You remember the guy that my sister got engaged to after dating him for three weeks? I recently found out that he also happens to be the dude who "discovered" her on MySpace and was directly responsible for getting her on the cover of D Sport, the drag racing and slutty Asian girls magazine. That's just great, I thought. My little sister is engaged to her MySpace stalker.
Little did I know how serious this relationship was. When my sister e-mailed me a couple months ago, I saw that the name associated with her account had a different last name than "Gomolvilas." I replied: "Um...HELLO...why did you change your last name?!?!"
Well, Las Vegas is a four-hour drive, all-night wedding chapels are there for the using, and I was sworn to secrecy. My mother did not know that they had gotten hitched, and I was instructed to keep my mouth shut. Can you believe I've been sitting on this information for months?!
A couple days before Loren, my mother, some friends, and I were supposed to have Christmas Eve dinner at Clancy's Crab Broiler, I got word that we would have some surprise guests—my sister and her secret husband. Loren started drinking before we got to the restaurant.
My new brother-in-law is actually really nice and good-natured—and, goddamn, he's hot! But that didn't stop me from torturing the newlyweds throughout the evening. At the restaurant, I kept repeating, "Nice ENGAGEMENT ring, SISTER!" She would chuckle nervously, while trying to hide her and her husband's matching wrist tattoos—they had their wedding date etched into their skin. Oh my god, I whispered to Loren. I can't believe they got numbers on their arms like Auschwitz tattoos.
I have to give mad props to my new brother-in-law for all he was subjected to. I kept referring to him as "MySpace Stalker." My sister kept referring to him as "That Guy"—it's what she calls white guys who are into Asian girls. And my mother kept referring to him by some meaningless, emasculating Thai nickname like "Jowp Jaap" or "Jeep Joop" or something like that.
Before our dinners came (most of us ordered the infamous "Bucket o' Crab"), my sister and her husband broke the news to my mother. Were there tears? Was there screaming? Did accusations of betrayal get hurled across the table...? No.... My mother was actually relieved...that she didn't have to help pay for a real wedding.
After dinner, we gathered at my apartment for dessert and coffee. When things started winding down, I thought of the scene in Tommy Boy when Chris Farley meets his new stepbrother, played by Rob Lowe. When Rob Lowe extends his hand as a friendly greeting, Chris Farley opens his arms wide and declares, "Brothers don't shake hands! Brothers gotta hug!"
At the end of the night, unprompted, my sister's new husband embraced me. I said to him, "Merry Christmas, BROTHER!"
I do believe that all my family's secrets are now completely out in the open, and everybody knows about everything. Except this blog. Enjoy these posts while they last, people.