Fuck Mike Valentino (Harder, Faster, Deeper)

Posted by Prince Gomolvilas
ON Friday, August 01, 2008
[This post is apparently #4 in a series. Here's #1, #2, and #3.]

A couple of my friends don't think that the Mike Valentino I've been courting (baiting?) online actually exists. One friend asked flatly, "Is he real?" Another bluntly asserted, "He's a fake." You see, they think Mike Valentino is a completely fabricated persona surely created by some creepy unwashed dude who probably lives in his mother's basement in Albuquerque—that he's one of them freaky Internet predators who's using pictures of hot guys to lure innocent young men like me to his lair and that my eventual kidnapping will end up being reenacted on Dateline.

Now although the "Valentino" is a pseudonym, I can say with certainty that Mike is 100% real. And his blog (which amusingly chronicles the life and mind of an actual hillbilly [that's what I'm calling Mike from now on]) and his MySpace page (chock full of photos that make me want to touch myself) are authentically him. You know I know because I am an excellent online stalker. What I did was examine the information on his blog and cross-referenced it with the information and photographs on his MySpace page, along with—get this—the information and photographs on his wife's and some of his friends' MySpace pages too. Everything is consistent, the pictures are real, and I even know what every room in his house looks like. I told you I'm good.

One thing, though, that is made up is his latest blog post, which is a purported transcription of a phone conversation between me and him. It may be imagined, but I have to admit that it's pretty damn funny. And it's probably how an actual phone conversation between us would unfold.

...But of course you won't know that for sure until I record and post an actual phone conversation between us. When that will happen, I don't know, because I don't know if either of us are bold enough—and plus, it's so so early in the process of courtship. But in due time, my dear readers, perhaps all your wishes for genuine entertainment will come true. And in addition to that, I swear I will someday present to you an actual photograph of me climbing Mike Valentino. It may take years, it make take decades, but it will surely be worth the wait.
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  1. Peter Varvel Said,

    When I first started receiving blog comments from Quin Browne and Golf Widow, I thought they were personas you had made up because you pitied me.

    Also, because you coveted me.


  2. Yes! I'm finally a blog subject. I can die happy, now.


  3. Madley Said,

    I'll wait -- can't wait -- I'll wait!


  4. Peter, I STILL pity you. And covet you.

    Mike, please do no die before I get to suck you off while your wife's back is turned.

    Madley, I'm doing it all for YOU.


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