Alas, a "best of" list! I'll be updating this page regularly, and you can keep checking back for new stuff by clicking on the "Best Posts" tab at the top of this blog. Finally, all my greatest hits are in one place, as well as the best stuff I've written on other websites. It's one-stop shopping for all my juiciest bits! (Wait—that kind of came out wrong.) And away we go (in reverse chronological order)....

On Bamboo Nation

Romanian Karma; or: How I Became an Authority on South East European Cinema in a Matter of Days
May 8, 2012
Excerpt: "The idea that I could be recruited to act as some kind of authority on South East European cinema is patently absurd."

Was Steve Leaving Blue's Clues the Most Traumatic Thing to Ever Happen to Preschoolers?
March 14, 2011
Excerpt: "THAT EPISODE IS DEVASTATING!"

Attending an Against Me! Concert Is Like Participating in a Blood Sport
January 31, 2011
Excerpt: "Almost all the bodies on the floor began shifting back and forth in epileptic spurts, causing me to get shoved right and left, right and left."

Thunder Mountain Is Scarier at Night...and Other Disneyland Observations
December 15, 2010
Excerpt: "Aaaaahhhhh!"

Recent College Graduates Are So Scared Shitless That They Won't Laugh at How Scared Shitless They Are
June 16, 2010
Excerpt: "On Sunday, I was tasked with giving the keynote address at The 16th Asian Pacific Islander Graduate Celebration at California State University, Los Angeles, which was a ceremony for a handful of graduating seniors of Asian descent and their family and friends. (As if you didn't figure that out yourself.)"

Fashion Emergency!; or: Averting a Sartorial Crisis Before Moderating a Screenwriting Panel at USC
January 28, 2010
Excerpt: "I realized that I had made a major fashion faux pas before leaving the house and that it was too late to go back home to correct it."

My Mommy Took Me to the Movies
January 20, 2010
Excerpt: "My mom spent most of the afternoon speaking to me in baby talk."

Romanian Cinema Is the Worst Thing to Ever Happen to the Romanian Tourism Industry
January 5, 2010
Excerpt: "Man, Romania is a shithole!"

My Name Is Prince, but I Am Not Funky
December 15, 2009
Excerpt: "Earlier this year, I received a series of e-mails from a girl who for some reason thought I was the musician Prince."

Children Make the World a Dangerous Place
November 12, 2009
Excerpt: "If I had my own child, man, I would so be an overprotective mother."

Weezer's Secret Show Was a Secret (but I Know Secrets You Don't Know)
September 22, 2009
Excerpt: "Is it better to be smart or kind? If I were smart, I would have attended Monday's secret Weezer show accompanied by a hot Asian chick."

I Attend Fancy Hollywood Parties...So YOU Don't Have to!: BAFTA/LA 7th Annual TV Tea
September 20, 2009
Excerpt: "If you ever attend a fancy Hollywood party, there are a couple insider laws you should know about: there's The Law of Diminishing Celebrity Returns and The Law of Declining Celebrity Grades."

Captain Jack From Torchwood Seriously Schools Me
July 27, 2009
Excerpt: "As you may know, I often make fun of Loren and his love of the BBC sci-fi series, Torchwood, by calling it 'Dorkwood' and running around the apartment doing an absurd imitation of Captain Jack."

I Destroyed Your Broadway Dream
June 16, 2009
Excerpt: "Longtime readers know that through an unusual set of circumstances I wield so much power over Broadway. And if I were a better person, I would vow to use that power only for good. But I'm not; so I don't."

Verbally Assaulting Ben Lee (Lovingly), and Apologies to Abbie Hoffman
May 6, 2009
Excerpt: "After watching Ben Lee's spirited, high-energy performance from the edge of the stage at The Troubadour in West Hollywood last week, I was the first fan to verbally assault him (I use the term 'verbally assault' lovingly) in the bar after the show."

Double Entendres at Hooters via Matthew McConaughey's Crotch
May 4, 2009
Excerpt: "After watching Matthew McConaughey draw attention to his crotch at a taping of Jimmy Kimmel Live! (he was innocently showing off his belt buckle) in Hollywood last week, Will and his friend B. convinced me to go to the nearby Hooters with them, despite the fact that the food there tastes like dry rot and boobies do not make my world go round."

I Begged for It, and They Gave It to Me!
February 26, 2009
Excerpt: "There's a commercial for Danmer Custom Shutters that makes me laugh every time I see it on TV."

My Black Levels Are Better Than Your Black Levels, Part 2: The My-Oscar-After-Party-Is-Better-Than-Your-Oscar-After-Party Edition
February 24, 2009
Excerpt: "Loren and I were at the Academy Awards screening and after-party hosted by Fox Searchlight at the One Sunset in West Hollywood. We were there for a few hours before we got a series of text messages and phone calls from Gabriel."

My Black Levels Are Better Than Your Black Levels
February 12, 2009
Excerpt: "When Gabriel walked through my apartment door a couple nights ago after traveling around the world for four months, I exclaimed, 'Hey, you're not old and fat! I thought you would come back old and fat!'"

How to Beat the Wintertime Blues
January 7, 2009
Excerpt: "After noticing a considerable amount of chatter in the blogosphere from people experiencing general existential malaise and after observing some of my friends' forays into dark nights of the soul, it became clear to me that something foul is in the air."

Sweet. Bitter.
November 5, 2008
Excerpt: "Proposition 8, which aimed to ban same-sex marriage, has passed. But you know what? Despite the fact that I almost titled this post 'Fuck You, California,' I refuse to despair over this for a number of reasons."

An Open Letter to My Gay Friend; or: Gay Marriage Is Not About Marriage
October 15, 2008
Excerpt: "I've been looking over our online chat transcript from last night to see if I was overreacting when I decided to abruptly end our conversation. With the benefit of hindsight, I can say that I acted rationally and, in addition, I am deeply disappointed in you."

Frequently Assed Questions: The Official Drake Bell Post
September 6, 2008
Excerpt: "For those of you who have been scouring the Internet for a glimpse of Drake Bell's sausage and meatballs, I can definitively tell you that you are out of luck."

A Fireside Chat With Mike Valentino, Part 1
August 25, 2008
Excerpt: "Yes, this chat really did happen."

I Know What Girls Like
July 7, 2008
Excerpt: "You probably know about the women of the blogosphere who have publicly declared their crushes on me, so it won't surprise you to know that women outside the blogosphere approach me with declarations of swooning as well."

A Place Where Nobody Dared to Go
June 23, 2008
Excerpt: "The moment I walked onto the grounds of the Playboy Mansion, the DJ unwittingly started playing 'Xanadu.'"

Ooh, Heaven Is a Place on Earth
May 2, 2008
Excerpt: "The moment I stepped onto the premises of The Americana at Brand this afternoon, a $400 million upscale outdoor shopping center and residential development, I started to cry."

Hilarious Moments of Cultural Insensitivity
April 27, 3008
Excerpt: "On Saturday, Loren, Gabriel, and I went to have dinner at a restaurant in Glendale, California, the city in which I live. Before I recount a couple of events from that evening, there is some background information that you must know."

The Most Important Poll in Bamboo Nation History; Plus, Reaching Into My "Blue's Clues" Memory Bank; or Steve vs. Joe
April 16, 2008
Excerpt: "In 2002, I spent a month in Arlington, Virginia, working on the world premiere production of my play, Boyz of All Nationz: The Rise and Fall of a Multi-Ethnic Boy Band. Each morning I would exercise while watching Blue's Clues, a hugely popular Nickelodeon show for preschoolers."

Smarter Than You
December 24, 2007
Excerpt: "Sometimes I go to fancy Hollywood parties, and, when well-paid TV writers find out that I'm a playwright, they almost immediately sink in their chair a bit as the weight of inferiority hangs off their shoulders."

Go-Go? No Go!
December 19, 2007
Excerpt: "I've always wanted to bring a change purse to a strip club."

Race Wars
November 7, 2007
Excerpt: "When Loren and Gabriel started drinking Smirnoff Ice in my apartment the other day, I hurled a series of appropriate insults at them: 'Smirnoff Ice?! What are you—sorority girls? What next—you want me to get you some peach wine coolers? How 'bout after that—you wanna go to Chevy's and order margaritas?'"

White People, She's One of Yours
October 15, 2007
Excerpt: "Bars are way too loud for my sensitive ears and all the sugar from Shirley Temples makes me go up to guys and scream, 'You're a hot piece of ass!'—and sometimes they get offended, especially when they're girls. But a couple weeks ago, my friends convinced me to join them."

Two Stalkers Are Better Than One
August 22, 2007

Excerpt: "Armed with little more than a first name, a location radius, and an Internet connection, you can easily find out everything you could possibly want to know about people you don't know."

Inviting Disaster
August 9, 2007

Excerpt: "A while back, two missionaries knocked on my door and wanted to tell me about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I shook my head like a non-English speaking immigrant and shooed them away."

Neil LaBute and Wayward Field Trips
June 23, 2007

Excerpt: "I'm about to head over to the Regency Academy Cinemas, a second-run independent movie house in Pasadena, to catch 28 Weeks Later. I haven't been to the Academy in a long while, and, in reminiscing about all my good times there in the past, I suddenly remembered a Neil LaBute story far more entertaining than the Neil LaBute story that's been keeping you occupied on my blog."

Neil LaBute Wants to Tell Me Something
June 19, 2007

Excerpt: "I received a personal e-mail from...Neil LaBute!"

Fatter Pig
May 28, 2007

Excerpt: "Seeing Ken argue about theater and politics and the politics of theater (or, rather, Theater), while he was more than adequately soused, reminded me of the recent Neil LaBute diatribe in the Los Angeles Times."

Joey McIntyre, Horny Women, and Me
April 2, 2007

Excerpt: "I know why straight guys go to Joey McIntyre concerts."

The Other "F" Word
June 22, 2006

Excerpt: "Since I was stuck in San Francisco working on The Fabulous Adventures of Captain Queer and spending my days making demands of the design team like, 'We need an Orange-Flavored Cocksicle! Where's the Orange-Flavored Cocksicle! The script calls for an Orange-Flavored Cocksicle!,' I was not able to attend any rehearsals or even opening night of Mysterious Skin at Rude Guerrilla Theater Company in Santa Ana."

The Slap-Slap of Dick
June 21, 2006

Excerpt: "Mysterious Skin has been running in Orange County for the past three weeks. It's an odd place for this very provocative and unblinking piece to find a home—smack in the middle of Conservative California."


On Other Websites

Oh, the Horror!
on You Offend Me You Offend My Family (YOMYOMF)
June 22, 2011
Excerpt: "Dead Asian children appear out of nowhere, so, because dead Asian children are scary, I found myself screaming out loud at one point, 'Jesus Christ!' And I'm not even religious."

Reverse Racebending: Mysterious Skin
on You Offend Me You Offend My Family (YOMYOMF)
September 23, 2010
Excerpt: "Asian eyes are usually so squinty that most of them can't even read."

All Women Are Crazy!; or: What I Learned from Watching Obsessed (Over and Over Again)
on You Offend Me You Offend My Family (YOMYOMF)
May 24, 2010
Excerpt: "And if I learned anything from studying the three female leads in Obsessed, it's that ALL WOMEN ARE CRAZY."

The Politics of Comedy: What's Off Limits?; Plus, The Goods Wants You to Laugh at a Hate Crime
on The Bilerico Project
July 15, 2009

Excerpt: "When it comes to comedy by, about, or for the LGBT community, what's off limits? Are there certain topics within the community that should not be touched (AIDS, suicide, etc.)? Is it more about how certain topics are approached (through satire, flat-out mockery, etc.)? Does it depend on who is creating the comedy (a gay comedian, a heterosexual, etc.)? And do your opinions about these things remain the same or change when we start talking about comedy in general? What if the comedy is about race? Or politics? Or children?"

Love It or Hate It, Bruno Will Probably Be the Highest-Grossing 'Gay' Movie of All Time; Plus, What Do YOU Think of Bruno?
on The Bilerico Project
July 12, 2009

Excerpt: "Perhaps you've read some of the wildly mixed reviews for Bruno, but I assure you that a comedy like this one cannot be considered objectively."

Rick Warren Comes Out, Throws Big Gay Circuit Party
on The Bilerico Project
April 1, 2009

Excerpt: "Controversial pastor Rick Warren appears on the cover of this week's People magazine to announce: 'Yes, I'm Gay.'"

Why Gay Marriage Is an Asian-American Matter
on Asian Week 
November 22, 2008

Excerpt: "When the San Francisco Chronicle ran a Nov. 7 article exploring why Asians were the only ethnic minority to produce a majority of voters against Proposition 8 and its ban of same-sex marriage, a reader commented on the Chronicle's website: 'Why in the world would the Asian-American community ally itself with the gays?'"

'Sleeping' With the 'Enemy'
on The Bilerico Project
 
November 18, 2008

Excerpt: "After I posted a temperate and somewhat optimistic response to the disappointing news of Proposition 8's passage (which eliminates same-sex marriage in California), a friend of mine e-mailed me, insisting that I tap into my inner righteous indignation."

The Other Closet 
on Asia Pacific Arts 
August 8, 2008

Summary: Most Asian American parents panic when their kids choose a life in the arts. Writer/performer Prince Gomolvilas shows you how a healthy dose of secrets and lies has helped him deal with his family.











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