Believe it or not, many years ago I was certified in CPR and trained in first aid because I worked at a preschool. These days, if you collapsed in front of me, I wouldn't remember the first thing about keeping you alive. Yup, you're screwed. And dead. So, it was with great interest that I visited the American Heart Association's Be the Beat website, which Joanne worked on and which MC Lars wrote a rap for. A rap about CPR. A rap that could very well save your life if you're around me and your heart stops...as long as I remember the lyrics. Watch:



Visit Be the Beat.

Another slow news day, South Carolina? Watch:



[Thanks to John H.]

It's time to revisit Bamboo Nation's greatest hits of 2009. According to Google Analytics, the following posts that were written in 2009 turned out to be the most widely read. See if you can spot some running themes....

1.
Introducing the Grandview Topless Coffee Shop!, wherein a spunky new business in Maine marries coffee and boobs.

2.
Are You as Afraid of Chinese People as Much as I Am? Apparently So, wherein we discover that people are scared shitless of Asians.

3.
Prayer Cross Necklace Miraculously Reveals the Lord's Prayer!, wherein a serious commercial for religious jewelry makes me laugh hysterically (and people in the comments don't get why it's so damn funny!).

4.
Channing Tatum Used to Be an Exotic Dancer! Shakes Naked Ass Cheeks!, wherein one of our favorite actor's lurid past comes to the light of day, thanks to the video revolution.

5.
I Was at the United States of Tara Premiere and Ate Grilled Cheese Sandwiches, wherein I overlook an incredible spread in favor of childhood basics.

6.
Stuffed Animal Porn, wherein plushophiles get their jollies off a TV commercial.

7.
Dude Gets Caught Masturbating in His Car in Public, wherein a dude gets caught...well... you know the rest.

8.
Hot Naked Swedish Dancing; or: Just Another Night of Primetime in Sweden [NSFW?], wherein a family show gets a load of ass.

9.
Levi Johnston: Shirtless at Last!, wherein our favorite political figure shows a little skin for the first time.

10.
70-Year-Old Porn Star Rocks Japan's Adult Industry, wherein we learn that you're never too old for anything.

Back in my day, when I was a wee student in grade school and college, we didn't bring laptops to class the way many students do nowadays. We took notes the old-fashioned (and better) way—with paper and a pen, like civilized people! Hand hurt from writing too much? Well, boo fucking hoo! Education should hurt! However, I must give mad props to the student in the following video who marched into his college class, sat down, and whipped out a manual typewriter. Watch:



[Thanks to Superbadfriend.]

The Huffington Post recently compiled some of the sketchiest Santas from a hilarious site called, appropriately, Sketchy Santas. Prepare to laugh at the horror:

The Hewlett-Packard computer webcam featured in the following video easily tracks Caucasian faces and moves when they move. Black people, on the other hand, now know what it feels like when machines learn how to be racist. Watch:



[Thanks to Brandon Patton.]

I wrote a new post for The Bilerico Project.



Read "Suddenly Hunky: Lance Bass."

Christmas may be over, but I am compelled to submit to you this truly awful rendition of the once-beloved carol, "O Holy Night." Rumor has it that this atrocious piece of audio has been passed around for years and its creator is unknown, while other rumors claim that it's a drunk music producer intentionally goofing gullible people like you and me. Either way, it's something to behold. Listen:

Now I know Christmas is over, but New Year's Day is less than a week away and Holiday Inn isn't really a Christmas movie. Sure, it debuted the song "White Christmas" to the world in 1942 and as a result is forever associated with Christmas. Then they went and made that movie White Christmas in 1954, which looks like it was filmed on the same set just in color and with Danny Kaye instead of Fred Astaire.

But at its heart, Holiday Inn is not just a Christmas movie, a fact my parents discovered much to their chagrin. You see they made my sisters and me watch that movie one year during the holidays as sort of a family bonding thing. Only it worked too well. We loved the movie so much that my sisters and I watched it on every holiday featured in the film.

The premise is this. New York entertainer Jim Hardy decides to leave the rat race and set up an Inn in Connecticut where he does shows on every major holiday. That way he gets about "350 days a year to kick around in." There's more to it, of course. His sometimes partner Ted Hanover (Fred Astaire) steals a couple women away from him and a couple cars get driven into a lake, but really the whole movie was just an excuse for Irving Berlin to write songs about every major holiday, making Holiday Inn suitable for viewing on:

New Year's Day: "Happy Holidays" (the link is to a remixed version)
Lincoln's Birthday: (I'll link to this one in a minute)
Washington's Birthday: "I Can't Tell a Lie" (poor quality copy)
Valentine's Day: "Be Careful, It's My Heart"
Easter: "Easter Parade"
Independence Day: "Say It With Firecrackers"
Thanksgiving: "I've Got Plenty to be Thankful For"
Christmas: "White Christmas"

Now, why should Prince watch it? For two reasons: Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire. But specifically, for two numbers, one by each.

First, the bad-ass: Fred Astaire. Not only is he the pinnacle of elegance and grace, but he's able to pull it off shitfaced drunk. After his character loses his fiancee, he drinks a bottle of Scotch and then goes to Holiday Inn, where he does a dance number with actress Marjorie Reynolds. Fred, being the method actor that he was, did a shot before each take. The one in the film was the last one:



And now for Bing Crosby. How could Prince pass up the opportunity to see Bing perform one of the most racially insensitive musical numbers off all time? Here he is in black face performing Abraham!, the Lincoln's Birthday number:



[Alan Goy also blogs at Experiment Farm.]

Photo by Aaron Lee Fineman
(click to enlarge)

The scene in Tompkins Square Park on Christmas morning. Trees that sold for $75-$100 the week before have been discarded—because, let's face it, who's wants to buy a dead tree?

[For more work by Aaron Lee Fineman, visit www.aaronleefineman.com.]

I'd say this clip alone is reason enough to bring the British tradition of "Boxing Day" to the good 'ole U.S. of A. Watch:



[Louise Larsen also blogs at Louise On The Left.]

Speaking of Brandon Patton, his clever, beautiful, and wrenchingly personal song, "Mixed-Up Modern Family," was recently nominated for "Best Story Song" by the Independent Music Awards! This is a point of personal pride because the song originated from Jukebox Stories' first full-length show and appears on our debut album. He needs your vote to win!

Listen to and/or vote for "Mixed-Up Modern Family" by Brandon Patton!

Speaking of Saturday Night Live, the show loves to play man-to-man kissing for laughs, as if it's the most hilarious thing in the world. But I don't mind the frat humor if it means seeing James Franco lock lips with men. Watch:



And what the hell is James Franco doing on General Hospital?

A playwriting class that I pioneered at East West Players' David Henry Hwang Writers Institute and that is offered only on occasion will be back in full swing this Spring. If you've got a completed play that needs some tender loving rewriting care, check it out. (It's in Los Angeles, and it's by application only, yo.)

WRITING IS REWRITING
A NEW-PLAY DEVELOPMENT WORKSHOP WITH PRINCE GOMOLVILAS

Enrollment by Application Only
Application Deadline: January 15, 2010
Notification: January 26, 2010
Workshop Begins: February 16, 2010

DESCRIPTION
This comprehensive 15-week new-play development workshop gives playwrights the opportunity to work intensively on revising a full-length play and bringing it to completion--the goal being a polished script ready for submission to theaters, festivals, and contests. The workshop features weekly lessons on different aspects of the rewriting process, writing exercises to help lead playwrights into a deeper understanding of their work, reading assignments of relevant plays by well-known authors, and group outings to play productions around town. Aside from weekly monitoring of each playwright's progress, each playwright will have two class sessions dedicated to workshopping two different drafts of his or her play. Directed feedback sessions will help playwrights realize their own unique vision and voice; equally important is participating in each other's feedback sessions, as all the playwrights will find common ground in the issues that concern them during the rewriting phase and the strength of this tight-knit community will help playwrights reach their fullest potential. The workshop will culminate in staged readings at East West Players by professional actors and directors. Enrollment is by application only, and the workshop is limited to 7 playwrights. Applicants should also note that the application process isn't necessarily an evaluation of the quality of their work, but rather of this particular instructor's ability to help improve it.

Instructor: PRINCE GOMOLVILAS
February 16, 2010-June 1, 2010
(Extra week scheduled for mid-semester break TBA )
Tuesdays from 7:00 p.m.-10:00 p.m.
Staged Readings: June 22-July 1, 2010
Location: Maryknoll Japanese Catholic Center, 222 S. Hewitt Street, Los Angeles, CA 90012
Fee: $500 (ACTS members $475)

INSTRUCTOR BIO
Prince Gomolvilas's plays include BIG HUNK O' BURNIN' LOVE (East West Players, Los Angeles, 1998), THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING (Singapore Repertory Theatre, Singapore, 2000), BEE (Lorraine Hansberry Theatre, San Francisco, 2001), and the stage adaptation of the Scott Heim novel, MYSTERIOUS SKIN (New Conservatory Theatre Center, San Francisco, 2003), which have been produced around United States and in Singapore. THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING was published by Dramatic Publishing in 2002. He received the PEN Center USA Literary Award for Drama; Beverly Hills Theatre Guild/Julie Harris Playwright Award; International Herald Tribune/SRT Playwriting Award; East West Players' Made in America Award for Outstanding Artistic Achievement for the Asian Pacific Islander Community; and grants from the National Endowment for the Arts and Wallace Alexander Gerbode Foundation. He also teaches playwriting in the Master of Professional Writing program at the University of Southern California. He received his MFA in Playwriting from San Francisco State University.

Plays that have been developed in the Writing Is Rewriting workshop include Tim Toyama & Aaron Woolfolk's BRONZEVILLE, which received an Ovation Award Nomination for Playwriting for the Robey Theatre Company production in 2009; Paul Kikuchi's IXNAY, which was produced by East West Players in 2009; and Aurelio Locsin's HELLTOWN BUFFET, which was produced by Rude Guerrilla Theater Company in 2008.

APPLICATION REQUIREMENTS

• You must have a completed draft of a full-length play.
• You must commit to attending all 15 sessions of the workshop (on time!) and all 7 staged readings (with few, if any, exceptions).
• You must agree to complete all reading assignments. Aside from reading the work of classmates, an additional 4 to 7 plays will be required reading during the course of the semester.
• You must agree to attend all play field trips. Playwrights will go to see 2 to 4 plays during the course of the semester.

SUBMISSION PROCESS

• A brief one-paragraph synopsis of your play.
• The first 10 pages of your play.
• A brief explanation of why this workshop sounds right for you.
• E-mail these items to BOTH prince@princegomolvilas.com and jliu@eastwestplayers.org by Friday, January 15, 2010. Playwrights accepted into the workshop will be notified by January 26, 2010.

(Anyone who would like to apply for a scholarship can download the application here. The postmark deadline is January 15, 2010, with notification by January 26, 2010.)

Visit the EWP/DHHWI website for more information, including info on a regular playwriting workshop.

The title is self-explanatory. Watch:

I acknowledge how revolutionary the computer and 3-D technology is, I understand how important this film is to the future of the industry, I was thrilled by the final battle sequence, I realize that everybody I know has a hard-on for it, and I love—LOVE—this director's other movies, but, man, oh, man, I had to fight to stay awake during the first two hours. (The film is 2 hours and 40 minutes or so.) Thank goodness for snack bars, and thank goodness for Milk Duds.

After the movie, I saw Ricky Jay (David Mamet regular and master magician) in the lobby of the Sherman Oaks Arclight! He looked a bit winded, so I didn't ask him to do a card trick. His card tricks blow my fucking mind. Watch:



You see? That's freaking amazing.... I wouldn't want to watch it for 2 hours and 40 minutes though.

Despite the fact that it is common knowledge that I have no talent when it comes to playing instruments (all that money wasted on electric guitar lessons could've been better spent on heroin), I have valiantly fought against my own mythology by (almost) mastering the kazoo. This is demonstrated in one of the new Jukebox Stories tracks that you're now able to stream for free on Facebook (be our fan!) and MySpace (be our friend!). "Park City Is Not L.A.," "Mixed-Up Modern Family," and "Help Me Get Paid to Talk About Myself" showcase Brandon Patton at his finest, the former song featuring me playing kazoo (almost) in key. These three tracks are also available, of course, on Jukebox Stories' debut album, The Official Bootleg, which is on CD and/or can be downloaded digitally.

If you're on Facebook, by the way, definitely join our page because we're looking for 1,000 true fans. That's all. We're ignoring Fan #1,001.

Facebook is also a good place to keep updated on all my events, Jukebox Stories-related and otherwise.

You know how much I enjoy Andy Samberg's impression of Mark Wahlberg (almost as much as I love Mark Wahlberg himself; and how much do I love Mark Wahlberg himself?; almost as much as I love Mark Wahlberg underwear ads). So here's a recent Saturday Night Live sketch that builds off of what we know and love. Watch:

###

Pork Chop's Weight Last Week:
20.0 pounds

Pork Chop's Target Weight This Week (Week #2):
19.4 pounds

Pork Chop's Ideal Weight After 15 Weeks:
15 pounds

###

Pork Chop has not tired of Soulistic wet food's Double Happiness Tuna & Crab Surimi and Celestial Feast Sardines & Tuna. But we can now add Shrimply Divine Tuna & Shrimp to his list of favorite dinnertime meals.



After the second full week on his new diet, Pork Chop's goal weight is 19.4 pounds. Well, I plopped him down on my very precise scale, and he now weighs in at...19.2 pounds! Oh my god, I can't believe he came in well under his target weight. Let this be an inspiration to you all!

But wait!

I was just informed by a veterinarian friend of mine that it may be dangerous for Pork Chop to lose more than 1% of his body weight per week. The process needs to be slow and gradual, I was told. So, I'm going to have to go seek more animal counsel, and we may have to readjust Pork Chop's weekly goals, and this may take longer than 15 weeks. More info to come.

###

Pork Chop's Weight Last Week:
20.0 pounds

Pork Chop's Target Weight This Week (Week #2):
19.4 pounds

Pork Chop's Actual Weight This Week (Week #2):
19.2 pounds

Pork Chop's Target Weight Next Week:
TBD

Pork Chop's Ideal Weight After 15 Weeks:
TBD

The winner of Bamboo Nation's latest contest, chosen by random draw, is "heartlocks19," who suggested that receiving the grand prize (a copy of Steve Lopez's The Soloist) may change her life. I guess if you set your standards low for self-transformation, then your own personal path to enlightenment will be a cakewalk. I like that idea. Anyway, congratulations heartloocks19, who also blogs at Recession Fun—all the way from the Philippines! E-mail me your mailing address, and I'll ship the book to you.

Oh, Simon's cat, I squealed with delight when you tried to wake up your human and when you tried to get indoors and when you tried to interrupt TV time and when you tried to battle a pesky housefly. So it was only natural that I would revel in your snow antics. Watch:



I'm very much looking forward to Part 2. In the meantime, I'll reminisce about how much you love lamps. Watch:

It’s that time of year again. No not the holidays. It’s College Football Bowl Season. The first two games were yesterday (but don’t worry, you didn’t miss anything) and from December 19 to January 7 there will be 33 Bowl Games and 1 National Championship Game. That’s a lot of football. Now since Prince doesn’t follow college football, I figured I’d give him this quick and easy guide to which games are worth watching.

The Emerald Bowl: December 26, 2009, 8:30 p.m., on ESPN
Sounds like something out of The Wizard of Oz, doesn’t it? Even though this game doesn’t take place in Emerald City, AT&T Park in San Francisco is so pretty it feels like another world. If that isn’t reason enough for Prince to watch, his employer USC will be competing. After 4 consecutive Rose Bowl appearances, the Trojans must be excited to finally get to leave their own backyard for a Bowl Game!

The Sugar Bowl: January 1, 2010, 7:30 p.m., on FOX
Cincinnati will try to prove that the Big East is still a major conference and that they can win without the head coach that brought them there. But we know Prince doesn’t care about that. He should watch because the possibility of seeing Tim Tebow cry on the sidelines should Florida lose is too good to pass up. Maybe Prince can comfort him.

The International Bowl: January 2, 2010, 11:00 a.m., on ESPN2
Why? Because a game pitting the Bulls vs. the Huskies sounds vaguely homoerotic. That and the Bulls head coach is being investigated for beating up one of his players at halftime of a game earlier this season. It’s worth watching just in case a fight breaks out.

The Fiesta Bowl: January 4, 2010, 7:00 p.m., on FOX
This game features Boise State vs. TCU, two undefeated teams from non-major conferences. This is the national title game for the rest of the country. Why should Prince watch? Because TCU’s nickname is the Horned Frogs. Who doesn’t like a horny toad?

The BCS National Championship Game: January 7, 2009, 7:00 p.m., on ABC
Undefeated Alabama takes on undefeated Texas for all the marbles (as long as the AP doesn’t vote Cincinnati or the winner of TCU/Boise State number 1). Prince should watch it because it’s the National Championship Game, and if he doesn’t he’ll have nothing to talk to people about on January 8th.

So that’s my Bowl guide. All times are Eastern Standard Time. Happy Bowl Season!

[Alan Goy also blogs at Experiment Farm.]

Photo by Aaron Lee Fineman
(click to enlarge)

As seen from the sidewalk in the lobby of an apartment building on East 7th Street.

[For more work by Aaron Lee Fineman, visit www.aaronleefineman.com.]

I don't know the details of this particular political showdown, but this guy is my hero all the same. It's true—I'm a sucker for anyone who channels their inner "Norma Rae" for the underdog, but this man really impressed me with his conviction and outrage. My favorite moment is at the end when he takes the words right out of my mouth regarding our own country. However, I don't want to spoil it, so you'll just have to see for yourself.Watch:



[Louise Larsen also blogs at Louise On The Left.]

There has been much heated debate here about the efficacy and the douchebag factor of Twitter, particularly around the issue of whether or not I should start tweeting, but I certainly realize that it's a medium that cannot be ignored. Everybody with even a cursory understanding of contemporary PR and marketing sings Twitter's praises, with a fanatical zeal almost as intense as my obsession with Levi Johnston's johnson.

So, I have set up a Twitter account, and I have decided that I will, as I wrote in my first and only tweet, "start posting here regularly the moment I acquire more followers than Urkel--you know, Jaleel White on 'Family Matters.' (He's at 522.)"

You know I'm serious.

So, if this is of interest to you, here is my Twitter page.

But, honestly, if you're not interested, don't follow. I'm only going to do it if people actually want such a thing from me in that particular medium. Otherwise, keep rockin' Bamboo Nation by itself, and allow me to not turn into a douchebag, which I will become if I hit the 523 mark. Oh, the things I do for you.

Maybe the best (or worst fail) interview ever. Here's what the info about this video says on YouTube: "Cranston police have arrested an alleged cyberstalker.... A local costume shop owner is accused of using a computer to harass a competitor. NBC 10's Jim Taricani attempted to question her about it in what turned out to be an unusual interview. This video is not fake. This was on our local news channel and was handled and dealt with as real news. Not a fake Internet video." Hm...okay. Well, all I have to say about her right now is that if "Booty" can fit into a Santa Suit then...she's hired! Watch (sorry for the grainy quality, but stick with it—it's worth it.)



[Louise Larsen also blogs at Louise On The Left.]

The following may or may not be real, but, either way, its brilliance cannot be denied. It's a Craigslist sex ad from Philadelphia. Now I've seen my share of Craigslist sex ads (you know...for research), but this possibly not-safe-for-work posting is head and shoulders above anything I've ever had the pleasure of laying my eyes on. Click the photo to enlarge:



You know how much I love crab meat, imitation or otherwise....

[Thanks to omgblog.com.]

The following movie trailer advertises yet another inspirational dance flick, right? No, no, wait. It actually advertises an emotional disease-of-the-week movie, right? No, no, wait. What the hell is this? And why is Satan in this movie?! Watch:

[Read "The Best Facebook Fails."]

Oh, there's so much more joy to be had this week! Click to enlarge:



###



###



###



[Thanks to The Huffington Post.]

This funny and, dare I say, gross commercial from an eyeglass business in Thailand would never make it past U.S. censors, but it sure does get its point across, doesn't it? Watch:



[Thanks to Thailand, Land of Smiles.]

LOREN: I have a $250 gift certificate for Sur La Table!

PRINCE: Cool.

LOREN: What should we get for the kitchen?

PRINCE: A snow cone machine!

LOREN: We're not getting a snow cone machine.

PRINCE: But I need a snow cone machine. I can't think of anything else that I would rather have.

LOREN: No, seriously, c'mon, what should we get? I narrowed it down to five things.

PRINCE: Why do you even ask me? You're gonna get what you want to get anyway, so it's pointless to pretend like I have a say in this.

LOREN: You do have a say in this...

PRINCE: Then let's get a snow cone machine!

LOREN: ...from the list of five things I've narrowed it down to.

PRINCE: A snow cone machine isn't on that list?

LOREN: We are not going to spend $250 on a snow cone machine.

PRINCE: It's not $250! It's a gift certificate! It's free!

LOREN: I'm getting a food processor.

As I've mentioned before, I have some goodies to give away. Let's kick things off with a nonfiction book that I would keep and read myself if I didn't already have a stack of literature I'm trying to get through.

THE PRIZE: A brand-new copy of The Soloist by Steve Lopez. "This is the true story of journalist Steve Lopez's discovery of Nathaniel Ayers, a former classical bass student at Julliard, playing his heart out on a two-string violin on Los Angeles' Skid Row. Deeply affected by the beauty of Ayers's music, Lopez took it upon himself to change the prodigy's life—only to find that their relationship has had a profound change on his own life."

THE RULES: Leave a comment—any comment—by Saturday, December 19, 2009, 11:59 p.m. If you don't have an ID you can sign in with, you can comment anonymously and leave your name or your initials; when I announce the winner, you'll know if you won and all you have to do is e-mail me to claim your prize. One winner will be chosen at random. Anyone in the world can enter, even those people who have won before.

I found out some details about Cute Asian Ukulele Boy, who previously wowed us with a cover of Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours." He is five years old, and he is Japanese. On his YouTube page, his parent (I presume) wrote:

He and I started playing ukulele only one year ago.
We first learned the uke by watching a TV program (NHK).
The program lasted three months.

It was Louise on the Left who pointed out that this kid is more than a one-trick pony. Check him out doing an adorable cover of The Beatles' "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da"...in a tie! Watch:



If that doesn't clobber you over the head with a sock full of cute, then see him jamming hard to "While My Guitar Gently Weeps." Watch:



[Thanks to Louise on the Left.]

Earlier this year, I received a series of e-mails from a girl who for some reason thought I was the musician Prince. At first I thought it was a just a lame joke (because who would think that the musician Prince's personal e-mail address would be so easy to obtain?), but, as the e-mails progressed, it became clear that this girl was seriously deluded. I figured it was because she was either very young or didn't understand technology or something like that.

I stupidly replied to the first e-mail to humor her, but she took that as an invitation to write more. Beyond my single e-mail, I didn't respond to her again.

Here, then, are all the e-mails I received from her; I have edited out her name, e-mail address, and phone number (which, by the way, has an Oklahoma area code):

from: R.
to: Prince
date: Sat, Apr 25, 2009 at 11:03 AM

happy birthday!
i hope your wishes come true.And that you are happy.
and you get what you might wish for.i love you!!! .and i hope
you have an awesome birthday.and your music is really awesome,
and so are you.and maybe i can meet you someday.
who knows,maybe i will.but i can keep dreaming.
and i wish u can come to my birthday.my birthday is on july 2.
but im moving in june.so im gonna have a earley birthday.
but i wish you can come before i move.cause i love you so very much.
but i don't have to.if you don't want to.
but i'll see ya later,but have a great birthday!!
love,your friend(maybe)
R.

###

from: R.
to: Prince
date: Sat, Apr 25, 2009 at 3:17 PM

i took a love calculator test.and for some reason,i put my name(R.) then i put your name(Prince).when it was done.it said......79%,perfect match.Get Married .then i took another part of the test and it.said...the combination might be hard to match.while the gemini is constantly on the aleart for change,the cancer ,on the other hand ,is satisfied to become a truly domesticated partner.however ,the cancer moodiness may become too much for the gemini to cope with.there would be a better compatibility in relationships where the women is a gemini and the man is a cancer.thats what it said.(but i think it makes no diffrence).
But.i (try to)write music sometimes.with my friends.but i plan to be a singer.but i might wanna go solo.and i was wondering if i can maybe......write a song(lyrics)for you.but i'll show you 1 of the ones i wrote anyway.bye bye

###

from: R.
to: Prince
date: Sun, Apr 26, 2009 at 8:54 AM

Me and my friends wrote a song for someone (you)

My friend came up with the name of it
it's called "(baby) I always loved you"

-----------------
baby I always loved you.
but all this time,you
never knew.

I had deep feeling's for you.
you have no idea
(maybe) I'll see you again

again,and again.(baby)
I wanna go to your place.
cause i wanna see you face.

All I wanna do is...
tell you to your face.
I love you baby.

so so much (you)
are my world
i love you so

I wanna tell you to your face
baby i always loved you
everyday and night.

I wanna hold you tight.
close to me,forever baby.
baby i always loved you.

baby i always loved you.
tell me that you love,me
baby.....

baby i always loved you
maybe,you can come to my place.
I wanna see your face.
I been thinking of you.
everyday and night
I wanna hold you tight.

baby i always loved you.
maybe,you can come to my place.
I wanna see your face.
I been thinking of you.
everyday and night.
I wanna hold you tight

(Repeat till fade)
-----------------------
that's the song hope you like it.
talk to you later!

###

from: R.
to: Prince
date: Sun, May 3, 2009 at 6:08 PM

I love your music.And if ever met you.I would love you as a person.And not just a person with money.i would love you for just who you are.And i bet your a really great person.inside and out.
my number (XXX-XXX-XXXX)
(i promise not tell anybody about this)
and if i don't answer my phone.
i went to my friends.or i have to baby sit.you can call whenever you want.
I'll talk to you later.
bye!

###

from: R.
to: Prince
date: Mon, May 4, 2009 at 11:25 AM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Hope your birthday wishes come true.
And you'll always have people who love you,
like me.And I want to let you know.That I will
always love you.No matter what happens.
I will always love you.And your a really awesome person.
And i bet your a good person.(on a diffrent subject),I had many dreams about you.
There was this one dream I had about you.Where we were holding hands.And I was
laying my head on your lap.And you stroking my hair (head).Then i said "I love you".
well happy birthday

###

from: R.
to: Prince
date: Thu, May 7, 2009 at 5:39 PM

me and my friend write are own songs sometimes.
If you want to hear some.Just call this number (XXX)-XXX-XXXX.
If no one anwsers,,,we went some where.
(diffrent subject)
I had this dream where you where laying by my side.in the middle of the night.
And you had your arms around me.and me saying i love you.then you said i love you to.
then I layed my head on your lap.and you were stroking my hair (head) and you and i said at the same time "i love you".i really love.i bet i'll love also as a person.bye bye

###

from: R.
to: Prince
date: Sun, May 17, 2009 at 7:20 PM

happy birthday.i love u.bye...

###

from: R.
to: Prince
date: Mon, Jul 20, 2009 at 5:33 PM

Your music is awesome!!!!!.Ever since i saw the video "When Doves Cry" i have had sexual fantascy's about you all the time.(I still do!) This feels akward for me,But I love you!!! alot.(still feels akward!) here's my number (XXX)-XXX-XXXX.If i don't anwser (my phone is dead),or just leave a voice mail. (pleaseeeee!) Love ya

I wrote a new post for The Bilerico Project.



Read "Brokeback and Bruno Top List of Highest-Grossing LGBT-Related Films of the 2000s."

When I first saw the commercial for a product called a "Handjob," I thought it had to be a joke. I mean, there's nothing strange about a grip pad that helps you open tight jars—I believe there may be one in my kitchen. But, again, this particular product is called a Handjob, for Christ's sake, and the people who made the funny ad seem to be in on it:



I went to the product's website, ineedahandjob.com, and it appears to be a legitimate product that you can indeed buy and have shipped to you.

I never would've imagined that you could get two handjobs for under five bucks, but I guess things are tough all over.

[Crossposted on The Bilerico Project.]

Many of you who tried to view the video embedded in the post, "Asian Boy Plays Jason Mraz's 'I'm Yours' on Ukulele," were unable to, due to technical difficulty. The clip is now working properly.

Go there now to see why I want to buy one of these children.

[See the series archive here.]

###

Pork Chop's Weight Last Week:
20.1 pounds

Pork Chop's Target Weight This Week (Week #1):
19.7 pounds

Pork Chop's Ideal Weight After 15 Weeks:
15 pounds

###

We've just completed Pork Chop's first full week on his new diet, and here's where Pork Chop's 15-Week Weight-Loss Challenge gets really exciting. Will Pork Chop end up being "the biggest loser?"

In the mornings, he gets fed a blend of his favorite dry cat food, Hill's Science Diet Adult Indoor Cat Food...



...and Nutro Max Cat Indoor Weight Control Adult Cat Food.



This particular type of Science Diet dry food is very good for Pork Chop because of the hefty size of the kibble. The bits are big enough that he has to bite down on them and chew before swallowing.



There are other kinds of Science Diet food and other brands that have small-sized kibble, which Pork Chop will swallow whole, like he was a damn whale or something. We like him to bite and chew. Biting and chewing your food is good.

In the evenings, Pork Chop has been trying out different flavors of Soulistic wet cat food. As I mentioned in my previous post, when we've experimented with wet food in the past, Pork Chop would only lick the gravy. Well, there are some Soulistic flavors that drive him nuts with pleasure, and he will dig into the meat like the carnivore he is. He loves Double Happiness Tuna & Crab Surimi and Celestial Feast Sardines & Tuna. We tried another brand too and discovered that he doesn't like beef so much. Anyway, we're still cycling through flavors, so we'll have a more comprehensive list of his likes and dislikes in the future.

So at the end of Pork Chop's first full week on this challenge, it was time for the weigh-in. I made sure to do the weigh-in after he had taken a dump, just to give him a slight advantage. Now remember, he started out at 20.1 pounds, and this week his goal weight was 19.7 pounds.

We put Pork Chop on the scale, and he weighed...

20.0 pounds!

He was short of his goal by 0.3 pounds. But can we all acknowledge that he did manage to lose 0.1 pounds, which translates to 1.6 whole ounces? (Come to think of it, that poo he made looks like it weighs 1.6 ounces. Hmmmmm....)

###

Pork Chop's Weight Last Week:
20.1 pounds

Pork Chop's Target Weight This Week (Week #1):
19.7 pounds

Pork Chop's Actual Weight This Week (Week #1):
20.0 pounds

Pork Chop's Target Weight Next Week:
19.4 pounds

Pork Chop's Ideal Weight After 15 Weeks:
15 pounds

I helped create an online paranormal experience that ties in the A&E series, Paranormal State (yup, it's one of those ghost-hunting shows!), and Facebook. Take a look, and see if it manages to creep you out a bit. I already know that the hardcore Paranormal State fans love it (yup, there are hardcore fans of ghost-hunting shows!), but what about you?

Turn up your sound, and check out the Paranormal State Paranormal Experience. And re-post on Facebook and elsewhere if you are so inclined.

Oh, you don't want to think this is cute and funny. But it's cute. And it's funny. A young Asian boy strums Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" on a ukulele, while mumbling a smattering of lyrics and making adorable facial expressions. Goddamn, this kid is cute. I want one. Where do I buy it? Watch:

I was four years old when the holidays rolled around in 1978. (The geeks among you have all let out a groan knowing exactly which holiday special I’m about to reference.) Even at that age, I was already a huge Star Wars fan. I ate, lived, and breathed Star Wars. The movie had come out over a year earlier, and The Empire Strikes Back wouldn’t come out for another two. In the days without Internet video, DVDs, or DVRs and before VCRs were ubiquitous, a hungry nation yearned for anything Star Wars-related. Unfortunately, the need to feed this unsated market coincided with the popularity of bad 70s variety show television programming. The result was the Star Wars Holiday Special, which has been called “the worst two hours of television ever”.

It only aired in its entirety once, on November 17, 1978, and my little four-year-old self could not wait for that day to come fast enough. I still remember climbing down to our basement family room with its paneling-lined walls and red, white, and blue-checked carpeting (the result of the previous owners redecorating the house in the midst of the bicentennial) and plopping myself down on dad’s old red chair to watch it.

Less than five minutes into it, I turned it off. It was so mind-numbingly bad that even my 4-year-old Star Wars-addicted self couldn’t bear to watch the damn thing. Like most people, as I got older, I convinced myself that it had all been a dream, but it wasn’t a dream. It was George Lucas’s worst nightmare. He once said, “If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of that show and smash it.”

About five years ago, at an “orphan Thanksgiving,” someone had it on their laptop and someone started playing it. I watched about 20 minutes of it before I had to flee into the kitchen.

How bad is it? It features, and I kid you not, Art Carney, Harvey Korman, and Bea Arthur with performances by Diahann Carroll (that an old Wookie watches in some strange virtual reality sex chair) and Jefferson Starship (well, of course, because they have “starship” in their name!). The plot revolves around a made up holiday called “Life Day,” and the principal film characters all make brief cameos. Perhaps the most famous one is Carrie Fischer as Princess Leia singing the Life Day song to the Star Wars tune at the end. She was reportedly so wasted on various substances that she could barely stand.

To this day, I have never seen the entire thing. I couldn’t even make it through the entire clip below of the aforementioned song (watch as Carrie Fischer clings to Chewbacca for support). If you’re really brave, or perhaps just insane, you can watch the entire special here, but I don’t recommend it…to anyone. Especially not Prince. In his sick and fragile state, it just might put him into a coma.



[Alan Goy also blogs at Experiment Farm.]

Photo by Aaron Lee Fineman
(click to enlarge)

Okay, so I am an addict. And I was told that the first step to recovery is to admit that one has an addiction. Mind you, my addiction is not an unhealthy one. But it's an addiction nonetheless. I realized that I had this addiction when it came time for me to write this week's blog post. That despite the hundreds of photographs that I take each week, the past month is mostly filled with photographs of my son. So, in an effort to keep my promise about not posting photos of my son too frequently, I would like to share with you this photograph that I took at a Korean deli on 1st Avenue in NYC.

[For more work by Aaron Lee Fineman, visit www.aaronleefineman.com.]

'Tis the season to decorate and show up for holiday parties dressed like Santa. Well, thanks to Miss "Glowpinkstah," we finally have our "Santa Make Up Tutorial!" And she's so right—nothing here looks like it cost $1.99. Watch:



Also, since it is Saturday morning, I've decided this means I should occasionally add some actual cartoons to my Saturday morning assignments. So here's a little vintage winter-themed animated short for your seasonal viewing pleasure. It's a classic Ub Iwerks short from 1934, showing our friend Mr. Jack Frost at work. Watch:



(Jack Frost was directed and produced by Ub Iwerks, who became Walt Disney's foremost animator/collaborator in the formative early years. Animated by Al Eugster. Music score Carl Stalling, the Warner Brothers music legend)

Okay, enjoy! And don't eat the whole box of Cap'n Crunch before mom and dad wake up.



[Louise Larsen also blogs at Louise on the Left.]

Other contributors will keep things going as I contemplate life (and this cold).

Here's ten full hours of cat footage converted into a 30-second time lapse video. Look at all the exciting adventures these two felines get into when their owner is away! Remind you of a certain cat known unto you? Watch:



By the way, I can't believe those cats are allowed on the coffee table. Pork Chop would never do something so uncouth.

As you may know, Google pretty much rules every part of my online existence. However, I have no idea what the new invitation-only Google Wave is.

But when I saw on Facebook that Jason from Is That a Gavel in Your Pants? had some invites to give away, I was on it like a whore on money.

I don't really know what I'm supposed to do with Google Wave yet and I'm not sure I should really care, but that's not the point. The point is that I have it and you don't.

But, alas, I have eight invitations I am allowed to give out to people. Do you want it? Do you want it?!

After I posted the preposterous but nonetheless plausible video of the religious rap song, "Christian Side Hug," the folks over at Doodie Pants pointed out in the comments section that the abstinence-only tune was a spoof. What does it say about modern-day religion that a song so absurd can easily be believed to be true?

For the story behind the song, visit Doodie Pants.