Reading Between Mike Valentino's Lines (and Fingering His Crack)

[This is Part Five in a mercilessly (and unintentionally) ongoing series. Here's Part One, Part Two, Part Three, and Part Four.]

When it comes to Mike Valentino (and just about every subject on this blog), I deal in blunt declarations. Here's a sampling of what I've posted about him in this forum and in his comments section:

* "Jesus Holy Fuck, you are freaking hot. If I knew you were so freaking hot, I would've lavished attention on you from the start, in the hope of someday working your cock like a stick shift on the autobahn."

* "ass-tap-able"

* "My favorite food is Italian sausage."
[Mike has a God complex about his Italian heritage.]

* "a hot piece of ass"

* "this bitch is fiiiiiiiiiine"

* "hot, mouth-watering, spankable"

* "Mike, please do not die before I get to suck you off while your wife's back is turned."

Have I made myself clear? Good.

Now before you think that Mike Valentino is the helpless victim here, unfairly trapped in my gay web, let's analyze some of the things he's said about me and to me, shall we?

In the beginning, he pleaded, "I spread a little love, so spread some love back," and signed his tender poem to me, "love always." He refers to his visits to my blog as his "stalker fix." He designates me as part of "the social elite of California." (Compared to the wasteland that is surely North Carolina, I suppose that that's true.) He fears that someday "maybe the love will stop. And that must not happen." Of all the attention I've lavished upon him, he declared, "I can die happy, now." He spends time imagining conversations between us and posting them publicly. He's given me access to his MySpace photos, knowing full well that I was going to beat off to them. And, as if to cover his tracks and protect his heterosexuality and his marriage, he asks unconvincingly, "Gee, what's a heterosexual, married NC resident male have to do to keep a homosexual CA playwright interested in a nonsexual relationship?"

Now does all that really sound like a straight, married guy who wants nothing more than a purely platonic relationship with me? C'mon! Butter up the carrot—I'm goin' in!

In his latest blog post, in which he attempts to dispel regional stereotypes and get me to stop calling him a "hillbilly," he desperately tries to assuage his wife by downgrading what's between him and me from a "relationship" to a "friendship" and by asking me to downplay my man lust for him so that his wife will give him permission to keep talking to me.

But he tries to appease me to ensure my continued attention upon him by posting more hot pictures of himself and by stating frankly, "I find you so hip, like an Asian James Dean," which is enough to make me pretty much cream my jeans. Not bad for a hillbilly.

[By the way, I love how when you visit some of his blog posts (here, for example) the Google ads at the bottom of the page scream:

* Bisexual Gay
Browse Photos & Personals of Hot Bisexual Singles. 100% Free Dating.

* Gay? Straight? Bi?

Confused? Need support? Confidential therapy can help!

Even Google knows what's really going on here.]

[Addendum 08.05.08 @ 3:44PM: I just checked that link, and there's a new Google ad that reads: "Sexual Harassment Lawyers. We Represent Sex Harassment Victims. No Fee Unless You Win." Ha ha ha ha ha!]

[Addendum 08.06.08: I checked that link again, and a new Google ad reads: "Therapy for Gay Couples. Counseling Psychotherapy Coaching. Specialist in Gay Men, Couples."]


    Straight, gay, NC, CA, it doesn't matter. As long as you and Mr. Valentino keep titillating my funny bone with posts like these, I'll be perpetually hard for you.

  2. I look forward to all your Mike Valentino posts. This is so fun.

  3. I'm glad you're all enjoying this as much as Mike is!

  4. Yeah I am new to both your blogs, but this is damn hilarious, im a convert....

  5. Keep it UP, fellas, this is hilarious! (And buttered carrots will never be the same for me again.)

  6. butter up the carrot? you're in Cali, don't be afraid to exaggerate! butter up that cucumber!

  7. Mike, the buttered carrot will be used to "break you in." The cucumbers (yes, plural) will be used much later, when you least expect it. And those, unfortunately for you, will not be buttered.

  8. Oh, I started to laugh at the Google Ads...who can deny your love now?

  9. Marisela, thank you for blessing this union. It is now holy in the eyes of the Lord.