as a person who went to the effort of attaching all the pics in an e-mail and then sending them to me before it was too late. (Or is there?)

Playgirl, don't bust me! All I did was post the shot above, which you made available to media outlets. I don't got nothin' else! (Or do I?)

I honestly can't watch footage of Sarah Palin for more than 15 seconds before I want to reach for the nearest car key and stab myself in the neck. So the thought of Palin becoming President of the United States has never crossed my mind because I value my own life too much. Even when Saturday Night Live re-cuts the trailer for the disaster film, 2012, to show what would happen if Palin were indeed to become Commander in Chief, it does not inspire laughter in me because what's shown in the following clip just seems to real. Watch it now before NBC pulls it again:

It’s been many years since I last read the next selection in the “Novels Prince Should Read” Book Club. Perhaps it would be wise to read it again before writing a blog about it, or maybe not. Maybe it’s better to write about it through the rose-colored glasses of time.

In 1988 and 1989 Salman Rushdie’s novel, The Satanic Verses, was published in the U.K. and the U.S. (The Satanic Verses is not this week’s selection.) On February 14, 1989, the Ayatollah Khomeini issued a fatwa calling for Rushdie’s execution. (Rushdie says he still gets a card every Valentine’s Day from the Iranian government reminding him they’re still trying to kill him. How sweet.) He went into exile for nine years.

Shortly after the fatwa, Rushdie began working on his next novel. While working on The Satanic Verses, he had promised his 9-year-old son Zafar he would write a children’s novel next. Now in exile and separated from his son, he began collecting the bath-time stories he used to tell Zafar into the novel, Haroun and the Sea of Stories.

In 1990 the book was published, and in 1995 I was given a list of books to choose from and then write a paper about in an English Lit class. I chose Haroun and the Sea of Stories, thinking it was a short story collection and would be easy to write a paper on. It’s not a short story collection, but I was so happy I made that mistake. Haroun is a lovely, heart-warming, love letter from Rushdie to his son that we’re all privileged enough to get to read. Like all good children’s literature, it’s also an allegory about societal problems, and it’s funny. There’s a whole group of characters based on the Beatles song, I am the Walrus, including “I.M.D. Walrus, Esquire.” How can you not like that?

Then in 2009 Haroun and the Sea of Stories became a selection in the “Novels Prince Should Read” Book Club. Now go read it.

[Alan Goy also blogs at Experiment Farm.]

Photo by Aaron Lee Fineman
(click to enlarge)

Okay, I know I promised not to keep posting about my son, but Tuesday was his bris, and so why dig into my archive when I have a current photograph? And since I did not shoot anything that was not work or Miko-related this past week, I figured that this was a good photo to post.

Plus, Miko was the first boy to get circumcised at The Lower East Side Girls Club. I realize that having a bris at a girls club might seem like a strange thing. However, I have been photographing the Girls Club since 1997, as well as volunteering there with my wife. A few years ago I even was even given an award for "boyfriend of the year."

So, about this photo, it was taken moments before the snip. Miko is wearing a blue and white kippah that was made by my great grandmother, Molly, for my uncle Leo, who I was named after for my middle name.

Also in the photograph is my father who is holding a nipple filled with sugar water (wine was also added later) along with my grandpa Ira, Leo's father.

So, unless Miko does something absolutely amazing with the turkey on Thursday, I promise for real that next Sunday's post will not have a photograph of him. Besides we are making his own blog shortly.

[For more work by Aaron Lee Fineman, visit www.aaronleefineman.com.]

I found her again! Oh my God! I love the Internet because, due to YouTube, I am reunited with one of the funniest comedy acts I've ever seen. If you did not have cable access in Los Angeles in the 1990s, you won't know who this is, but you should. Here is Barbra Streisand like you've never seen her before. Watch:





Click here to view more hilarious work at SilverlakeDaze's Barbara by Halstead.

[Louise Larsen also blogs at Louise on the Left.]

In the three following Thai commercials, daily exercise gets the respect it deserves. Watch:



And that is why I jump a little rope and lift 12-pound weights!

Here's the artwork for the reading I'll be a part of on Friday night. Why does that guy have a chainsaw? Am I expected to bring mine? Is this a new thing that authors are doing at readings? Where will we hide the bodies?

This talking parrot has a "furry" fetish. Watch:



That's unnatural!

In order to pull attention away from the fact that Levi Johnston's Playgirl photo shoot came up short, the savvy smut peddler has released a sneak preview of Levi from the shoulders up. It sounds tame, but the photographer managed to make the B&W shot an enticing celebration of Levi's smoldering hotness:



I'll take two to go please!

I will be fondling a microphone this coming Friday at the Barnes & Noble at The Grove in Los Angeles! If that image alone doesn't thrill you enough to make you show up, then know that I will also be telling a few tantalizing stories that are sure to either make you laugh or vomit in disgust. Don't you love surprises?

2009 USC Master of Professional Writing Presents

STUDENT/FACULTY READING

featuring faculty reader PRINCE GOMOLVILAS
with student readers Andrea Apuy, Diane Brown, Megan Christopher, Alexandra D'Italia, Joshua Jacobson

Friday, November 20, 2009
7:30 p.m.-9:30 p.m.

Barnes & Nobles
The Grove
189 The Grove Drive
Los Angeles CA 90036
323.525.0270

http://college.usc.edu/mpw

If you come, I will sign your forehead. It'll be like Ash Wednesday—but not.

After seeing Gabourey Sidibe's phenomenal, soul-stirring film debut as the title character in Precious (I am still crying, child!), I became a true believer in her Oscar buzz. But after seeing her appearance on the Conan O'Brien show, I must now become a lifelong champion of her and her work. That's because her real personality is, surprisingly, absolutely nothing like her character in the movie, revealing the depth of her transformation and her total commitment to her craft. In the funny interview below (split up in three parts), she chats about her obsession with boy bands—ah, a girl who speaks my language. I love her! Watch:

Boxing just doesn't appeal to me as a spectator sport (unless Channing Tatum is fighting and shirtless), but the barbaric, animalistic nature of two individuals beating each other up sort of makes sense when it comes to cats. Yes, cats. Watch:



As much as I appreciate the feline grace of a boxing match such as this, Pork Chop would just sit on them and be done with it. Heft has its advantages.

This is the darkest day in Bamboo Nation history. Gawker reports that Playgirl spokesman Daniel Nardicio announced that Levi Johnston "did not give 'full-frontal' as his manager Tank Jones reported he would. We're thrilled with the photos we got, and are confident people will love them. Although there may be glimpses, we did not get full-on frontal nudity." No wonder this smut mag is practically out of business! This is the worst day ever!

By the way, in Oprah Winfrey's interview with Sarah Palin today, Palin mentioned how she was disappointed in Levi's "aspiring porn" career. Wait just one second, woman!

What Levi is doing is not porn! Being photographed with a hockey stick in front of your hockey stick does not constitute pornography!

Click to enlarge:

Back when I was obsessing over boy bands in the late 1990s and early 2000s, I somehow missed the power and the magic of b4-4, a Canadian trio who holds the distinction of producing perhaps the single most disturbing music video of the era.

A black kid strolls through a rundown neighborhood; passes a depressing homeless man; finds a View-Master in a trash can; looks into the toy to see and hear creepily tanned boy band members serenading him about how "I will be the one to love and comfort you from now until the day you die"; gets transported into the View-Master and frolics on the beach and on a basketball court; eventually transforms into a pimp; and then gives the View-Master to the homeless man. Yup, this is your WTF for the week, especially the cringe-worthy chorus:

If you get down on me
I'll get down on you
I will do anything
That you want me to
It's a game of give and take
To make it through
So if you get down on me
I'll get down on you tonight

Watch:



[Thanks to Gabriel Fleming.]

I realize that of the 4,000 or so pages in the Harry Potter series, Prince has read exactly 1, but I still think he should become a fan of Quidditch. For those of you, like him, who are unfamiliar with the term, Quidditch is a sport created by J.K. Rowling and played by wizards on broomsticks hurling balls of various sizes around, trying to score points. There’s also another little tiny golden ball called the Snitch that they’re trying to catch. It’s all very complicated, but you can read all about it here.

Now, as us non-magical folk (or “muggles”) don’t have access to flying brooms or magically enchanted balls (okay, maybe Prince has access to magically enchanted balls, but I don’t want to know about that), a variation of the game has been developed and is played on college campuses across the country as part of the Intercollegiate Quidditch Association.

The rules are slightly different. The players carry regular brooms, the bludgers aren’t bewitched, and the role of the snitch is played by a person (usually a cross country runner) who can run anywhere on campus. But just like regular Quidditch, the teams are all coed, the games are violent and high scoring, and they have their own World Cup.

The entire tournament is played in one day at Middleburry College (the birthplace of the modern intercollegiate Quidditch movement) and has been called “the best college sporting event.” Over 20 teams participated, camping out in traditional tents, wearing nerdy jerseys with capes, and playing to packed crowds and comedian announcers. In the end, Middlebury beat Emerson to repeat as World Cup champions.

Why should Prince watch it? All spectator sports at their basic level are simply theater in another form. The Quidditch World Cup, born out of fiction, is simply a giant fan-driven theatrical event in one of its purest forms.



[Alan Goy also blogs at Experiment Farm.]

Photo by Aaron Lee Fineman
(click to enlarge)

I have never been very good at math, but this time I am positive that I got the equation right....

I would like to introduce you all to my son, Miko Hudson Fineman. Miko was born on Tuesday November 10, 2009, at 8:56 a.m., weighing in at 9 lbs. 5.2 oz. and measuring 21 5/8 inches long.

Don't worry. I won't be turning my weekly blog post here into weekly updates on Miko's poops, but I am a very proud father and wanted to shout it from the rooftops—but the noise in the city is too loud so no one would hear me, so I figured I should post something to Prince's blog instead where people will actually see it.

[For more work by Aaron Lee Fineman, visit www.aaronleefineman.com.]

Oprah Winfrey and Sarah Palin will meet for the very first time on The Oprah Winfrey Show on Monday, November 16, 2009, where they will discuss Palin's first upcoming book, Going Rogue: An American Life. In the candid clip below, Winfrey shows Palin that she "knows a thing or two about going rogue," demonstrating on camera her pent-up feelings about being snubbed on numerous earlier requests to interview the former GOP vice presidential candidate. Watch:



[Louise Larsen also blogs at Louise on the Left.]

I met Sapphire—poet, spoken word artist, and novelist—briefly through a car window many years ago in San Francisco, not long after her novel Push had been published. She was in the passenger seat, I knew the driver, and they were just rolling on by when they spotted me on the sidewalk. She was kind and warm, but, as you know, I don't read novels, so I never did pick up her book. What the fuck is wrong with me?! The novel reads more like a theatrical monologue from what I can tell on Amazon. And I'm going to love this. You know how I know?

Well, I just saw Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire (how her agents and lawyers or whoever managed to secure that title is beyond me), and it really is as good as the pre-release hype suggests.

I don't feel I really need to throw more praise on it, but I do want to say that everything you've heard about Mo'Nique, the comedienne-turned-dramatic-actor, still won't prepare you for her stunning performance as the title character's abusive mother. Her first extended monologue alone will make your jaw drop and quite possibly chill you to the bone.

I also want to mention that some of my friends are avoiding the film because the trailers make it look like a depressing journey into utter darkness. While the movie pulls no punches when depicting Precious's horrific life, it's also got plenty of humor and an almost-spiritual uplift.



This is also perhaps a movie that resonates with writers for some reason. Check out fellow bloggers Noel Alumit and Cheryl Klein for their raves.

I especially like when Klein writes, "Rather than just one self-sacrificing teacher, it takes a village to get [Precious] out: teacher, guidance counselor, social worker, nurse, new supportive classmates.... In Precious and, in my opinion, in life, no single person can defeat an entire web of injustice."

Indeed.

How do I know that the following video is not safe for work? Well, it's Belgian! The television program, Neveneffecte, had a segment featuring a creepy animated uncircumcised penis playing peek-a-boo. Uh...WTF?! Watch:



[Thanks to Gabriel Fleming.]

Loren and I sometimes babysit a six-year-old boy, the rambunctious and adorable son of friends. Whenever we take charge of "K.," as we did this past Saturday, all my senses kick into high alert, and my mindset switches to that of the ultimate guardian, a protector always on the lookout for the smallest sign of potential danger.

I go through my everyday life pretty carefree and unconcerned about my surroundings, but, when K. is around, I suffer from sensory overload because, to me, almost everything is a sign of potential danger: "The signal says 'walk,' but is that cross traffic really going to stop like it's supposed to?"; "That's a kids' bowling ball, but what if he drops it on his foot?"; "He's eating Pinkberry from his chair just fine, but wouldn't a booster seat ensure that he won't fall off and bang his head?"; "I wonder if the water he used to wash his hands was hot enough to kill bacteria"; "He's having fun playing the XBOX, but shouldn't he take a break to avoid carpel tunnel syndrome?"; etc.

Of course I didn't say any of this stuff out loud, so we all managed to have a great time and K. was delivered back to his parents safe, sound, and raving about his fun evening.

If I had my own child, man, I would so be an overprotective mother. You see? Children make the world a dangerous place.

But I can't wait to babysit again.

What if the iconic lamp in the Pixar intro that plays before Pixar movies weren't as cute as it is? Watch:



[Thanks to Peter Varvel at Plastic Bubble World.]

(A car. WILL drives. PRINCE in the passenger seat.)

WILL: I'm glad you could come.

PRINCE: Thanks for inviting me.

WILL: I know it's a long drive all the way down to Anaheim.

PRINCE: Well, it should be fun. What kind of planes do you think they'll have at this air show?

WILL: Air show?

PRINCE: What kind of tricks do you think they'll do at this air show?

WILL: We're not going to an air show.

PRINCE: What do you mean?

WILL: We're going to a hair show.

PRINCE: A hair show?

WILL: Yeah.

PRINCE: What the fuck is a hair show?

***

...I could continue to recreate our entire car ride to Anaheim, but just imagine a strange blend of Supercuts, Project Runway, and America's Best Dance Crew, and you'll start to get an idea of what happened Sunday night.

Above is a photo of Will on the dance floor as the hair style collection video he edited plays on three giant screens above him.

My titles are sometimes so concise and descriptive that no additional commentary is necessary. Just watch:

There's nothing a pair of firm ass cheeks can't do. Case in point? This guy uses his anus as a landing pad for flying computers. Yes, it is perhaps an act of special-effects fakery, but, despite what you may think about me, just the thought makes me clench in terror. Watch:

With just two movies under their belt, Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck—a wife-and-husband filmmaking team—have eased into a distinct style of storytelling; they're all about upending Hollywood genres by infusing their work with narrative twists that challenge your expectations and offer you a glimpse into worlds you've never been in.

In the phenomenal Half Nelson, Ryan Gosling is the heroic teacher who changes the life of one of his black female students. Sounds like your typical urban inspirational teacher movie, right? Well, the thing is, Gosling's charismatic educator may light up classrooms by day, but he's a crack addict by night. A crack addict! When the female student in question finds him passed out on a bathroom floor at school, their complex journey begins.

Boden and Fleck's sophomore effort, Sugar—which was recently released on DVD and which I just saw—is about a talented baseball player from the Dominican Republic who gets recruited and comes to America to pursue his Yankee Stadium dreams. Sounds like your typical rousing inspirational sports movie, right? Well, I won't reveal the third act twist, but just know that, if it's The Natural you want, The Natural is not what you're going to get.

Sugar, shot and directed with a loving eye for unique and carefully observed details, is one of the most fascinating and original perspectives on the immigrant experience that I've ever seen. It reminds me a bit of Maria Full of Grace, which is another powerful reminder that lots of people end up in the United States and building their lives here in ways that you don't typically imagine.

This clip from a Japanese TV show features adorable baby red pandas, which are also known as Lesser Pandas and Firefoxes. (So that's what the Mozilla Firefox logo is!) Nothing particularly exciting happens in this video, except for a baby panda trying to steal a Japanese girl's dinner and smacking her around while she is sleeping. Watch:

That’s right, after being denied Wednesdays and exiled to Tuesdays, I have returned to posting on Sundays. Fortunately with Prince’s complicated posting procedures (do I really need to write my posts while sitting naked in front of a webcam?) I don’t have to actually write my posts on Sundays. So it’s not getting in the way of my generally doing nothing on Sunday.

Hopefully this new schedule will stick. I’d hate to become one of those TV shows that the networks kill by moving around from night to night until no one knows when to watch it and the ratings finally get low enough to pull the plug. Maybe Prince feels threatened by me and wants to make sure I don’t build up any sort of following. Don’t worry, Prince, I’m the It’s Like, You Know... to your Seinfeld.

Or maybe he’s just giving people what they want: more Prince. After all, I’m not just a contributor to Bamboo Nation; I’m also an avid reader. Nothing can perk up a dreary work day better than a few well written thoughts plucked from Prince’s mind. I happily bow to him and take my place on the Sunday schedule.

But if he tries to move me again, I’ll cut him.

[Alan Goy also blogs at Experiment Farm.]

Photo by Aaron Lee Fineman
(click to enlarge)

I can't remember if I mentioned on Prince's blog that my wife and I are pregnant with our first child—due date is November 14. Anyhow, on the Friday night before Halloween, my wife went into early labor. Evidently, early labor can last up to two weeks from what I am told. The next night there was a Halloween rave in New York City called Maskarave, put on by a promoter named Scotto, whom I know from back in the day. (Scotto is the guy who was responsible for bringing NASA parties to NYC, like the one they tried to depict in the movie Kids).

This is where I have to say how much I love my wife. It takes a very special woman to let her husband go out to a rave while she lays at home in labor. I look forward to telling our child about that Halloween night when we thought s/he might be born. And how I was at a rave, making photographs like this one and checking my phone every 30-45 minutes to make sure I would not miss anything at home. I should add that as of my writing this post the baby is still baking in the oven.

[For more work by Aaron Lee Fineman, visit www.aaronleefineman.com.]

Just about every film critic in the United States has done a real hatchet job on Gentlemen Broncos (reviews have been dismal), which just goes to show you how out of touch they are with the audience this movie is intended for—namely, me and my friends. Four of us went, thought it was hilarious, and had tears streaming down our faces because we were laughing so hard. Three of us were slightly buzzed, sure, but I swear I was stone-cold sober.

Anyway, I won't go into it too much because I'm not even supposed to be blogging on weekends, but I felt I had to emerge to make sure you see this film if you're in one of the few cities it's playing—I'm not sure how long it's going to last in theaters. Just know that it's the third film from the folks who brought you Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre, both of which I found hysterically funny (the former more so). If those films are up your proverbial alley, then the even weirder and more absurd Gentlemen Broncos will give you a comedy boner. (If you thought those first two litmus-test movies were annoying trifles, dear god, stay away.)



By the way, the Gentlemen Broncos website is pretty awesome.

When you have a stubborn, dirty "va-jay-jay," why not turn to the douche both moms and daughters can share and love? Massengil's Oxydouche sanitizes even the most stubborn sexual repression! Also works on polishing silver! Oh, Mom, you know everything! Watch:



[Louise Larsen also blogs at Louise on the Left.]

A news reporter nabbed an on-camera interview with Levi Johnston and his lawyer (or manager? I'm not sure) about the heartbreaking (in my opinion) Twitter scandal! Watch:



I promise I will do everything in my power to not write about Levi Johnston again until his Playgirl hits the newsstands. (The magazine in now an online-only publication, but they're doing a special print run to accommodate Levi's cock.)

In one of the most tragic twists in Bamboo Nation history, after I've been obsessively following the Twitter account of Levi Johnston for weeks now, it has just been reveled that that account is fake! The person who's been posting the sometimes sublime messages is an impostor, and the real live soon-to-be-completely-naked-for-Playgirl Levi Johnston is pissed. After Conan O'Brien featured William Shatner performing the fake Levi's Twitter messages as beat poetry a couple nights ago, the real Levi demanded an apology. Last night, Conan kind of said sorry. Watch:



I can't believe I've been duped! Again! And now how will I occupy my time?! This is the worst day ever!

[Thanks Bamboo Nation reader John for the alert.]

Is my mind in the gutter, or is this commercial for the Oozenater—and, in fact, the entire concept of the Oozenater itself—just dripping with inappropriate innuendo? Those of you who who decry gay porn should decry this ad instead. Watch:

Oh, oh, oh, when Prince talks about Levi Johnston's Twitter account, you ignore him! But when William Shatner performs Levi Johnston's Twitter posts as beat poetry, then you listen. Further proof that I am always ahead of the curve. Watch:



By the way, William Shatner has done this before with Sarah Palin.

[Update 11.05.09 @ 12:10 p.m.: Levi Johnston has locked his Twitter account! I can't view it any more! Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh! Heeeeeeeeeelp!]

Scary Pork Chop:



Where's Pork Chop?:

It was a slow news day in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Watch:

Since I'm notorious for not reading novels, people never ask me, "What're you reading?" (Don't they realize that I read tons of nonfiction?! Don't they know who I am?!) But I do get asked, "What're you listening to?" Well, I've got three albums in heavy rotation on my MP3 player right now. These are them:

Dead Man's Bones by Dead Man's Bones (2009). Did you know Ryan Gosling, who wowed me in Half Nelson and who I have declared my undying love for, started a rock band? Yeah, he could've turned out to be the ass of my jokes (I have a natural suspicion of actors-turned-musicians), but Dead Man's Bones is like the deformed lovechild of Oingo Boingo and a 50s doo-wop group, conceived on a Halloween night, with a children's choir and a bucket of blood thrown on top of it all for good measure. Don't know what that might sound like? Listen to the irresistibly catchy "Pa Pa Power" from their debut album, which was released last month, for a faint idea of what I'm talking about:



Raditude by Weezer (2009). Rivers Cuomo and crew continue to make dorky cool with their new party album. They've lost a lot of street cred because they've become so rich and famous, but why begrudge people who are having a damn good time and who want nothing more than for you to have a good time too? Surely you've heard the new album's fun lead track, "(If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To":



By the way, Raditude was available for download on Amazon for $3.99 the last time I checked.

The Magic of Boney M. by Boney M. (2006). Since Boney M. couldn't be downloaded from Rhapsody or Amazon or even iTunes, I had to order this greatest hits collection on CD through the mail. Where am I living?! Communist Russia in the 80s?! Anyway, I will never ever tire of Boney M.'s disco version of "Sunny." Never!:

You're not going to want to believe that the following trailer is for a real movie, but, oh, it is. Gooby is aimed at children, but why do I suspect that this flick is probably as horrifying as The Ring? Watch:

Nothing can make you feel like an underachiever like a news story about a five-year-old girl who managed to save her mother's life after a horrible crash. Yup, I don't see this item as a source of inspiration, but as something to undercut my own life achievements. According to The Montreal Gazette:

LUNDBRECK, Alta. – Nikki Butler has always known her five-year-old daughter Mary was special. Now she’s calling the little girl her hero.

Mary and Nikki Butler of Lundbreck, about 200 kilometres south of Calgary, were travelling through the Crowsnest Pass when the mother’s truck hit a patch of black ice. It slid across the road, hit a guardrail and flipped four times down a steep embankment.

Once the vehicle came to a stop, the girl saw that her mother was bleeding from a gash on her forehead.

She had also lost consciousness.

Mary tried to wake her, but there was no response.

“She didn’t sit beside me and cry,” said Nikki, 30.

“Somehow, she knew she had to do something, so she got help.”

The mother says the five-year-old unbuckled her seatbelt, climbed through the rear passenger window of the truck — which was caved in above where the child was sitting — and climbed 45 metres up the steep, rock- and snow-covered embankment to the edge of Highway 3.

She threw her arms in the air and flagged down the first vehicle she saw, which happened to be a sanding truck.

“She told (the driver) her mom was in trouble,” said Nikki, who’s recovering at home after spending six days in Calgary’s Foothills Hospital after the Oct. 13 incident.

“We were so far down the hill that he didn’t even see us. No one would have seen us. I can’t even imagine what would have happened if she didn’t go for help.”

Nikki had her broken arm repaired with steel plates. Her broken nose was rebuilt, a smashed cheekbone repaired, and she received 200 sutures to close a cut from ear to ear across her forehead. She fractured several vertebrae in her neck.

She doesn’t remember the crash.

“All I know is I hit black ice and woke up in hospital three days later.”

After she was released from hospital, Nikki visited the crash site and walked down the embankment to where the truck landed.

She struggled to walk back up the hill and is “baffled” that her young daughter was able to make the hike on her own.

Nikki asked Mary days after the crash why she did what she did that afternoon.

“She said, ‘I needed to save my mom because I love my mom.’ ”

Mary sustained two bruises on her hips in the crash, her mother said.

Man, I can barely walk through Griffith Park without wheezing.

Okay, fine, this story is heartwarming, that girl deserves mad props, and I want her to watch over me on my deathbed.

Even after studying the following video very carefully, I still don't know what it is! Is it an extended public service announcement from the 80s? Is it a subtle parody of such PSAs? Or is it understated sketch comedy spliced in between serious educational footage? Help! What the fuck is this?! Watch:



[Thanks to The Bilerico Project.]

How much do I love 24? I love it so much that the fine folks at East West Players, where I sometimes teach playwriting, know never to schedule my classes on Mondays. I am reminded of this hard and fast rule because Fox just released the official trailer for Season 8! It gives us a glimpse of what's to come without any major spoilers (the way they fucked it up last year). Watch:



Freddie Prinze Jr. is joining the cast! Remember Freddie Prinze Jr.?! Be still my beating crotch!

I would normally object to people secretly taking pictures of me while I am taking an afternoon nap—seriously creepy!—but this photo that I stumbled upon while cleaning out the memory card on my camera is granted my approval because it is partially Pork Chop's fault. And what Pork Chop wants, Pork Chop gets!:



And, yes, this is how I take naps—on the bed sideways, in my street clothes, and with my glasses on. Don't you?

Giving Riskay's infamous "Smell Yo Dick" a run for its hip-hop money is a song I just heard called "Shit'n on You Hoe." Everybody loves a good cat fight, but Geisha takes woman-on-woman aggression to an extreme you didn't even know was possible. Watch and learn (and probably not safe for work):

I don’t know if Prince has ever watched a baseball game in his life, but all Americans should have to watch at least one World Series in their lifetime. Baseball is, after all, the national pastime. It’s an excuse to sit down on a warm summer day in front of a big green field and talk to your friends, and occasionally something exciting happens. People who call baseball boring miss the point of it. It’s not supposed to be nonstop excitement. It’s supposed to be relaxing. It’s suppose to stimulate conversation. It’s supposed to, well, pass the time.

The World Series is a little bit different. After 162 games and 6 playoff series, 30 teams have been whittled down to 2. Now they get 7 games to decide who gets to be the World Champion. It’s late October so the games are colder and darker, and there’s more at stake. The teams go all out. Suddenly starting pitchers are coming in out of the bullpen, unknown players emerge as heroes, and stars become super-stars.

But if there was ever a World Series for Prince to watch, this would be it. Why? Because it features the New York Yankees going for their 27th world title. That’s more then a quarter of all World Series ever played. They are the juggernaut. The giant corporation. They are the team everyone hates, except for the millions of people who love them. Either way, the Yankees playing in a World Series is a win-win for everyone. You can either sit there confidently rooting for them, or you can root against them. It’s perfect.

What’s more American than rooting for the Yankees? What’s more American than rooting against the Yankees?

By the time this posts, 3 of the 7 games will already have been played, but it’s not too late for Prince to jump on the bandwagon. Turn your TV to the game today or the terrorists win! You don’t want that on your head, do you, Prince? Besides, you can take the opportunity to ogle two of the game’s most attractive players: Derek Jeter and A-Rod. I mean, come on Prince: a player called "a rod"...how can you pass that up?

[Alan Goy also blogs at Experiment Farm.]

Photo by Aaron Lee Fineman
(click to enlarge)

Paco's last Halloween costume, one of the Pup-a-razzi. He's trick-or-treating in doggie heaven this year. I wonder if dogs do ding-dong-dash with flaming bags of their own poop.

[For more work by Aaron Lee Fineman, visit www.aaronleefineman.com.]