Hot off the heels of The Last Airbender, director M. Night Shyamalan has set his sights on his next project: a live-action feature film based on Aaron McGruder's The Boondocks, an animated TV series on Adult Swim (as well as a comic strip) that follows the adventures of an African-American family in a suburb of Illinois.

While official pre-production has yet to begin, Shyamalan has already locked in his cast.

Huey Freeman will be played by High School Musical's Lucas Grabeel:



Riley Freeman will be played by teen singing sensation Justin Bieber:



And Robert "Grandad" Freeman will be played, of course, by Mel Gibson:



Shyamalan, who also wrote the screenplay for The Boondocks feature, had intended to also star in the movie as himself. In the script, Shyamalan visits the Freeman boys' school to give a talk about race relations.

However, due to a demanding production schedule, Shyamalan has backed off from costarring in the film. Slumdog Millionaire's Dev Patel had begged for the role, but Shyamalan insisted that he be played by a random male underwear model:



* Okay, so this story isn't real. But The Last Airbender controversy is. More information is here and here.

I may be a cat person, but I understand why the creator of Lassie chose to make her a dog and not a cat. If you're in mortal danger, would you really want to rely on Cat Lassie? Watch this clip from a very short-lived 2001 sketch-comedy show titled The Downer Channel:

[This post marks the first in a series that goes behind the scenes of the Los Angeles premiere production of my stage adaptation of Mysterious Skin, based on the novel by Scott Heim, at East West Players.]

Last week, East West Players sent me the proposed casting breakdown for Mysterious Skin, which emphasizes the production's all-Asian twist. It's a stroke of revisionist casting that is, by the way, 100% Scott Heim-approved—which, incidentally, is important to me because I don't want Scott to flame me on Facebook. (Just kidding—Scott and I are dear friends.... But if anybody has the chops to launch a massive Facebook flame war, it's Scott. Seriously.)

Anyway, the breakdown looks like this:

BRIAN LACKEY: male, Asian American/South Asian/mixed Asian, who must convincingly play age 18. Shy, introverted, a bit uncomfortable, not able to fit in socially. Small in stature. Seeking an actor who is comfortable in mature situations.

NEIL MCCORMICK: male, Asian American/South Asian/mixed Asian, who must convincingly play 18. Outgoing, adventurous, lives on the edge, a gay street hustler with a heart that is constantly searching for love. Seeking an actor who is comfortable in mature situations. Some nudity.

AVALYN FRIESEN: Early 30s, female, Asian American/South Asian/mixed Asian, an unremarkable woman who is emotionally immature and lives in a fictional world in which she can find comfort.

BENJAMIN: 40s-50s, MARTIN: 30s-40s, PHILIP: 30s-40s, CHARLIE: 40s-50s, MAN: 30s-40s: all played by the same actor, male, Asian American/South Asian/mixed Asian, to play various character roles.

ERIC, CHRISTOPHER: late teens, played by the same actor, male, Asian American/South Asian/mixed Asian, youthful optimism but with an edge.

DEBORAH: 20s, MARGARET: 30s-40s, WENDY: 18, RECEPTIONIST: 40s: all played by the same actor, female, Asian American/South Asian/mixed Asian, to play various character roles.

Send resume and photo to:
Casting
East West Players
120 N. Judge John Aiso Street
Los Angeles, CA 90012

Or e-mail:
casting@eastwestplayers.org

Auditions: July 15, 2010
Callbacks: July 19, 2010
Rehearsals Begin: August 10, 2010
Opening: September 15, 2010
Closing: October 10, 2010

AEA Contract: LOA to Bay Area Theaters Contract
Non-Union Actors: Stipend provided

I swear, I swear, I swear—the "some nudity" in the play is not my doing! Blame Scott Heim!

Anyway, the casting notice went out to Actors Access, and is of course on the East West Players site. I believe actors will be required to present a short monologue and read sides from the play, though I personally would like to see them make sandwiches on stage. It's an art!

What's the best gauge of a man's athletic skills? Well, it's all about boobies. And not touching them. Or he will get electrocuted. Okay, that really doesn't make any sense, but has Japanese TV ever made sense? Watch:

At last week's Customs & Departures event, I performed a monologue titled "21 Reasons Why This Movie Sucks." The piece, which originally debuted in 2008's Jukebox Stories: The Case of the Creamy Foam, is a delightfully biting takedown of the movie, 21. Well, two years later, I've updated the monologue so that I could bitch-slap The Last Airbender too. Hard. Really hard. (I'm not one for subtly, am I? AM I?!) Watch:





Video of the entire Customs & Departures event is forthcoming!

There were so many Thai Americans at last night's big Customs & Departures event at USC that I do believe it caused a rift in the space-time continuum. (But, as event assistant Quincy would point out, "just a THAI-ny one." He's not one to exaggerate The Importance of Things as much as I do, you see—but he sure is handy with a bad pun!)

It was actually a very diverse (and enthusiastic) crowd, but I couldn't help but take note of all the Thais who represented—and who were so appreciative that we featured writers exist.

You mean, I don't have to be talented and smart? All I have to do is exist? I'll take it!

But you know what? Novelist/TV writer Cherry Chevapravatdumrong, memoirist Ira Sukrungruang, and poet Pimone Triplett are talented—and smart and sweet and sincere to boot. Check out that picture—that's what Thai-American writers look like. And if you say all our full names five times fast, you're eyes will start to bleed curry.

We read from our work; we had a freewheeling discussion about identity, writing, and our crazy-ass names; we signed our books; we mingled with the crowd; and we ate Thai food because, you know, if they catered, say, bangers and mash, I would've vomited on it. (A shout out to PEN Center USA and MPW, event hosts, for a perfect evening.)

(Video documentation of the event—for your viewing pleasure and cultural stimulation—will be available soon and presented to you in bite-sized chunks over the next few weeks. I'll also tell you about the writers' books, which you have to buy and cherish like a newborn puppies. If you don't, yeah, you're a fascist. Or imperialist. Whichever personally sounds worse for you.)

After we closed up shop, Cherry and I (who are L.A. residents) drove Pimone and Ira (who are visiting from Washington and Florida, respectively) to their hotel, the Westin Bonaventure, which looks like a Vegas mall inside. (That's not a complaint by the way; that's a statement of reverence.) We had a round of drinks (a diet cherry Roy Rogers for me) and chatted about secret Thai-American writer things that I will never share. Ah, the benefits of membership.

Longtime Bamboo Nation readers (holla!) may remember that I used to do a series of posts under the heading "Dutch Watch," which highlighted how freaking cool the Netherlands are. (Check out those posts here.) After an unintended 18-month "Dutch Watch" hiatus, I present to you a video clip of an American man at a Dutch music festival. Apparently, his mother told him to always wash his hands after he uses the toilet, and he complies like the hygienic guy he has grown up to be. But...but...oh, the horror! Watch:

So Brandon Patton calls me up a few weeks ago asking to crash at my place when he's visiting Los Angeles. But it wasn't until recently that I found out why—he's playing bass for a British ex-boy band member (James Bourne of Busted, now known as "Future Boy"). This vital piece of information you keep from me?! Brandon and I really have been away from each other for too long. You simply don't withhold boy-band connections from me like that.

All right, let's go to YouTube to find out what this Future Boy business is all about. (No, I didn't ask.)

Ah, a fan-made music video for a song called—I'm serious—"Karate on My Heart":



Did he really sing "judo on my soul"?!

A case of summer allergies, perhaps? Someone shoot that cub with a tranquilizer gun full of Benadryl! Watch:

I'm not going to say much about Toy Story 3 other than the fact that, if you don't love it, you're an asshole. (Pixar films, I believe, are the greatest litmus test for asshole-ish-ness.) It's far and away the best in the series (the screenplay was written by Little Miss Sunshine's Michael Arndt), and I got choked up at the end like a little bitch! (You did too. Unless you're an asshole.)

But enough about that. This post is about Day & Night, the short film that precedes the feature.

Pixar has consistently churned out entertaining shorts—they're even deeply moving on occasion. Partly Cloudy, One Man Band, For the Birds—all winners.

But Day & Night is so original, so imaginative, so funny, and so thematically rich that it really does shoot straight to the top of all Pixar shorts. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Pixar, for existing!

Did you love? Did you cry? Are you an asshole?

My 15-week Writing Is Rewriting workshop at East West Players' David Henry Hwang Writers Institute is over and done with, but my students are just starting to really crap their pants right now. You see, this week is the DHHWI New Works Festival, and the seven plays that I hand-selected to be developed will be presented as staged readings by professional directors and actors—a usually stellar powerhouse of talent that makes all four of my cheeks blush. If you're in Los Angeles, check out some of the action if you can. I'm proud of the work these cuh-razy kids have done.

DHHWI NEW WORKS FESTIVAL

Tuesday, June 22, 2010 @ 8 p.m.
FORTUNE WHEEL
by Joey Damiano
John, a former U.S. Marine, has recently come home after serving in Iraq. He wants what any self-respecting American desires: a good job, a nice house, and an existence free of family drama. However, when John's never-do-well mother Betsy moves in, traumas old and new threaten to derail their lives. The story of a son and mom who combat alcoholism, post-traumatic stress, annoying ghosts, game show addiction, and, worst of all, each other.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010 @ 8 p.m.
POSTAL AMERICANA
by Alison M. De La Cruz
For the last five years Joanne has been sleep walking through her life. She daydreams flashbacks of her childhood hero, Joseph the Mail Man, and wakes in 2004 to the nightmare of losing her house and marriage. Forced to move back in with her dad and reconcile the losses of her life, she seeks advice from the angel of Joseph Ileto. Is it coincidence, signs from the universe, or simply five years of unopened bills?

Friday, June 25, 2010 @ 8 p.m.
AMERICAN VIDEO GAME INTERNATIONAL CHAMPION OF THE UNIVERSE
Music, Book, & Lyrics by Howard Ho
A musical reading! It's 1979, and the Tendo Video Game era is just about to begin. Billy's got troubles with his alcoholic single mother. But with the help of his best friend Sally and arcade owner Walter, Billy enters a video game championship that will change all of their lives and maybe even that of Tendo itself.

Saturday, June 26, 2010 @ 1 p.m.
THREE STEPS BACK
by Peter J. Kuo
Buddy Christ has started following Cassandra on Twitter. Angela is seconds away from going Lorena Bobbitt on her adulterous husband (unless he commits suicide first). Once you think you've pinned down everyone's quirks, a new perspective will have you retracing your steps in this dark comedy.

Saturday, June 26, 2010 @ 3 p.m.
HEAD ACHES
by Aurelio Locsin
Middle-aged Ricardo, a Filipino-American canine cop, wants to make peace with his son, wife, father, and dog. Unfortunately, his coma makes communication impossible. Can the objects of his affection help him handle family, child-rearing, sexuality, and love before it's too late?

Saturday, June 26, 2010 @ 5 p.m.
WRINKLES
by Paul Kikuchi
Unbeknownst to his daughter and grandson, 73-year-old Nisei Harry Fukutani is an Internet sensation! But to view his work, one has to turn off the parental filter and have a valid credit card. A sticky comedy about sex, lies, and Tiger Balm.

Saturday, June 26 @ 8 p.m.
MIDNIGHT MAKEOUT SESSION
by Dante Basco
Three friends face life after their 20s—looking ahead for what's to come, while yearning to recapture the magic moments of their teens in regard to women and love. Slow jams, slow-dancing, and revisiting your first kiss: the "Midnight Makeout Session."

For more information, go here.

Next in an apparently continuing series of videos that showcase "Super Mario Bros."-inspired Japanese artistry comes a formally dress violist who performs the "Super Mario Bros." music live as the video game plays out on a TV screen. Take that, Philip Glass! What's next? "Super Mario Bros." hentai? (If this already exists, heaven help us all.) Watch this dude:

Most everything I have to say about The Last Airbender was pretty much articulated in my monologue, "21 Reasons Why This Movie Already Sucks," the central piece of my show, Jukebox Stories: The Case of the Creamy Foam, in 2008. (Read the piece in its entirety here.) That monologue detailed how Hollywood whitewashed an Asian-American story, setting the API community back years, decades even.

Well, it's 2010, and it's happening all over again—with South Asian director M. Night Shyamalan at the helm, no less. The original animated series' Asian and Inuit lead characters are now being played by white actors in the live-action adaptation. Caving to pressure, Shyamalan did cast one ethnic lead—Slumdog Millionaire's Dev Patel plays the bad guy.

The Los Angeles Times recently dissected the controversy in a much-circulated think piece, but I think award-winning graphic novelist Gene Luen Yang breaks it down best in this succinct comic strip (click to enlarge):



You know how much I absolutely hated those Twilight movies, but on July 4th weekend—when my entertainment dollar will speak for me—I am willing to give my money to Eclipse if it means sinking The Last Airbender into the sea of box office failures.

Look, I don't wish ill upon anybody (for the most part), but I do dig the fact that Airbender is tracking poorly. It could be coincidence, but I'd like to think all the hubbub that's been created is partially responsible. So I'm going to keep hubbubbing, and I hope you'll join me in saying, "Fuck you, Last Airbender."



For more information, go to Racebending.com.

(Thanks to Angry Asian Man and Howard Ho.)

Nintendo's classic video game, Super Mario Bros., gets the sticky-notes treatment in this super cool stop-motion video, which has the game play out across a Japanese middle school. Asian schoolchildren waste their time on this crap, but they still excel in academia! Watch:

Somebody I don't know and have never heard of before sent me a mysterious e-mail. I have no idea what it's about. It sounds like the ramblings of an insane person, but, upon multiple readings, it could very well be a work of philosophical and poetic genius. I can't decide. Here's the e-mail in its entirety:

from: XXXXXXXXXX
to: prince@princegomolvilas.com
date: Wed, Mar 24, 2010 at 11:14 PM

Who is the best judge of that? All that is woman's mission. Let us hope it's the opposite here. So it is! There is nothing hidden about him. That is all. Don't you see my plan?

It is here. Why don't you get up and dance? Every woman should learn a trade. You must be joking! Let me see! What is the money to me? This is a divided skirt. I'll be back every month or two.

That I would have. But let me tell you about Pablo. What we did. That was left open.

Does anyone have idea what the hell this dude is talking about?!

Oh, what I wouldn't give to know what Pablo freaking did.

Oh, cute little kitten, this cannot possibly end well. Watch:



[Thanks to Louise Larsen.]

On Sunday, I was tasked with giving the keynote address at The 16th Asian Pacific Islander Graduate Celebration at California State University, Los Angeles, which was a ceremony for a handful of graduating seniors of Asian descent and their family and friends. (As if you didn't figure that out yourself.)

I designed my speech to be both inspirational and funny. It went so well that a longtime faculty member told me afterward that it was "one of the best keynotes I've ever seen." High praise indeed—despite the fact that I made one major faux pas that I fortunately recovered from quickly. (Those occasional, dead-silent audiences that Brandon Patton and I have faced were excellent training ground. F you, Philadelphia!)

I polled several of my friends beforehand to see if they thought if it would be okay if I used one swear word (a variation of "shit") in my address. Everyone said "yes," so I went for it.

And when the curse came out, the audience fell frighteningly quiet, thinking that I was being angry and serious. What sucks is that it was one of the better jokes in my speech. Anyway, I got back on track and got them laughing again relatively quickly, even though I was practically shitting my pants.

So, here's my keynote speech in its entirety. There are a few insider references (I did my research!), but I think you'll enjoy it nonetheless. I worked hard on refining it, which means I was up until 5:30 a.m. the night before and only got one-and-a-half hours of sleep. It felt like college all over again.

Keynote Address at the16th Asian Pacific Islander Graduate Celebration at California State University, Los Angeles

by

Prince Gomolvilas

When the Cross Cultural Centers invited me to be today’s keynote speaker, I immediately said "yes" because I love Cal State L.A.

You know, I was born and raised in Indiana, which is a state that's not really known for its diversity. I mean, the only thing they really know there about Asian culture is the Panda Express in Bloomington.

So I will always embrace any opportunity to visit a place like Cal State L.A. where white people are the minority. It's amazing here. I mean, CSULA should stand for "California State University of Latinos Allovertheplace."

Now don't get me wrong. I know white people, I love white people, I've slept with white people. But I think it's great when they have to experience how we feel, right?

Now, Class of 2010, I know some of you are very excited to be graduating from college and are looking forward to going out into the real world and making a life for yourself. But I also know that most of you…are scared shitless.

I know the challenges that you're all facing.

Trying to navigate and flourish in today's economy and job market can be as difficult as trying to find a decent meal at the food court here on campus. I heard that students actually use the sushi there as glue sticks for class projects.

But despite all the forecasts of doom and gloom, believe me when I tell you, if you want to be successful, if you want to live up to your fullest potential, you can have that.

You have to understand something. Every generation of college graduates faces obstacles in some form or another. I mean, I know you'd like to believe that nobody's ever had it as bad as you, but it's simply not true. Previous college graduates were scared out of their freakin' minds too, but they made it. And so can you.

I mean, just take a look at my career path, okay? When I told my mother and father that I was going to pursue a life in the arts, they both practically went into simultaneous cardiac arrest. Asian parents almost always want their sons and daughters to be doctors or lawyers and everything else is a negotiation. It's like Career Chinese Checkers.

But I went ahead anyway and earned my BA in Film and MFA in Playwriting from San Francisco State University. Do you all realize how insane that is? I got two...arts degrees, which is ridiculously impractical. It's about as crazy as a Confucius statue in the middle of a college campus. People laugh at those types of degrees, and they tell you that you're going to be a starving artist for the rest of your life.

But you know what? For the past dozen years or so, I've been able to build a pretty great career myself. I'm not starving!

And the way I've been able to do that is that I didn't listen to those forecasts of doom and gloom. I had a vision for myself, and I worked on my talent, on my self-confidence, on being a citizen of this world, until I was living that vision as my reality.

So what I'm saying is, if a Thai-American kid from Indiana can have a life in the arts that's prosperous and fulfilling, then there's no reason that you can't thrive in your chosen field.

Because you're all graduating with all these great degrees that actually make sense!—you know, Business, Communications, History, Nursing, Political Science. These are definitely gonna work to your advantage.

And you know what else is going to work to your advantage?

Being Asian American.

Now I know a couple of the graduates here come from different racial backgrounds, but today and for the rest of your lives I'm going to make you honorary Asians. I have that power. It comes with a membership card and a rice cooker—you can pick them up after the ceremony.

Listen, there is no better time to be Asian American in the United States.

I mean, there was a time that being an ethnic minority could significantly set you back in terms of your career and just your life in general. But things have changed, and they continue to do so.

As I mentioned, I grew up in Indiana. Honestly, I don't know how the hell my parents ended up there. It's completely illogical to me that two people from Thailand, one of the hottest countries in the world, would immigrate to a state where there's regular snowfall and temperatures that are below-freezing. It’s crazy.

But there I was, and I was the only Asian kid in my entire elementary school. I didn't know a lot of people who looked like me. So I didn't really have any role models as a kid.

And in the movies and on TV, the Asians were mostly either bad guys or prostitutes or war refugees. When I was growing up, we had one lead Asian character on a TV show. And that show was titled Kung Fu. And we were all like, "All right, we gotta deal with this stereotype, but at least we have this one Asian lead character." But guess what? That one lead Asian character…was played by a white dude.

And because I was sick of not fitting in and I was tired of being picked on, I began to develop a lot of self-loathing of who I was. I didn't like the "Asian" part of me because I honestly felt like that "otherness" was holding me back.

And it took me years and years to work through all that negative stuff to get to place where I could acknowledge and embrace my Asian-American identity. And now you can see it in the work that I do and in the way that I live my life.

Now these are issues that you all may have had to struggle with to a certain extent, but I can't imagine that it was a difficult battle for you. And it makes me happy to know that.

First of all, you've just spent a number of years going to one of the most culturally diverse colleges in the entire country. And when people who don't really know Cal State L.A. hear its demographics, they're really surprised. I don't know why they are. I mean, the campus is right next to freakin' Alhambra, Monterey Park, and East L.A., for Christ's sake.

Can you imagine if Jan Brewer, the Governor of Arizona, were to visit this campus? She would literally crap her pants. Seriously. I can picture her clutching her purse and wielding mace. "Brown people! Brown people!"

So you've all had the luxury of being surrounded by your ethnic peers. And whether you mingled with each other or not, just being present among people with shared ancestral histories is remarkably powerful and helps strengthen your sense of who you are.

But Cal State L.A. is just a microcosm of what this country is becoming.

Did you see the front page of USA Today a few days ago? It was reminding us that minorities will be the majority within the next several decades. There are more of us now than there ever have been.

And despite the fact that we're still fighting for more representation in the mainstream media, we're more visible in the movies and on TV now than we ever were before.

So you see? Class of 2010, you have degrees that are more economically viable than mine ever were or ever will be. You live in an age far more diverse and accepting than when I was graduating college. And not only all that, we all have been blessed with Asian genes. You know what that means, right?

When all your friends start looking older and older, you're going to look the same age for a very long time. I still get carded at the movies! It's like having a superpower. Embrace it.

You know, I never attended my own college graduation. I never went to any of my school's ceremonies or celebrations. Because back then, I was still trying to figure out who I was and my place in the world. I didn't really understand how much I had accomplished. So I just moved on and lived my life.

And it wasn't until many years later that I was able to look back and realize everything that I had done and all the obstacles that I had overcome. And I often wonder: if I had known back then what I was actually up against and if I had known how resilient I actually was, would I have reached my goals and my dreams easier and faster?

I don't know the answer to that question. But I think I can work towards getting an answer just by looking at all of you here today, Class of 2010, and observing how your lives will unfold over the next several years and decades.

I want you to realize how much you've accomplished. I want you to understand that you being here today is a remarkable achievement. So many people in this country, in this world, never make it this far. But you did.

And to face down this economy and this job market and to say "I am here and I am ready" is an act of bravery that will be rewarded.

To face down fringe political groups and polarizing immigration legislation and to say "I am here and this is my home too" is an act of courage that helps bind this community.

To be a part of a culturally specific graduate celebration such as this one and to say "I am here and this is who I am" is an act of self-acceptance that will strengthen your heart and lift your soul.

"I am here."

Class of 2010, I extend to you my heartfelt congratulations, and I wish you the very, very best.

Thank you.

An act of god sent a lightning bolt straight to a six-story statue of Jesus Christ in Ohio and burned it to the ground. The irony just kills me. Kills me. Watch the flames in action:



There's no word yet whether the structure will be resurrected, but I'm placing my bets on Easter.

Read "Lightning Destroys 6-Story Statue of Jesus" for the whole story.

I have been singing the praises of post-"Mmm Bop" Hanson for years now, and I can see no good reason to stop.

First of all, they're super hot. Like, seriously, they make me melt into a heaping pile of 13-year-old girl.

Secondly, they continue to churn out solid pop-rock albums. Some, I admit, are more successful than others, but I'm always interested in what they're up to and what they're experimenting with. I don't listen to their last album, The Walk, all that much, for example, but it's cool that it was partially inspired by their visits to Africa and their efforts to help stop the AIDS crisis.

All grown up, they've got music critics on their side, and even Bono calls them "genius." So you see?! I'm not some lone whackjob! (Perhaps an unfortunate choice of word.)

Anyway, Hanson's new album, Shout It Out, is loads of fun, and the lead track, "Waiting for This," is a fine example of what the brothers can do and do well (aside from the amazing things they do in my dreams). Watch and listen:

First of all, I don't know the difference between a tortoise and a turtle. I'm pretty sure I knew at one time, probably in elementary school, but my memory retention is for shit. (Seriously. Don't walk up to me and act like I remember who you are.)

So, naturally, I went to Google and typed in "what's the difference between a tortoise and a turtle?" The San Diego Zoo tells me that a tortoise is "a land-dweller that eats low-growing shrubs, grasses, and even cactus" and a turtle "spends most of its life in the water." Ah. Yes. That's right. I knew that. And these are not to be confused with a terrapin, which "spends its time both on land and in water, but it always lives near water, along rivers, ponds, and lakes."

Well, enough of that. In the follow video clip, a tortoise flails around helplessly on its back. But a heroic friend saves the day! Tortoise, FTW! Watch:



By the way, when I went to do my Google search, after typing in "what's the difference between," Google came up with this list of possible search terms (based on what other people are searching). Click to enlarge:



The first two are actually jokes. The punchlines? Here:

1.) You can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass.

2.) Santa only has three ho's.

I learned so much today.

(In related news, my post about Google suggesting "I am extremely terrified of Chinese people" features a ridiculous comments thread that will not die.)

If I were the cameraman, who knew full well that this was for broadcast television, why in the hell would I zoom out?! Watch:

It's French. Watch:



[Thanks to Louise on the Left.]

I received an urgent e-mail on Monday, I got an urgent follow-up call on Tuesday, and I urgently drove down to San Diego on Wednesday. No, it's not an emergency or anything. It's theater! So things have to be all dramatic like that. Like, you know, I'm holed up in my hotel room eating Now and Laters and can't leave to go whale-watching.

Do I know anyone in San Diego? Will you bring me beach sand?

More later.

First of all, this is not a joke. This well-dressed Korean man (he looks like a professor) has made an unintentionally hilarious instructional video that teaches Korean speakers how to swear in English. Almost all of this video is in Korean, but you'll laugh anyway, you fucking son of a bitch. Watch the whole thing because it just gets better and funnier as it goes along:



[Thanks to Angry Asian Man.]

My great Asian-American hair experiment (which began here and here) is currently on the verge of either groundbreaking success...or complete and utter failure. And if this ends up failing, the Asian thing to do would be to commit seppuku—you know, ritual suicide.

As you may recall, I've been letting my hair grow longer than it has ever grown, pushing me far outside my emotional comfort zones. While I've gotten my sides trimmed over the last several months, the hair on the top of my head has been allowed to keep growing since February/March. It eventually looked hip enough to make me say, "Hey, that's hip enough." Behold:



Come June, things started to go downhill. My hair started to do whatever the hell it wanted to do on its own. Various hair-care products, shampoos, conditioners, and my nimble fingers couldn't get my hair to do anything other than look BAD. It got so bad that I even refused to take pictures of it, even though photographic evidence would've made this blog post more complete and entertaining. (You're so cruel.)

I had previously thought, with my long hair, I could eventually replicate celebrity chef Curtis Stone:



However, as Howard Ho cruelly pointed out in the comments section, "Yeah, I know how to get that hair. It's called being white. Asian hair is coarse, and it don't do that." Friends of mine seconded that notion and tussled my hair without permission.

So what was I to do with my long hair and pipe dreams? What Asian-hair options did I have?

Google "Asian men hair styles," and brace yourself for hairdos that would make me look like a freaking clown:





I mean, c'mon, I'm a writer, not a circus freak!

So I decided to end my great Asian-American hair experiment today—unless a well-respected hair stylist could convince me otherwise.

Thanks to Yelp, I found a five-star reviewed, Asian-American hair stylist named Fran Lee in Atwater Village, about five minutes from where I live. I decided that I would give her the final say.

After giving Fran Lee a detailed history of my experiment, she was confident that I could rock the long hair. She trimmed, she styled, she suggested how I should handle my hair in the future.

And guess what she said about my hair, Howard Ho and naysaying friends?! She declared, "Your hair is actually pretty soft-textured for being Asian. Asian hair is usually coarse and hard to cut. But yours is different." Ha!

While my hair is not quite celebrity chef Curtis Stone's length yet, I am holding out hope. In the meantime, this is what Fran Lee has come up with, as I contemplate race and genetics:



My great Asian-American hair experiment continues....

You may get distracted by this rock band's matching gold jackets, but once they break out in a rendition of ZZ Top's "Sharp Dressed Man," you won't be able to take your eyes of the drummer. Is this guy for real?! This guy is for real. And I can't believe gales of uncontrollable laughter aren't coming from the audience. C'mon, people! This is entertainment! Watch:



[Thanks to Parabasis.]

To demonstrate how easy it for thieves to break into your car, a TV news reporter swings a hammer at a car window with the intention of breaking it and reaching inside. The problem is, the window ain't so easy to smash. And by the end of this blooper reel, the reporter gets majorly pwned. Watch:

Ozzy Osbourne, the cantankerous Prince of Darkness who was surprisingly humanized by reality TV, recently took a trip out to Madame Tussauds Wax Museum in New York. For a brief period of time, he sat still on a bench and pretended to be a wax statue. When tourists tried to pose for pictures, they got the living shit scared out of them. It's a very funny viral video that cleverly doubles as a promo for Ozzy's upcoming new album, Scream. Watch:



By the way, out of all the onscreen and off-screen drama of this season's Celebrity Apprentice, it was Sharon Osbourne's emotional admission of colon cancer survivor guilt that made me tear up. I love that woman!

(And I am wrecked that there is no more Apprentice until the Fall! Facebook Scrabble, here I come!)

A couple months ago, novelist and Prince-agitator Noel Alumit put PEN Center USA in touch with me because they had the crazy idea of organizing some kind of Thai-American literary event. Since I had always thought that I was the only Thai-American writer in existence (I mean, c'mon, try and name just one other one!—you can't!), I assumed this event was going to end up being something like The Prince Gomolvilas Ego-Stroking Extravaganza and Incidental Literary Salon (pronounced SAAHH-lon, of course).

However, in my extensive research (thanks, Google!), I discovered that there are about a half-dozen other notable Thai-American writers spread out across the United States. So then it became my turn to come up with crazy ideas. What if, I thought, we can gather almost every significant Thai-American writer in one place at the same time for the first and only event of its kind? I mean, if someone dropped a bomb on this event, Thai-American literature would cease to exist! There's something to be said for that!

So, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you just that very thing! Four—count 'em—four of us will be reading from our work in Los Angeles on June 24, 2010. One writer is flying in from Washington state, another from Florida. This is crazy!

Click the accompanying photo to enlarge, and/or peruse the information below.

You're going to be there, right? RIGHT?!

PEN USA
USC College of Letters, Arts & Sciences
and the
USC Master of Professional Writing Program
present

CUSTOMS AND DEPARTURES:
AN EVENING WITH THAI AMERICAN WRITERS

Featuring readings from this country's foremost Thai-American authors:

novelist/TV writer Cherry Chevapravatdumrong
playwright/blogger Prince Gomolvilas
memoirist Ira Sukrungruang
poet Pimone Triplett

Followed by a Q&A and a Thai Food Reception

Cherry Chevapravatdumrong is the critically acclaimed author of the young-adult novels, She's So Money and DupliKate. She is also a writer and producer on Family Guy. www.cherrycheva.com

Prince Gomolvilas is a playwright whose plays include Big Hunk o' Burnin' Love, The Theory of Everything, and the stage adaptation of the Scott Heim novel, Mysterious Skin. He is the recipient of the PEN Center USA Literary Award for Drama, and he teaches in the Master of Professional Writing Program at USC. http://bamboonation.blogspot.com

Ira Sukrungruang is the author of the memoir, Talk Thai: The Adventures of Buddhist Boy. He is the recipient of the New York Foundation for the Arts Nonfiction Fellowship and an Illinois Arts Council Literary Award, and he teaches in the MFA program in creative writing at the University of South Florida. www.sukrungruang.com

Pimone Triplett is the author of three books of poems: Rumor, The Price of Light, and Ruining the Picture. She is the recipient of the Levis Poetry Prize and Hazel Hall Poetry Prize, and she is an associate professor of creative writing at the University of Washington. www.amazon.com/Pimone-Triplett/e/B001IYZIB8

Thursday, June 24, 2010 @ 7:30PM

University of Southern California
Mark Taper Hall, THH 102
3501 Trousdale Parkway
Los Angeles, California 90089

Admission: Free and open to the Public
Please RSVP: mpw@college.usc.edu
Or RSVP on Facebook!
$8 parking available at USC's Parking Structure X (Gate #3)

Click here for directions, parking instructions, a campus map, and more info.

Oh my freaking god—this one's a winner. How many times will you watch it? How many?! Behold:

Suzanne Whang, who I dubbed the Asian-American Sarah Silverman, is back by popular demand this weekend in Los Angeles at The Cavern Club, an awesome basement theater space underneath a Mexican restaurant—and, dammit, I know a thing or two about basement theater spaces below eateries! (Impact Theatre, holla!)

I saw her hilarious act—which features Whang as her crass self, preceded by her surprisingly shocking alter ego, Sung Hee Park—when she was in town a few months ago, and it's worth the money, the time, and the smell of refried beans.

She told a Jesus joke so utterly blasphemous that I can't even repeat it here on this religion-neutral blog. If you're around June 4 or June 5, go and beg her to talk about Christ.

Visit Suzanne Whang's website.

For tickets, go here.

I don't care where you land on the issue of vigilante justice—I'm sure you'll be able to derive at least a little bit of satisfaction from the following security camera footage. A motorcyclist and his riding companion yank a purse right out of a lady's hand. Within seconds, the Asian townsfolk (Chinese, I believe) go after the thieves with sticks, chairs, cardboard boxes, and other objects that happen to by lying around. Then, they beat the crap out of the motorcycle. Watch:



Don't mess with Asians!

On Saturday, I was being dragged around to fancy furniture stores in Santa Monica against my will ("Can't we just go to Ikea and get it over with already?!"). When we were in one named West Elm, I paid a visit to its restroom. It looks like this:



Please read the sign with the handy design tip on right:



Now please look again to the left at the clusters of similar objects that are grouped on and around the toilet:



Is this the Santa Monica store's way of sending a big "fuck you" to West Elm headquarters? If so, I want these people to furnish my bedroom because they don't toe the company line, like, say, you know, Ikea.

Well-played, West Elm Santa Monica, well-played.

The upcoming Jackie Chan/Jaden Smith remake of The Karate Kid is still called The Karate Kid, even though they're in China doing kung fu. (In recent interviews, Jackie Chan has even accidentally called the movie The Kung Fu Kid.) So, as a sort of ironic pre-homage, this blog post's title is "The Karate Bear," even though this bear is in Japan doing kung fu with a bo staff.... All right, this whole post doesn't really make any sense. Just watch the video—this bear is freaking awesome:



[Thanks to Lucy J.]