Two Stalkers Are Better Than One

Armed with little more than a first name, a location radius, and an Internet connection, you can easily find out everything you could possibly want to know about people you don't know. Remember the hot actor/models who work at my local Blockbuster? Well, I discovered not one, not two, but three—count 'em, three—MySpace pages belonging to three of those actor/models/Blockbuster employees. (Stalker much?) Not only did I discover fascinating biographical information, I also got to see video footage that they posted and, oh, shirtless photos that they just wanted to share with the public.

A few weeks ago at a dinner party at my apartment, these MySpace pages were a focal point for the evening's entertainment. Diablo Cody (who is now doing startlingly in-depth reviews of gum) was shocked at how easy it was to find out intimate details about these hot actor/models and was perhaps a little titillated, because she wanted to tag along with me when I was assigned with renting a DVD to keep us occupied for the rest of the night. I gave her and Donovan a stern warning: "If you wanna come along, you can't say anything about how I found their MySpaces or I can never come back to this Blockbuster ever again!"

None of the hot actor/models were working that night, and Diablo looked honestly crushed. She had been excited about meeting the men behind the MySpace myth. So she couldn't help but launch into an impromptu conversation with two of the employees working there, a situation that made me feel sick to my stomach and morbidly fascinated at the same time. (Names have been changed to protect the innocent.)

DIABLO: Where are those cute guys who work here?!

EMPLOYEE #1: Which guys?

DIABLO: The cute ones! There's a cute blond one and one with short brown hair. I saw their MySpace pages!

EMPLOYEE #2: Oh, you mean Adam and Carl? Adam got transferred to another store.

DIABLO: What about Carl? He's the blond one right?

EMPLOYEE #1: He's still here, but not working tonight.

DIABLO: I loved Carl's MySpace page! He is so cute! Do you think he would date someone who's not a ten? Or would he at least date an Iowa ten?

EMPLOYEE #1: Well, he just broke up with his girlfriend, so he would think that anything is a ten right now.

DIABLO: Oh really?! He's looking?! When does he work next?!

EMPLOYEE #2: Tomorrow. Five until closing.

DIABLO: Oh my god. I'm so excited. Thank you.

EMPLOYEE #1: And what is your name?

(PRINCE shoots DIABLO an icy glare, as if to say, "If they get your name, they can easily look you up online and trace it back to me. Don't do it, hooker, don't do it.")

DIABLO: you later.

(They exit.)

She did not return the next day, much to my relief, but she keeps threatening to do it. The future of my relationship to my local video store lies in her impulsive hands.

[Update 06.23.08: Read "A Place Where Nobody Dared to Go: The Playboy Mansion, Diablo Cody, and Me."]

[Update 01.13.09: Read "I Was at the United States of Tara Premiere and Ate Grilled Cheese Sandwiches."]


  1. Hey! This type of stalking is a much more age-appropriate attempt at "getting a life!"

  2. My god, Prince, you really are a pro-stalker! If I was to ask you to find my oh-so-hot high school physics partner, do you think you could? Are you up to the challenge? I would pay sweet, sweet platonic love.

  3. Diana, I will find him for you. I'm serious. The prospect of hot shirtless shots will be payment enough.

  4. But dont everybody stalk everybody else online? I mean ppl obligingly put their info on places like MySpace, Facebook, Friendster and whatever else for the whole world to see.

    I mean, uhhh I stalked that cute guy I see in Bio lectures through his Facebook page (which he did not block) and enjoy the pics of him on holiday on the beaches of Bali ever so much ;-p

  5. even if you're not into sports... the uniforms are fabulotious!
    may i, possibly, introduce Australian Football?

  6. MySpace is a stalker's wet dream. I just joined Facebook the other day. I try to keep up with the kids these days.

    Great blog, Prince! I'm glad I came across it!


  7. Anonymous2/20/2010

    Why even stalk? What happened to just being polite and letting a person know you like them and would like to go out on a date.

    You'd be surprised. Instead of having a victim in your life, you could have a friend by your side.

    Think about it

  8. Anonymous, I didn't want to be friends with them. I wanted to play hide the sausage. I didn't want to go on a date. I wanted to lure them into my turn-straight-guys-gay lair.

    There's a difference.