My Sister Secretly Married Her MySpace Stalker, and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt


You remember the guy that my sister got engaged to after dating him for three weeks? I recently found out that he also happens to be the dude who "discovered" her on MySpace and was directly responsible for getting her on the cover of D Sport, the drag racing and slutty Asian girls magazine. That's just great, I thought. My little sister is engaged to her MySpace stalker.

Little did I know how serious this relationship was. When my sister e-mailed me a couple months ago, I saw that the name associated with her account had a different last name than "Gomolvilas." I replied: "Um...HELLO...why did you change your last name?!?!"

Well, Las Vegas is a four-hour drive, all-night wedding chapels are there for the using, and I was sworn to secrecy. My mother did not know that they had gotten hitched, and I was instructed to keep my mouth shut. Can you believe I've been sitting on this information for months?!

A couple days before Loren, my mother, some friends, and I were supposed to have Christmas Eve dinner at Clancy's Crab Broiler, I got word that we would have some surprise guests—my sister and her secret husband. Loren started drinking before we got to the restaurant.

My new brother-in-law is actually really nice and good-natured—and, goddamn, he's hot! But that didn't stop me from torturing the newlyweds throughout the evening. At the restaurant, I kept repeating, "Nice ENGAGEMENT ring, SISTER!" She would chuckle nervously, while trying to hide her and her husband's matching wrist tattoos—they had their wedding date etched into their skin. Oh my god, I whispered to Loren. I can't believe they got numbers on their arms like Auschwitz tattoos.

I have to give mad props to my new brother-in-law for all he was subjected to. I kept referring to him as "MySpace Stalker." My sister kept referring to him as "That Guy"—it's what she calls white guys who are into Asian girls. And my mother kept referring to him by some meaningless, emasculating Thai nickname like "Jowp Jaap" or "Jeep Joop" or something like that.

Before our dinners came (most of us ordered the infamous "Bucket o' Crab"), my sister and her husband broke the news to my mother. Were there tears? Was there screaming? Did accusations of betrayal get hurled across the table...? No.... My mother was actually relieved...that she didn't have to help pay for a real wedding.

After dinner, we gathered at my apartment for dessert and coffee. When things started winding down, I thought of the scene in Tommy Boy when Chris Farley meets his new stepbrother, played by Rob Lowe. When Rob Lowe extends his hand as a friendly greeting, Chris Farley opens his arms wide and declares, "Brothers don't shake hands! Brothers gotta hug!"


At the end of the night, unprompted, my sister's new husband embraced me. I said to him, "Merry Christmas, BROTHER!"

I do believe that all my family's secrets are now completely out in the open, and everybody knows about everything. Except this blog. Enjoy these posts while they last, people.

16 comments:

  1. your sister is way hawt!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Bucket o Crab?!?!?
    Next year you invite me for Xmas or its your ass!


    (and no, it's not because your sister is of the slutty asian persuasion)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Fantastic story Prince! Thanks for sharing more of your sisters' exploits =).

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hey, now we both have brother in laws. Though you know...mine doesnt met my sister in frickin mySpace.

    P/S: Your sister wears waaaay too much makeup. Tell her to tone it down, she's a married woman now.

    ReplyDelete
  5. mazel-tov on your new bro-in-law! now where are the pics of him?

    ReplyDelete
  6. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

    White guys into Asian girls mourn as one.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ashley, hey, that's MY SISTER you're talking about!

    Patrick, could you really be devoid of ulterior motives?

    Isaac, I knew you'd enjoy the continuing saga!

    TCDO, yeah, her husband says the same thing about her make-up, but I guess it's something she learned during her Hooters days.

    Sarah, I considered posting pics of the brother-in-law, but I don't think he's fair game quite yet. Privacy issues. But, again, damn, he's foiiiiiiiine.

    Nev, as if you've never popped a chubby during a Thai massage.

    ReplyDelete
  8. i'm with sarah. yes yer sis is a hottie, but lets have some pics of the dude! you could always link us to whatever HE has online, then you are not culpable... not really.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I love this story, Prince. Thanks for sharing. Your sister is GORGEOUS -- so much beauty in one family!

    Now when do we get a look at the brother-in-law.

    ReplyDelete
  10. It's great that all is well with the fam-fam. Next thing you'll be telling us they don't know you're gay.

    Oh crap. Did I let the cat out of the bag!?!

    ReplyDelete
  11. This touching and heartwarming story might make your family more redneck than mine. Congratulations.

    ReplyDelete
  12. i'm with patrick... nice about your sister, blah blah


    but

    bucket o'crab???


    i'm all over that.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I love your mom's reaction about not having to pay for a big wedding. She's one smart lady.

    ReplyDelete
  14. OMG, you guys, when I e-mailed my sister this morning about her new dog, I forgot that my e-mail has an auto-signature that has a link to my blog!!!!! OMG, I hope she's self-centered enough not to care about me and my web links!

    As for pics of the hot brother-in-law...I'm working on it. I promise. :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. I forgot that my e-mail has an auto-signature that has a link to my blog!!!!!


    so, this is like your blog coming out of the closet for your family?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Anonymous3/02/2009

    what is the last name to her myspace. i tried adding her

    ReplyDelete